|This is a rant, probably not one you'll want to read. I don't usually get this angry, but I am rather upset and honestly, I have every right to be upset. This has a large part to with my life and how I was living it for the last year or so blinded by lies and a love for someone who has only love for himself and one other girl.
For about a year I have loved this guy in my life to no end, I supported him, trusted him, and I cared about him a lot. As friends, we got along well and after a year and a half of being his friend we became pretty close. Things were complicated more than not, things were untrue more than not, but yet somehow we both kept each other as friends. Until recently, when he decided that lying about his life was more important than trusting in a friend to support him and giving him the clarity he needed about his actions. Let's start with something else first though. See, over time I fell in love with this guy like I said above, and he knew that I liked him but he never knew I loved him. I kept my faith in him and trusted him to do the right thing when the time came. No, that's not falling for me because I knew how he felt towards me. I never wanted to ruing things he had, never wanted him to stop loving those he claimed he did, or break up his relationship with anyone. If I thought for one second that by telling him how I felt I would ruin his life, then I wouldn't have said anything. I didn't do anything wrong by telling him. All I need was to talk to Matt about how I felt, and possibly he could as a friend talk me through it because he's been there. He knew what it was like to love and not be able to have it work out; I guess I thought I could trust in him so I told him how I felt. He wasn't angry with me about it at all; I guess there were other things we talked about instead. Unfortunately, I apparently was the bad guy in the situation. According to him all I was is a back stabbing liar. let me get some things straight... now for some anger.
I wasn't lying to anyone but myself. Yes I do love Matt and I care about him and support him. I had to talk to Matt because he is lying to everyone else about his life. I have made some horrible choices in the last year and a half which I'm learning from, or rather was trying to learn from (now I really am). The last couple months have been insanely hard for me because I have been keepign you so close to my life and never would realize what was in front of me. My sister has been telling em to leave you alone, to walk away because all you do is feed off lies and I was becoming the same way. She saw me turning into someone she hated to be sisters with, and I didn't want to believe it. Then I wrote you an email, a very long email about what you consider the truths to each person in your life--towards Kristin, Tracy, Lizzie, me... everyone. You told me that you loved a girl and that you'd fix things. Tell her the truth. But you lied to me, comes really easy to you doesn't it? But I was foolish and I believed that you would change and really did love this girl. But you don't. You love yourself. Don't try to use me as your scapegoat and claim that I've done things I haven't. I don't want to talk to you; I thought I couldn't survive without you in my life--without you as a friend. But honestly, my life the last three days has only been hard because I finally see the reality of what I've done to my life, and know I have a lot to do to fix it, but other than that I am relieved you aren't part of my life.
Somethings I need to say. I can deal with you using me as a friend to tell things to, and I can deal with knowing you went to meet Lizzie when you weren't single. I could see past that, I could turn the other cheek to it. But no matter what, you cannot use Tracy as your scapegoat to Kristin. Tracy and I dont' have the best of friendship because of things that happened which you know about. But I can always trust in something about her always, and that's her strength in her faith, beliefs, and morals. You can't lie to someone and tell them you were dating Tracy this summer and tell them she is pregant with your child. That is just not something you do to anyone. And you claim you love Tracy. I know you do. She's the only girl you truly love in life. But to tell Kristin that she is having your child simply because she'd freak out on you if she knew the truth of the matter, that is atrocious. I won't sit back and just listen to Kristin talking about Tracy as if she is a slut who got herself knocked up and is using it to get you back. Tracy loves you, and you make her out to be something she is not. She is a good person, and doesn't deserve this from you.
You said to me on Tuesday night that you understood what I was saying and that you would try to do bettr and be faithful and honest. You should get a prize for how much you lie. Why didn't you just tell me that you thought I was back stabbing you? Why did you lie to me and let me explain that I supported you and would help you out anytime you needed it as a friend? Why do you cause so many people pain, and how in the world was I simply too blind to see it? I stood by you, I put myself through this manipulation and manipulated you right back. I am responsible for my actions, for covering your lies, and for becoming someone I don't even recognize. But everythign happens for a reason, and I finally am seeing why I stuck around so long. You will probably lead the life I laid out in that e-mail and you agreed with me in IM--alone and father to kid of a mother you never loved, and for that I am truly sorry because no matter what I will always love the person that I believed had the potential to be something great. Rant yourself if you want about what I did by talking to Kristin and whatever else; I know I made some really huge mistakes. But I have finally learned the lesson Matt, something I always believed you could do.