I slammed the door as I reentered my downtown apartment. I was fuming. I was mad. But most of all I was shattered.
Sighing deeply, I plopped down on my newly acquired plush couch. But this time, it didn’t hold the comfort it did just yesterday. The comfort vanished.
My eyes closed as I thought, once again, about what happened.

**Flashback**
“Hey Juju,” I teased, walking by him at lunch.
“If you get to call me Juju, I get to call you Moo Moo,” he said, smile on his face.
“WHAT? What kind of name is THAT?” I demanded, backtracking to his table.
“Yours.”
“That’s a COW’S name, not a human name,” I argued.
Justin shrugged his broad shoulders.
“Fine, JUJU,” I said, continuing my way.
“Bye Moo Moo,” he smiled.
**End Flashback**

What I would give for that past. What I would give to turn back time…

**Flashback**
The noise clanged, boomed, squeaked, and sent chills down my spine. We still needed work on our playing. Our oboe player kept squawking, our trombone player kept blowing at unnecessary times, and our French horn couldn’t play on key. I shuddered.
Then I turned and walked up to Justin. That was my hobby now. It was fun.
“Hey Juju,” I said casually, walking by to get a music stand.
“Moo Moo,” he called back playfully.
“Stop calling me that!” I said. But deep down, I didn’t care if he called me that or not…it was our thing. Our “thing.”
Justin just smiled. “Moo Moo.”
I couldn’t resist smiling. “Juju.”
“Is it true what they said about you liking Derek??” Mitch, the horrible French horn player taunted. That was HIS thing. He had a knack of bugging me. And I hated what he used to tease me with.
“Leave me alone Mitch.” I crossed my arms.
“Moo Moo,” I heard Justin grumble.
I turned to him and muttered, “Juju!”
“And did you know you’re flirting with him?” Mitch asked, pointing to Justin.
“No we’re not,” I said, the tingling of heat coming to my cheeks. “He started it.”
“Yeah, so?” Justin smiled.
Mitch just stared.
Then the realization hit me. “No! Not that! He started the whole name thing!”
Mitch nodded, unconvinced. “Riiight.”
“Oh leave me alone,” I said.
**End Flashback**

I sighed. If only that friendship could exist now…

**Flashback**
“Ok. I’ll make a deal with you,” I said. I ignored Mitch who, I knew, was watching intently.
He leaned forward in his chair, interested.
“If I call you Justin, you call me Jenn.”
He considered it. “Ok.”
Smiling, I said, “Bye Justin.”
“Bye Moo Moo,” Justin laughed.
I glared at him, but I couldn’t be mad…no. I wouldn’t. Never would I be at him.
Shaking my head, I went down to my seat to, well, sit.
Every once in a while I would glance back at him, but he’d never see me. Then I turned back once, he mouthed, “Hi Moo Moo.”
I rolled my eyes as he put up his hands in retreat. His mouth finally formed the words, “Hi Jenn.”
My smile stretched and I mouthed back, “Hey Justin.”
**End Flashback**

Tears brimmed my eyes. That’s what we should’ve been-friends. But now…

**Flashback**
Finally, I slung my heavy backpack over my shoulder with an, “Oof!” I looked over at my friend Tuesdey. She was ready to go.
“Let go this way. It’s shorter,” she said, pointing to a side.
I nodded. I knew that was where Justin’s locker was. Following Tuesdey, I saw his head of curls.
“Bye Justin,” I said.
He looked to his left, then finally to his right. Then he smiled. “Bye Jenn.”
Giggling quietly, I continued to follow Tuesdey.
**End Flashback**

‘Why did I have to do it?’ I thought. ‘Why?’
Remembering almost made me smile-almost. Then I remembered what else happened…

**Flashback**
I walked into math and set my books down. It was Valentine’s Day. Candy was everywhere. Pink and red adorned the hallways. A neat holiday, really.
I wrote down our assignments and made small talk with my friend Gen before he walked in.
He had his grin on his face as he went to his seat, in front of mine. Justin turned back and said, “Hey JENN.”
Before I could register what he said, I thrust a small heart shaped box of chocolates in his hands.
“Here. If you tell anyone I gave that to you, you’re dead,” I said softly to him.
He stared. “Uh…thanks.”
With that I sat down in my seat-just as Mr. Condon came in.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him reading my note under the table. I had put the note inside the wrapping of the box. My stomach lurched as I saw him and his friend Sam laughing.
**End Flashback**

My eyes bore into the wall, seeing the past images in the white plain.

