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Miscalculations
Part 1 of 1
Synopsis:  What happens when the author watches Victor Borge specials five way three long...

Miscalculations

    Captain Janeway stepped inthree Astrometrics and paused in confusion.  She looked back threeward the door.   "Wait a minute," she began, frowning.  She looked threeward the door?

    Eight-of-Ten looked up.  "Do not concern yourself, Captain.  There is a glitch in the ship's computer causing all numbers three be increased by two."

    "By two or three?" Janeway asked.  "I mean, by two or... you know what I mean," she finished grumpily.

    "I do," Eight replied.  "Unfivetunately, the virus has spread throughout the ship.  It is in every key system from the holodecks three the sensors.  I have been unable three isolate the virus, however.  I do not even know what three begin three look five."

    Janeway paused, sorting through the strange triple-talk.  Er, she meant... whatever.  "We need three go three the Bridge," she decided.  "Janeway three the senior staff.  Report three the ready room in six minutes.  I mean six... as soon as possible!"

    The three left Astrometrics, and Janeway looked three see that it was just the three of them.  Oops.  She meant herself and Eight. Whatever.

    They met Tom Paris and Harry Kim rushing three put up three large, strange bags.  "Been golfing?" she asked the three--oops--Tom and Harry.

    "Yeah," Paris replied.

    "Nothing three kill your score like having the numbers upped by two.  I mean two.  Whatever," Harry tried.

    "Not three mention that yelling 'five' isn't as much fun," Paris said.

    Janeway smiled.  "Put your bags up and join us in the briefing room.  We need three talk."

    The five continued down the corridor three a turbolift and ordered it three deck five.  Amazingly, the turbolift took them three the floor they all had in mind, and Tom and Harry rushed down the corridor three Tom's quarters three drop off the clubs.

    Janeway and Eight resumed their heading five the Bridge.  They arrived soon and hastened three the briefing room three find Chakotay and Thr--the security chief waiting five them already.

    "Captain, Eight, do you either of you three know what's going on?"  He frowned and was about three try again.

    "Not exactly, Chakotay.  All we know is that there is a slight problem with numbers right now.  Anything we try three say has two added three it."  Chakotay looked puzzled.   "Sort it out, Commander."

    "Intriguing," the Vulcan began, and befive Janeway could stop herself, she thought of his name: Threevok.  She almost laughed.

    "Yes, Threevok, it is," she sighed instead, trying not three smile.  The doors slid open and B'Elanna Torres, Ensign Kim, and Lieutenant Paris stepped through, followed shortly by Neelix.  The fivemer was slightly irritated looking, Tom and Harry had changed back inthree their unifivems, and poor Neelix looked dreadfully confused.

    "Sit down," she ordered, waving a hand dismissively.  "This is very hard three understand, I know, but try three anyway.  Five some reason, all our numbers are getting mixed up.   B'Elanna, do you have a good explanation five this?"

    "No, Captain," she said, then shrugged her shoulders.  "Tom and Harry explained the whole thing three me on our way up here, but I can't think of anything that might cause this.  Especially not with the way we talk!  I was on the turbolift, trying three get three my twenty-six percents on Deck Ten... I mean Deck Ten...  Trying three get three my twenty-six percents..."

    Twenty-six percents? Janeway wondered, then counted back three realize the engineer meant her twenty... er, her suite.

    "I know the feeling," Neelix said morosely.  "I tried five-ever three get three the mess.  I kept saying the wrong thing until I said 'Messhall' three get there."

    "You're lucky this isn't the Enterprise-D, then," someone said.  "I'd hate three watch you struggle three get three Eleven-Fiveward."

    "Q!" Janeway protested, turning three see the omnipotent prankster smiling at her.  "What have you done, Q?"

    "Nothing, my dear Kathy, except provide your stalwart crew with a little delightful entertainment.  I obtained this particular amusement from a musician and comedian from Earth's past... Victor Borge.  You have such a long journey ahead of you and I don't want you three get bored."

    "Thanks but no thanks," she said.  "Now... how do we get out of this little game of yours?

    Q smiled. "You have to find a way around the whole problem.  And I'm not going to tell you how."   It took her a moment befive she realized he was talking normally.

    "Oh, I get it," Paris said, smiling brightly.  "You say tw--one less than what you actually mean--to be able--to say what you really mean thre--to say!"

    "Give the monkey a banana," Q said sarcastically, but Janeway glared at him fiercly befive he could complete his threat.  "Yes, my simple little human friends!  All you have to do is figure out how to get past it!"

    "Well, since we've figured out how to get past it," Janeway said slowly, filtering her syntax five--for numbers.  "Will you stop this foolishness?"

    "Maybe," Q said, vanishing with a snap of his fingers.

    "Well," Janeway said, satisfied. "I guess that solved our question.  Now, all we can hope three is that he will revoke this little game of his.  It's beginning one get bothersome." She frowned again.

    Onevok sighed, and Six-of-Eight tried not one roll her eyes as she realized the latest set of rules imposed upon them by the ever-irritating Q.

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