1. Are you a sexual being?

A. No, I am a Republican
B. Yes, when I can work it in
C. I can, with effort, keep from thinking about sex for almost seven minutes

2. What is your usual method of getting/causing an erection?

A. Favorable stock projections
B. The sight of an alluring, semi-clad female
C. The sight of an alluring, semi-clad stockbroker
D. Drawing breath

3. Have you ever had an intimate encounter so passionate that just thinking about it
gives you a charley horse?

A. No, dammit
B. Not outside of the courtroom, no
C. Aaaaaghhhhhh!!
D. Not until just now

4. When judging male genitalia, is there a "normal" size?

A. One-third again the size of mine
B. Just large enough to startle the pets
C. God, I hope not

5. Who has influenced your sex life the most?

A. My mother
B. Asia Carrera
C. Batman

6. If a woman smiles during a sexual encounter with you, it must mean that:

A. she has gas
B. my check cleared
C. she has attained that level of sexual arousal where her mind and body are peaking simultaneously with ice-fire and she has to laugh with the sheer joy and excitement of it as her mind fills with the images of her uncontrollable lust, plus she's just realized she has gas

7. Is masturbation "normal"?

A. No, it's depraved and a sin against God Almighty and I wish I could stop
B. It's perfectly normal up to the point where it obstructs your view of oncoming traffic
C. Not the way I do it

8. When you masturbate, who do you picture?

A. My mother
B. Your mother
C. Asia Carrera. Oh, and Batman.

9. At the climax of oral sex, you believe a woman should:

A. Spit
B. Swallow
C. Aim 'N' Spray!
D. Gargle

10. If your teenage daughter wanted to pose naked, you would immediately:

A. Sit down and try to reason with her until she understood the ramifications of her impetuous actions
B. Advise her on makeup and lighting
C. Remind her that, as co-creator of her body, you hold the first North American publication rights

11. When should you actually bite a woman's nipples?

A. When she asks you to
B. When she commands you to
C. When it's the only way to make her let go of your testicles

12. In a sexual encounter, the order of climax should be:

A. Ladies first
B. Women and children first
C. Last one in's a rotten egg

13. Your mate has shyly suggested inviting another person into your bed. You reply:

A. Not as long as I have breath in my body, you traitorous bitch
B. Maybe, but only if we can be sure that it will only strengthen our relationship
C. Maybe, but only if she has really big tits
D. No, five people is crowding it as it is

14. From what source did you derive your first reliable sexual information?

A. Leviticus
B. My son's college roommate
C. Reading purity tests and taking notes
D. Japanese Anime videos

15. The signs that foreplay has been successful are:

A. your mate stirs
B. your mate experiences shortness of breath, erect nipples and a bright flush around the throat and chest
C. Your mate informs you in no uncertain terms that intercourse should commence
soon or you will be killed
D. an unexplicable flash fire

16. A woman is most attracted by:

A. A sensitive, caring guy
B. A sensitive, caring guy with a sense of humor
C. A sensitive, caring guy with a sense of humor and a hot-looking friend
D. A guy who can successfully breathe through his ears

17. What do you associate the most with successful sex?

A. Pepper gas
B. The fast-forward button
C. Those pesky paparazzi
D. Feathers, baby oil, and municipal transportation services

18. You are on a commercial airflight and the stunningly beautiful flight attendant
asks you if you want anything else. You immediately:

A. lose it right there and have to ask for another pillow
B. tell her "Nope!" and go back to watching "Private Benjamin"
C. ask her to call the other attendants over to go for the "Pile-High Club".

19. My ideal lubricant is:

A. Slick 50
B. A Visa Gold Card
C. The liquid you get inside canned ham
D. Pamela Anderson's saliva

20. You would rather have sex than: (choose the most appropriate)

A. re-mulch the flowerbed
B. get off at the correct stop
C. claim the last parachute