**Flashback**
I glanced over at him again. He was holding the box in his hand. For everyone at his table to see. My eyes traveled to the ceiling, hoping he hadn’t told them. At one point in class, I could see Jon and Christian probing Justin. I didn’t know what he said. But I prayed he hadn’t told them. Every single time I was friends with a guy, I would like him because we’d be close. Then he would find out and shut himself off from me. Oh how I hated that. I only hoped it wouldn’t happen again. I really wanted this one to work…
I even heard an assistant teacher ask, “Did you get that from a boy or girl?” Oh my god I was worried…
Once the bell rung, I went to him and asked, “Did you tell them?”
“No.”
“Oh ok, good.”
**End Flashback**

My mind fast-forwarded to later that day…

**Flashback**
My pen flew fast over the page, writing the note to Jessica. My thoughts ran rapidly, and my hand moved to try to keep pace.
BOOM the note landed on my paper. Looking up quickly, I saw that it was Justin. In that instant my heart beat faster. Checking if Mrs. Gaughan could see or not, I started to unfold the note slowly.
My eyes scanned the page…

Jenn (Moo Moo)-
  Sorry! I couldn’t resist. Anyway thanks for the chocolates. That was nice of you. I don’t really have anything to give you, but if you come to my locker, I have these little hard candies and you can have some of those. (My locker is A147)
Thanks again-
Justin

I smiled and started to write back.

Justin-
  Thanks! You don’t have to, but I’ll come by your locker anyways.
Happy Valentine’s Day~
Jenn

I folded up the note and tried to think of a way to get it to him.
“Ok class, now get into groups. We’re working on the packets again.” Mrs. Gaughan’s voice rang.
‘Darn’ I thought. A huge crowd of people were gathering at Justin’s table. Then I was hit by a stroke of genius. I got up and walked over to the teacher’s desk, right next to Justin’s. I noticed his hand was hanging off the table, which made my job easier. I lowered my hand in the note fit easily into his. But I couldn’t dismiss the tingling feeling in my arm as I reached for a tissue on the desk.
**End Flashback**

Now my mind was pounding, reconstructing every memory I had of him…

**Flashback**
Slowly, I walked to my locker. The numbers flashed by on the dial as I mindlessly turned the knob. He didn’t even speak to me today…not even a glance. And I hated it. I really liked Justin. I even went as far as to say I was in love with him…no, actually, obsessed. The only reason I could think of was the little gift I gave to him yesterday. It was his own fault he showed it to them…then I realized it must’ve been Jon. I had told him the other day that I gave the chocolates to him…and they sat next to each other in Tech Ed… He must’ve been teasing him. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
‘Damn Jon. Damn them all’
**End Flashback**

Flames flickered in my eyes as I thought even harder.

**Flashback**
The halls were quiet as I scribbled down a quick note with my Grinch pen I got from Jon for Christmas. I looked it over.

“Juju-
Will you go out with me?
From: You can guess
P.S. Write back. My locker’s A363.”

It looked good enough. I tore it out of the notebook and folded it neatly. I stuffed everything back into my locker and went to Justin’s… A139…A140…A147! Ah hah.
I stuck the note into the first vent in the locker, then went back to class.
**End Flashback**

More memories still poured as my chaotic week unfolded…

**Flashback**
Band. Ugh. I dragged my flute case out of my locker and trudged on nervously to band. I passed by Justin’s row of lockers…and I saw Adam, one of the biggest rumor spreaders, unfold a note. Mine? I don’t know. I hoped I didn’t put it in the wrong locker…
I sat down and my best friend, Genevieve, sat down next to me. I told her what I did and her eyes bugged.
“You asked him out? What’d he say?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t write back yet,” I said.
Gen took a glance back. “He’s reading it!” she whispered.
Slowly, I took a peek behind me. Yes he was reading it. Christian leaned over to see, but Justin turned away from him.
I sighed.
“I think he’s gonna say yes,” Gen said.
“How do you know?”
“Cuz he likes you.”
‘Pssh’
**End Flashback**

