Highlights from this weekend with the kids:
1) Trying to explain what "Mutant" meant to my four year old without using my wife as an example.
2) Spent 40 minutes answering
questions regarding the anatomical differences
between Ninja turtles, Gamera, and the turtles at the pet store.
3) Kyle, the two year-old,
finger-painted the walls in his room with the waste he
pulled out of his diaper.
4) Had to answer the question "Why do you laugh when the Simpsons are bad and not when I am?"
5) Found that "Pop-Tart" I gave my son three weeks ago!
6) Watched my sons destroy one of those blow-up punching bags in less than twenty minutes.
7) Broke up 17 fights.
8) Had my testicles stepped on by the children 7 1/2 times. (1/2 was the left one only).
9) Had to answer question "Why doesn't GI-Joe have a wee-wee?"
10) Missed out on the Rice Spitting contest in the dining room.
11) The dog submitted it's two week notice.
12) I smacked Kyle's butt (the one in diapers) and blew a load down his leg and onto the rug.
13) New names I was called this weekend: "DummyHead, PoopyHead and GoofyHead".
14) Woke up Sunday morning with one kid sleeping on my stomach, one on my left arm (numb for an hour) and the dog sleeping across my legs. My wife escaped to sleep on the couch.
15) We saluted during the burial
at sea (the toilet) of one of the goldfish. I explained
the toilet runs to the river, my son is now afraid of drinking
the dead goldfish, because he knows drinking water comes from
the river.
16) Had to explain to John
why we couldn't rent "The Devil in Miss Jones" at the
video store Friday. We settled on Spiderman. Bummer.
17) Said "Don't suck your thumb" about thirty times.
18) Said "Don't pick your nose" about ten times.
19) My son John came in on
Sunday telling me that Kyle had eaten all the "pills"
he
found in Mommy's pocketbook. I panicked, ran out and found Kyle
with the empty
TIC TAC container and beautiful breath.
20) Used the old "Doggies
playing Leapfrog" explanation at the park.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
While brushing my teeth last
night I was using a new cup in the bathroom. (It was one of those
large "Big Gulp" plastic types from convenience stores,
which I thought was odd for a bathroom cup). My son John came
in and asked me "Why are you drinking out of our wee-wee
pot?" I think I am going insane.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I heard my youngest child go
into the bathroom at 2:00 AM and felt good that he was finally
using the bathroom at night. I didn't hear any splashing, but
I was too tired to go look. I awoke and checked for where he went.
It took a while, but I discovered he urinated in the bathroom
trashcan. I love being a dad.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our next door neighbor has an older male dog that, when excited, tends to wet itself. The other day I was watching out the back window as my three year old, Kyle, played near the fence. Ziggy, the dog, came over and urinated on Kyle. Kyle was furious. As I was running out to help Kyle I watched in amazement as he stood up, pulled his pants down and preceeded to urinate on the dog.I screamed "Kyle what are you doing?"
"He wee-wee'd on me, I
can wee-wee on him".!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Setup- Last week we saw a review
of Backdraft (the movie) on TV. My son Kyle
(aged 3) just thought that was so cool.
Sunday, June 30.
We were having a party for John, now aged five. Suddenly we noticed a strange noise coming from the back family room. I heard my wife scream and ran to find out what was happening.
My son Kyle was standing in the middle of the room with the garden hose, with high pressure nozzle, spraying the walls, floors, furniture. There was about a half inch of water across the floor.
I am losing my mind.