KRAGTOWL
In a steamy tavern of semi-drunk, passionate and head-butting Klingons, I sat nervously sipping at my wine. As the latest 'tense moment' calmed down on the other side of the room, I realized that most of the clientele here were more interested in each other than a small pale human trying to look small in a corner. Okay, I'll admit it, this is not my usual kind of place for an interview, and those Klingons certainly have vigour! As I was attempting to blend perfectly into the background, I reminded myself that I had managed to land an interview with the biggest, fiercest Klingon of them all - Kragtowl a.k.a. Bear. As I nervously looked around, I tried to bring to mind that story I'd heard that Kragtowl was a gentle soul who as a child kept little chipmunks for pets - however for the first time I began to worry about what a Klingon chipmunk might look like? Six-feet tall with razor-sharp saber teeth perhaps? | |||
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Concentrating hard on invisibility, I was first aware that Kragtowl had arrived when I noticed a loud raucous sneeze that rent the air and dislodged a couple of trembling ewoks from their hiding place under my table. I turned to look up….way up…and was greeted by Kragtowl's enquiring face, 
"..Qapla …is that wine you have there LadyWight?"
Kragtowl was actually born on Earth it seems and as such is quite conversant with Earth culture which explains a lot as to why he appears so human at times (see picture below) and he further reveals this nature by his stated preference for the colour blue - which is friendly according to all the physchology books. Contrary to many people's impressions of Klingons, Kragtowl has quite a sense of humour. His favourites includes, Jerry Lewis, Robin Williams, the Three Stooges, Abbot and Costello, and George Carlin. Although one might justifiably assume that Mr. Towl's penchant for slapstick comedy might be related to the Klingon temperament, Kragtowl argues that slapstick humour does not deserve the critic's tag of being about violence. Such views, he says, are products of today's need to over analyse things. "Discipline and morality seem to have be put aside in favour of political correctness". "Are you a hunter Kragtowl?" I asked. "Not with a gun, I use a bow" "That's very Klingon of you," I mused out loud. The bustle around us in the tavern faded as Kragtowl began to speak about his grandmother, who had a strong influence on him. "My Grandmother," continued Kragtowl, "was a major influence in my life. I believe that everything I am today stems from her: my notions of right and wrong, courtesy, family and my open view to life. She also taught me to help whenever I can." At this point in the interview, a large Klingon a few tables over threw back his chair and smashed both fists on his table, glaring at his companion. "Qu'vatlh" he snarled in Klingon. I hastily switched on my universal translator in time to pick up what sounded like, "Your mother has a smooth forehead too". There was another horrendous crash of breaking furniture before the two were forcibly beamed out by the bartender; hopefully to different parts of the planet! I pressed on with the interview. "Do you believe in gun control Kragtowl?" "What changed your mind about being a cop?" "Well, being shot was one good reason." He related the story: On a routine traffic violation, Mr. Towl was approaching a Cadillac when he noticed the trunk was open. Automatically, he went to close it in case anyone was inside. It was then that he noticed a large bale of marijuana. Turning back to the driver, he was promptly shot in the leg with a .25 automatic. As he fell, Kragtowl was lucky enough to have got off a shot himself, catching the driver in the groin and removing a good portion of his ability to reproduce. The driver is now serving 20 years and a day, which means no parole. Once out of the hospital, Kragtowl joined the Navy. After two back-to-back tours of the Mediterranean, including Spain, Italy, France, Tunisa and Israel, Kragtowl found his travels had expanded his world view. He has incorporated this into his solid spiritual beliefs that can be summed up with the maxim, "The only true church of God is in man's own heart. So long as he believes in me, he will be saved." A fascinating person, Kragtowl firmly believes in reincarnation and knows himself to be an older soul. "What draws you to the cyberworld, Kragtowl?" Without hesitation, Kragtowl responded with, "SF/F - I came to realize at a young age that science fiction and fantasy had a tendency to become reality. Being so aware, has enabled me to prepare for and embrace the future." "To ease that common sense of shock when one is abducted by aliens?" I asked innocently. "Most definitely…and I can't wait LadyWight!"
Since 1989, Kragtowl has attended
conventions winning awards for
his barbarian knight's costume. But, it wasn't until he saw Christopher Lloyd (also
known as "Jim" from Taxi and numerous other movie
credits) dressed as a Klingon that Kragtowl
realized his true inner self. "Relating to Klingons is second
nature for me LadyWight," he said. "because of their code of honour,
loyalty and courage. Those are important traits that are not seen
enough in today's world." I took another sip of my tea and asked, "Kragtowl, if you could choose which century you could be born into, which one would you choose?" "That's a tough one," Kragtowl said reflecting. "The past holds a lot of attraction for me and no doubt I would have loved to live through some of those times. But, the future holds so much promise - it's hard to make a choice. I guess I would have to say right now, because, perhaps here today I will be able to influence in some small way the world of tomorrow." Despite his hopes for the future, Kragtowl expressed concern that humanity is heading down a rocky road that could end in disaster. Even so, his view is that SF/F has a moderating influence by warning and preparing people to avoid some of the pitfalls along the way. Having said that though, Kragtowl admits that SF/F sometimes get 'bad press' as not being 'real' literature or even a serious genre. "I get that all the time," said Kragtowl, "but I just shrug and say to people - I am a SF/F fan in the same way that you are sports team fan. That seems to make people stop and understand or at least respect my interests." At this point, Kragtowl's beeper went off and in that harsh Klingon language, Kragtowl barked into his voice communicator. Turning back to me, Kragtowl said, "My apologies, LadyWight, but it seems that there are some problems with the Praxis mainframe…and I'm the on-call computer technician tonight." "Of course." I said. "Tagh Jolpat!" Kragtowl snarled into the voice comm and nodded to me as he was beamed away. I waited for a few minutes for my eyes to re-adjust to the dark room after the glare of the transporter beam, then folded my notepad and slid unobserved out of the tavern. Wow...what an impressive, dignified and huge sentient! |