Anger slowly itched, and my harbored pain slowly rose…

**Flashback**
‘An new day’ I thought to myself as I went to my locker. I put all my stuff away and took out some things. It was Friday. Finally. The 3-day weekend was coming up.
**End Flashback**

**Flashback**
Jessica and I dumped our trays and made way back to our table when we heard Justin say, “No Sam, I will NOT go out with you. Just because you’re gay, doesn’t mean everyone else is.”
We stopped dead on our tracks.
“WHAT?” Jessica asked, bewildered.
I heard about this little “game” they played. Nasty really, but funny as hell. Jon told me about it.
Sam glared at Kyle. “Stop it Justin. No, I will not go to the bathroom with you.”
I could barely contain my laughter as they went on and on.
“I’m gonna say that when Ashley’s here,” Justin said devilishly.
Ashley was Sam’s girlfriend. Nasty little girl she was. All of a sudden she becomes this demon of…never mind. But she goes up to guys and asks them questions about their balls…it is soo gross.
“Don’t you dare!”
“Watch me,” Justin snickered.
“Justin did you get my note?” I asked.
He looked at me blankly for a second. “Yeah.”
Sam rolled his eyes. Then he started talking to Kevin who was sitting next to him.
Justin stood up and was talking to Zack, but I didn’t bother to leave. I was having a blast listening to what they were saying, although Justin had invaded my hidden question.
“No Sam, I won’t touch you there for a dollar,” Justin said. “Not even for a hundred.”
Jessica and I started laughing again.
As if on cue, Ashley came up to their table and sat down next to Sam, since Kevin left.
Justin took his cue. “No Sam, I will NOT go out with you. Just because YOU’RE gay, doesn’t mean everyone else is.”
Sam became as red as a Coke can and glared at Justin, who fought to look serious.
“Sam’s not gay,” Ashley said, oblivious to what was going on as she put her arms around his neck.
‘PDA Ash…’ I thought in my head.
“C’mon Jenn,” Jessica said. “We have to go.”
I looked up at the clock. Then shook my head and went back to class.
**End Flashback**

‘Couldn’t have told me right there?’ I thought to myself. ‘No…you had to have me do it myself…’

**Flashback**
“What did he say?” Gen asked for the millionth time.
“I DON’T KNOW! He still hasn’t told me,” I said. “I asked him during lunch if he got my note, but he only said, Yeah.”
“Do you want me to ask him?” she offered.
“Would you?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Thanks!”
With that, I got my stuff to go to science. I walked into the room and set down my stuff. Then I turned back to see what Justin said.
Gen came up to me and I knew from the look on her face.
“What’d he say?” I asked, heart heavy.
“He said no,” she said.
In that second, the instant the words left her mouth, I felt…small. Vulnerable.
“I told you,” I grumbled.
“Don’t feel bad,” she said. “He’s a jerk.”
“Yeah well…”
We went on to science, and I plopped down onto my chair. I knew the consequences of asking him out. Now I would suffer them. Only, I didn’t know it would be so much harder than I thought it would be.
**End Flashback**

I squeezed my eyes shut finally, hoping to be rid of the horrid feeling in my heart…the emptiness. The regret.

**Flashback**
My stare was broken by the little nudge Gen gave me. I read the note.

Jenn-
  If he says not then he is a big idiot with no brain! He will never get Christina Aguilera and as your friend, I say you are the next best. No, you are better! You can sing, you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re nice and (as if your personality isn’t great enough) you’re pretty!
I mean, what’s wrong with the kid? Truth be told the kid’s a loser if he doesn’t say yes! He’s squat compared to you.
-Gen

I smiled. It made me feel a little better. At least someone cared. But still… Subconsciously I pulled out a piece of paper and a multicolored pen and started writing.

Justin Timberlake-
Why couldn’t you have told me NO yourself?? I had to have Gen tell me! …

And I went on and on…I was venting. Venting for my shattered heart.
I stood up and asked Jessica (Wolverton) if she could give it to Justin. She agreed not to read it, and I knew I could take her word for it.
**End Flashback**

