A Hot Cup of Coffee
Part 2 of 5
Synopsis: The saga about coffee... and having too much of it.
A Hot Cup of Coffee
Four days later, a small crowd had gathered in the holodeck to usher in "Whodunit", the much-anticipated holonovel that Paris had promised them.
"So, Tom, who do we play?" asked Harry Kim.
Paris sighed and eyed his best friend. "Harry, you play Harry Kim; B'Elanna plays B'Elanna; and Samantha plays Samantha! It's more fun this way!"
"Then why aren't you playing? You said you've got a random variable on the game."
"'Cause I have to make sure the game runs through right."
"Well, thanks for spoiling my day. I was hoping I'd get to shoot myself again." He wandered away from Paris.
Chakotay and Ensign Wildman were next. "I'm not the bad guy, am I?" the commander grinned.
"Nope. The computer selects randomly from the people who aren't playing, that way you can still play yourself without the computer running into any problems." He grinned. "But it might be you next time somebody else plays it!"
"Well, in that case, I hope the killer isn't Naomi!" Samantha laughed, referring to her daughter, the ship's mascot and self-proclaimed Captain's Assistant.
"You never know," Paris said cryptically, drawing a stunned expression from the ensign.
"I, for one, am looking forward to practicing my detective skills," put in the doctor.
"Same, here," Janeway added. "C'mon, people, let's get this game going!" The players cheered, and the spectators began to leave. "Tom, since you aren't playing, would you kindly keep an eye on things from Engineering?"
Paris laughed. "Good idea. Who knows what I've screwed up?"
* * *
Captain Janeway shifted impatiently in her command chair, having already updated the captain's log. Beside her, Chakotay gave a knowing smile. The holographic simulation of Voyager swept smoothly through warp toward Mestrail III, the homeworld of a friendly species who had established a beacon inviting passers-by to detour to their homeworld for a short time.
Following her instincts, and knowing it was intended in the game, Janeway ordered Voyager to turn for the Mestrail system. She knew, without asking the computer, that she'd been in the holodeck a half-hour already, though she felt as though she'd never left the bridge.
"We're approaching Mestrail III," the holographic Tuvok announced.
"Take us out of warp, Mr. Paris," she responded automatically, standing up. The stars slowed to a halt as Voyager gracefully returned to normal space not far from a small blue planet.
"We're receiving a transmission," the real Ensign Kim reported.
"On screen!"
The head and shoulders of a humanoid appeared on the screen. There were obvious seal-like features to her appearance: large brown eyes and smooth fur. "Greetings, voyagers, and welcome to our planet." Tom Paris, the holographic one, snickered, apparently at the woman's unintentional reference to Voyager. "To whom do I owe the honor of addressing?"
Ignoring Paris (my, how this felt like the real thing!), Janeway stepped forward. "I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager."
The humanoid blinked once, then smiled. "I didn't mean to make a joke, I was merely giving you the standard greeting." She took a deep breath before continuing. "My name is Lomana. I am the official greeter of Mestrail III. Ours is a peaceable world and we specialize in commerce. I know not the establishment you hail from, nor what kind of currency you use, but chances are, some sort of arrangement may be met."
"We don't use currency, where we come from, but we might be willing to trade. We have traveled far and have picked up a few items which may be of interest to the merchants of your planet."
"Did you say you have traveled far?"
Janeway nodded. She was beginning to like the open eagerness of the diplomat. "We're from the Alpha Quadrant, on the other side of the galaxy."
The furry woman's smile was immediate. "Information, Captain, is a very valuable commodity indeed, and very marketable, especially information from worlds as distant as you claim. You are officially invited to the largest trading city of our planet, Prism. It's the largest city on the southern hemisphere."
"Thank you, Ambassador Lomana." The transmission having ended, Janeway turned back to her bridge crew, a hopeful smile on her face.
"Their technology is nearly comparable to our own," Tuvok said. "We will not need to send a shuttlecraft down. They have transporter technology."
