(Will I ever figure this out?)
|That's right! I'm home! Well, my new home. It feels SOOO good to be here. I feel productive and useful and diligent again! I can't believe how lazy and pointless I felt this summer. I didn't do much. I can't even bring myself to say it was a good learning experience. I have to admit though, it was good to make new friends. Kiwi and Strawberry, Dave, Gary, etc. I guess even Logan could sort of count. Do you count adopted kids as friends? Long story...don't ask. Well anyways it time for back to school. And back to dating. I did my summer break from boys. Sort of. But more so than here. Here it's just part of life. There you have to work at it. That makes it easier to take a break. So this has to be an actual rant huh? Very well. I have plenty of which to rant about I suppose. I mean I did have a baking session last night because of boys. So I suppose now is as good a time as any. I'm not in a huge "Boys are dumb" mood, but I am contemplating on the topic. So here goes.
Basically this summer, I had two guy "interests." Nothing was ever official with either, and neither lasted very long due to one or both of us moving away. Still friends with both, and I don't expect anything more than that. I actualy hope it just stays at that. Long distance relationships suck. They never work. I seem to be good at having lots of guy friends and no boy friends. Right now though, that's how I want it. Just friends. I have come to terms with my life right now (meaning I know I'm doing the right thing, so I'm not going to stress it), but part of those terms include no getting into serious relationships. This is probably good protection. I have only been back a week and already I'm having guy troubles. Let's face it. If I can write 6 rants about boys, basically I'm boy crazy. No if's, and's, or but's. I need a solution of some sort to this dilemma. I like dating. I like the physical aspect. And I like having guys as friends (and even boyfriends). Perhaps I just like them all too much. I need to step back from that. Why you ask? It's not really affecting my school work. I don't usually let it. It's just the whole future issue. I have to be really careful about the guys I get more serious with than like one or two dates. My plans (well Heavenly Father's plans that I'm just going to trust in him about) aren't appearing to include a boy any time soon. I have no problem with this, mostly because I'd hate to get married so young. I almost did once and that was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY stupid. I've grown a lot since then. I can't even believe I did that now. It doesn't seem like a me thing to do. Then again, I've been through a lot in the past year and a half or so. But I'm wandering from the main point. Basically I need to stop worrying about boys period. I have no need or reason to. Except for being lonely sometimes, I have no desire to be in a serious relationship. I still believe dating is fun, and it helps me grow as a person. Mostly I do it so I can trust people again. That's still a big issue with me. I have to force myself to trust people. It doesn't always work. In the back of my mind I still wonder what they're real motives are. I used to think people were good. And I know they are all inherently good, but a part of me now begins to wonder. Almost entirely when it involves boys (especially if they appear to like me). They can't have good intentions. No way. Of course, they usually do. It's just hard to convince myself of that. I don't know why. But I really do want to trust people again. I feel like I'm not fully giving my efforts to any of my relationships because I'm afraid of being hurt again. This is another reason I don't want a serious relationship right now. So basically I need to get over boys because they are just trouble. I should adopt Andy and Bing Bing's policy of no dating. They say no more than three dates. I'm thinking I might have to take it to no dates period. Problem is I don't like to say no to guys. It's hard enough working up the nerve to ask a girl out. I don't want to reject them. At least not the first time. So maybe no second dates, no asking guys out, and no flirting. None. Forbidden! This is a hard one for me, because it's what I do. I flirt. But it's going to have to stop. I'm really just leading guys on so to speak. And it's not healthy for me to desire a relationship that I KNOW better than to start. I need to find another way to deal with my loneliness and desire for affection. The affection and physical needs I think are just hormones. This means I can overcome them with effort. The loneliness is a side-effect of my Mom's death and losing my closest friends for a while. I am not alone, but I think I should start making friends with girls instead of boys. This would probably help. Maybe Andy would like to hang out sometimes. Or I could meet new people. Just not as many boys. My life neesd more balance. I need to actually start liking Relief Society. Wow. This is getting long. Okay so I ranted, found a solution, and now I just need to wrap things up. Well in short: I'm not perfect. There. Now I can be done. Well then, until the next rant!