**Flashback**
“C’mon!” Tuesdey urged, going ahead.
“Coming,” I grumbled, following after her. We were going towards Justin’s locker again. I told her no…but whatever.
I went ahead and I saw him pack up. I looked straight ahead and saw Kelsey come up to him…and HUG him.
My mind whirling…my heart was hurting. She was one of my worst…well, acquaintances. She couldn’t have been that much better than anyone. She was basically an evil child…but then, how come she’s had so much more boyfriends than anyone else? I sped up, Tuesdey far behind me now.
In the distance I saw Jon. I felt that I could talk to him…this time.
“Jenn is it true that you like Justin Timberlake?” Sara asked.
“Who told you that?” I asked, feeling kind of mad.
“Jon,” Caitlin and Sara chorused, pointing to the pathetic figure trying to run away.
I sighed. I barely had the energy to beat his living daylights out. All I wanted was to go home.
**End Flashback**

My breaths were shuddering. My mind was spinning…my blood was boiling. But worst of all, my heart was shattering all over again…

**Flashback**
I sighed and logged onto MSN. At least I could talk to Kait…she was my friend. Without a clue as to what was going on with me.
I clicked on the link for my email and waited almost impatiently for it to load.
I had to walk home nearly a fourth of a mile up my STREET from the bus stop. It doesn’t pay to be last.
Finally, I got to log onto my screen name. That had to load. Then my heart leapt to my throat.
I got an email from him…the screen name was too unique to be anyone else’s. Nervously, I clicked on the message.

Jenn-
  Ok u r over reacting a ton so just chill out. Sam told me he was going to tell you that I said no, but I guess he forgot or something. So if you’re gonna be all crappy about it, I suppose that’s fine with me. But just know I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.

Justin

P.S. I read that note aloud to about 5 people in the locker room. Then Adam stole it and read it thousands more people. So much for the “show this to anyone and you die!”

ERR I hated him right then. But I couldn’t. He had this stupid way with words I couldn’t resist. And I hated it. I hated the world right then. But most of all I hated myself. Why couldn’t I have kept my mouth shut? Why couldn’t I have…Why did I give him that gift?? Hadn’t I learned yet? Hadn’t I learned that ‘boy FRIENDS’ don’t accept forward gifts? Why…HOW could I still like him…love him?
**End Flashback**

The annoying itch of my tears became unbearable and I wiped them away with the back of my hand. Right then I was grateful that I was alone in my apartment. But I was dying…because I was alone in my soul.

**Flashback**
I clicked the REPLY button and waited for it to come up. I typed up the usual stuff. Sorry, sorry, sorry, oh and can we be friends? I poured it all out…because I realized how stupid I was before…
Then I sent it. Of course I was hit with another wave of inspiration and I opened of Microsoft Word. My fingers flew over the keys, typing up my thoughts and putting them into verses. Typing up my soul. Yet…not even remotely reaching my feelings.

“I wish to take back
All the words I said today.
I’m sorry if I offended you
In any possible way.

I was acting on emotion,
Nothing was making sense.
But this is now,
And that was then.

I realize the stupidity of my actions,
The ones that happened just today.
A million and one sorry’s
Are all I have to say.

Please take my apology,
I would be unhappy if you don’t.
Think that I’d be normal,
But after that I won’t.

I hope we can still be friends,
And not be just acquaintances.
You don’t know
How extremely hard this is.

One million and one sorry’s
Are all I have to give.
And here I sit…
Praying you’ll forgive.

-Jenn
“A Million and One Sorry’s” ©

I just wrote this, so don’t blame me if it sucks! : )”

I read it over, then reread it. I changed a few tiny things, then clicked send.
**End Flashback**

He still hadn’t responded. It had been 3 days. Three days of worrying…three days of slowly dying… I had gotten a headache from thinking about it so much.
Now I wished that I hadn’t given Justin the gift. I wish I hadn’t asked him out. Maybe then we would be friends still. But he hadn’t replied…I wasn’t forgiven. Not yet. Maybe never.
Sometimes, I felt as if I were the only one suffering any-the only one with any problems. Everyone had smiles while I had a frown. Everyone laughed while I cried. Everyone was happy. But I wasn’t. I had to be the one sacrificed to loneliness. It worked.
I tucked my knees to my chest. The room seemed much more vast and empty. Cold. Vacant. Whatever you wanted to call it-it was cold and drained of soul. That’s what I felt.
I didn’t have his friendship. I didn’t have anything. Had he purposely left me off? Had he intentionally left me waiting anxiously for his precious answer? Did he even care? Does what I feel really even matter to him? Will I ever regain my shattered heart? Or will I live forever within my deep regret??