Janeway was puzzled. Surely Tom Paris, in programming this holonovel, would have put it so he could fly a shuttle to the planet's surface. "Tuvok?" She felt foolish for asking this. "Is Prism underwater? Ambassador Lomana looks like she is of an aquatic race."
"The city, Captain, is on a floating coral reef. It is above water."
Paris had done a good job of programming Tuvok. She felt just as if she was really talking to her friend. She smiled appreciatively. "All right, then. I'll take Neelix, the doctor, Commander Chakotay, Ensign Kim, Lieutenant Torres, and Ensign Wildman with me to Prism."
Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps it would be most logical if either you or Commander Chakotay remained here."
Paris really had done his homework. Sighing, she turned to Chakotay, who looked a little disappointed. "Go ahead," he sighed. Then, under his breath, Janeway heard him mutter, "Thanks, Tom."
Paris, seated at the front of the bridge, grinned. "Don't mention it, Chakotay."
* * *
As they re-materialized, Captain Janeway took stock of her surroundings. She stood on a surface resembling Old Earth concrete in the middle of a lush blue-green park. Humanoids and even an occasional sauroid milled about the busy path, dressed in clothes of greatly varying color and cut.
"Ooh!" someone squealed, "you have transporter technology!" The away team spun around to confront a waist-high creature covered in shining red-orange scales.
"Yes, we do. I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager." She remembered, at the last instant, to not extend her hand, seeing that the speaker had no appendages. Or eyes. Or a mouth.
"You must be the new visitors, the ones from the other side of the galaxy! News about you has spread all across the planet! I am Jestra'y, commander of the D'raira trade vessel Medeshal. You are welcome to trade with us anytime!"
Janeway nodded her head. "Pleased to meet you Jestra'y. Allow me to introduce the members of my away team: Lieutenant Torres, my chief engineer; Neelix, the ship's cook and morale officer; our doctor; Ensign Kim; and Ensign Wildman." She gestured to each crewmember in turn.
Jestra'y hopped backward. "Y-you are militaries?"
"Not exactly," she replied, seeing what she assumed was a frightened look on the D'rairan's face. "Voyager is a science vessel. We're explorers, looking for a way back home."
"But you are militaries," it pointed out, then quivered slightly. The captain assumed that was its way of sighing. "You do seem awfully friendly for militaries, so I guess it's all right. My people have just had a lot of trouble with militaries in our past, trying to make our planet a part of their little empire." The upper portion of its body twisted back and forth, as if shaking its head.
"Our people, too, have had trouble with conqueror races before," Janeway sympathized. "But we've always been resilient."
"You have?" The captain nodded. "Well!" exclaimed Jestra'y. "It seems we have more in common than one might have known! Please, do step this way! My booth and our foods are in the main bazaar. Would you be so kind as to look?"
* * *
Samantha Wildman was puzzled. Everything thus far had gone perfectly smooth. The away team was enjoying time on the surface of the planet. Neelix was arguing with an orange-furred creature over the price of some fruits that resembled Bolian star fruit on the outside and cantaloupe on the inside.
Wildman walked over to a booth displaying various children's toys, looking for something for Naomi. Immediately, one of the Mestrailians stepped over.
"Can I help you?" he inquired.
"Uh, yes, I'm looking for something for my daughter, Naomi," she replied nervously.
"What coin do you deal in?"
"Excuse me?"
The Mestrailian stared at her for a minute. "What currency do you use?"
She laughed a little. "We don't use currency. We deal in information."
His liquid brown eyes managed to widen further. "You are the Alpha Quadranters! I'll be glad to take your coin! What sort of thing are you interested in purchasing for your cub?"
Knitting her brow, Wildman walked around the booth. "Naomi is a bright child. I think I might want something to challenge her intelligence. Do you keep mind games or puzzles?"
The merchant leaned back, folding his wide, flat hands, and wriggled his nose. "You are a very rare people indeed. I thought the only cubs interested in these items would be Borg. I understand they like to, ah, assimilate a challenge or two daily."
Despite herself, Samantha laughed. "Don't tell that to Seven-of-Nine. She would tell you Borg don't have children."
He coughed. "You have Borg on your ship?"
"Yes. Well, a former Borg, anyway. Seven is no longer a part of the Collective."
Relaxing, the merchant closed his eyes. "Borg don't have children. I suppose, to a toy maker such as myself, that that is fairly important information, though I hope I never get into a situation where I trade with the Borg. Conundrums are not much in demand, so I think I can give you two for the price of that information."
Wildman blinked. "But surely—"
"Madam, if you describe to me the favorite toy of human cubs, I might throw a Mestrailian child's doll into the deal."
Looking at the adults, the ensign had no doubt the doll would be simply adorable. What was a favorite human child's toy? "All right, it's called a 'teddy bear'," she began. "And—do you have a something to draw on? And it looks like this..."
* * *
B'Elanna Torres never knew Paris could be so devious. She had been in the holodeck program for nearly three hours already, and nothing had happened yet. "C'mon, Tom," she pleaded. "Where's the action in this whole thing?"
"Your pardon, madam," began a squeaky voice.
The lieutenant spun around, looking down for the source of the tiny voice. Then she looked up, and up, into the amber eyes of a giant bipedal mouse.
"Your pardon, madam," it squeaked. "Would you be interested in buying cheese? We have cheeses from all over this quadrant and, since your people deal in information, we would be willing to trade cheese for recipes or variants from your quadrant." The rodent gestured at a wooden table behind it, which resembled a giant version of the mechanical device called a mousetrap.
"Uh, I'm not the food specialist on our ship," she began, "but, if you'd like, I could fetch him for you."
"Him? Are you crazy?" the mouse squeaked. "A male? Isn't your society matriarchal? Your captain is female, correct?" B'Elanna now knew the indignant rodent was female, anyway.
"Yes, our captain is a woman, but, no, our society isn't matriarchal. We value the opinions of the males just as much as the females." Sometimes, she thought.
The mouse's brow creased. "Well, that's just weird," she muttered, walking off. Torres had never been more confused and she knew the programmer was to blame.
* * *
Janeway was beginning to enjoy herself when a soft chime announced the end of the duty shift. "Computer, freeze program!"
Ensign Kim peered around an enormous rug at her. "Captain?" he queried.
"Sorry, end of the duty shift." She sighed. "We'll have to get together tomorrow to play."
"Oh." The ensign looked disappointed. "I was just starting to like the market."
"Me, too, Harry." She glanced around at the bazaar one more time. "Computer, end program." As the walls of the holodeck appeared around her, she heard muted cries of disappointment.
Neelix, on his way out the door, grinned excitedly. "I hope Tom has more fun for us like this tomorrow!"
"Fun?" groaned Lieutenant Torres. "Fun isn't being asked to buy cheese by a giant mouse with a little squeaky voice!"
The Janeway, Wildman, Kim, and Chakotay exchanged a four-way glance. The two ensigns actually began to laugh.
"I suppose she had a mousetrap for a booth?" the doctor asked, clearly amused.
The engineer's returning glare was the only reply they needed.
* * *
"Captain Janeway!"
Janeway turned away from the crystal sculptor's kiosk to face the speaker. "Ambassador Lomana!"
The Mestrailian woman smiled in return. "It's just Lomana, right now. I'm on vacation for the next few days. How have you fared in our city, Captain? Find anything of interest?"
As she stepped nearer, now wearing civilian garments, Lomana shot the captain a grin. "You appreciate sculpture, I see. I personally prefer stone or water sculptures, but I'll admit to having a few glass and crystal as well."
The captain nodded to the sculptor. "Mister Kravil is an excellent sculptor. I've been considering the purchase of this one." She held up a fragile bird of colored glass. The tips of the wings and the beak were touched in silver, and the glass between the gleaming aqua base and the soaring sea bird was nearly invisible, making it seem to float.
Lomana's large brown eyes widened. "Father, if you had told me about this bird before, it wouldn't be available for Janeway."
Kravil looked up from his worktable. "Why do you think I didn't tell you about it? Besides, I thought you preferred other mediums."
Janeway looked back and forth between the two. "Master Sculptor Kravil is your father?"
"Yes. Thankfully, I take after my mother."
The sculptor snorted and went back to work.
Sparing a smile for her father, Lomana turned to Janeway. "What if I show you the water sculptures?"
Rolling her eyes, Janeway replied, "I never was this cruel to my father." The Mestrailian's impish grin reminded her, very suddenly, of Tom Paris' own grin. Oh, boy.
"Voyager to Captain Janeway."
"Janeway here," she braced herself for bad news.
The grin in her first officer's voice was immediate. "How long are you going to keep all the fun to yourself? Neelix, B'Elanna, Harry, and Samantha report that they're finished. How about the captain?"
She resisted the urge to snort. "The captain will be finished only after she decides which sculpture to purchase."
"Can I help you with that decision?" Paris asked
Amused, she replied, "Go ahead, lieutenant."
"Find the one that costs the most and exchange a joke for it."
"A joke, Mr. Paris?"
"Jokes, especially those from distant cultures, are extremely valuable," Lomana answered her, with another grin. "Puns, especially."
She felt a wash of relief. For a minute, Janeway hadn't seen any indication of Paris' touch in the holonovel.
"I suppose, Tom, that you have a valuable joke to share?" She picked up the delicate sea bird.
"Well..."
"Spit it out, lieutenant."
"What would you call a drone who plays the piano?"
"You got me, Tom. What?"
"Victor Borg-e."
Shaking her head, the captain couldn't help but smile. "Funny, Tom, but try to pick something they'll understand?"
"Right. What's the only thing a photonic being can have for lunch?" He waited before delivering, "A light meal."
"Lieutenant—" she began, rolling her eyes.
"Sorry, Captain." She could hear the grin in his voice. "Well, then what would it be called if a local court in Prism made an error?"
Janeway repeated the question to Kravil and his daughter. "What's the punch line?"
"A Mes-trial." She heard the groans of the bridge officers, minus Tuvok, through the comm.
"Very funny, Mr. Paris. It's a good thing I didn't let you come on this away mission; we'd have so many glass sculptures, the bulkheads would creak!"
"Just doin' my job, ma'am," he replied.
"I'll remember that next time we need a comic on an away mission. Janeway out."
Father and daughter waited patiently for the punch line, blinking their large, liquid eyes solemnly. "Well?" Kravil asked.
"A Mes-trial," Janeway ighed.
For a few seconds, the two Mestrailians stood quietly. Janeway was beginning to become afraid the joke wasn't their type of humor when Lomana suddenly exhaled the anticipatory breath she'd been holding. Kravil began to chuckle. Soon the two were clutching their sides and laughing all out. The owners of the nearby stalls peered over, curious to see what the mirth was all about.
"That—that's pretty good!" Kravil wheezed.
"P-pretty good? That was—hilarious!" Lomana gasped.
"H-here." The sculptor reached out, swiping tears from his eyes, and deftly packed the sculpture into a small box, sealed it, and pumped it full of air to cushion the sculpture. He handed the box to Janeway. "I only wish you people weren't in such a hurry! I'll be able to purchase supplies for a month with that kind of joke!"
Shaking her head, Janeway tapped her commbadge. "Away team to Voyager. I'm through, Chakotay."
<* * *
She was in her ready room, debating where to display her new sculpture when the chime sounded.
"Enter," she called.
Paris stepped through the door. "What would you say if I stayed behind?"
She spun around quickly, but then saw the grin on his face. "I'm tempted to leave you here, lieutenant."
"Aw, shucks, ma'am, I feel unappreciated. At least the Mestrailians like my jokes," he drawled, pouting a little.
"Hmm... In that case, you should be able to afford a rather expensive lifestyle. You're a chock full of twisted humor and bad jokes."
Tom was about to reply when the door opened again. It was Tuvok.
"Captain, there has been an accident in Cargo Bay One, which resulted in the death of Ensign Berggren."
Janeway felt her heart grow cold, then suddenly remembered she was playing a game. "What happened?"
"He was storing supplies obtained on the away mission when a large packing crate fell on him."