|Post-Traumatic Stress Disordered Life|
|I really like this background. And this pic in general. I was going to use it as an incentive, but I changed my mind. It's just...perfect. I have no idea who the guy is or if that's even me, but it fits how I feel. How I want to rant. She just looks so distant. He's there, in the hug, but she's not. Her mind is elsewhere. Her focus is on some troubling matter. She has a sort of disheveled look that suggests that she's been through a lot. And though her eyes may be hard to see, there is a lot in them. This picture just has so much meaning...to me at least. I think it's one of my favorite pieces. And it was just a sketch I did one night. So...I suppose I should analyze/rant about why this picture is perfect for right now...Just for you clueless people who can't tell by just looking at it. If you want to just look at, then I'll put a link to the pic at the bottom of this page. That way you can see it without words in front of it. I almost think you should do that instead of reading this. BUT! If you aren't an art critic, then keep reading...(Big space so you can see her eyes.)
I'm wish I had a friend I could hug like this, but that's not what I want to rant about. It's more the general feel of this picture. I feel like I'm surrounded by loved ones. People who care and wrap their arms around me in hugs. (Usually online, but hugs just the same.) The hugs are more symbollic I suppose. They are just expressions of love and protection from others. It's that feeling of warmth and comfort hugs provide that is represented by the boy. The girl isn't necessarily me, but she does represent me. It's the whole feeling of distance and sorrow in her face. She's not crying or overly depressed. It's just a distant sadness in her eyes that grabs at your heart. She has had a lot of trouble in her life, and it has just left her feeling separate from the world and alone. Despite the warm embrace she's in, her heart is full of pain. I think often times I can be that way. Surrounded by loved ones who care and want to help all they can, but still feeling distant and alone. (FRAGMENTS: WARNING THIS ENTIRE RANT SEEMS TO BE FULL OF FRAGMENTS! THIS IS AN ARTISTIC EXPRESSION! DEAL!) I know the pills are supposed to help me feel better. The pills and therapy are intended to provide help. The doctor seemed to describe my situation very well.
"You've prayed for help?"
"And did you get it?"
"Wel...there's always someone who comes to comfort me when I feel alone. He takes care of me."
"But do you get what you wanted? Does the problem ever really go away?"
We discussed a lot more than this, but I think this part of the conversation felt important. I didn't want to admit at first I wasn't getting the help I wanted. I would get comfort when I needed it, but the pain would stay in my mind. The loneliness would remain. I suppose I should explain further why I agreed to the pills and therapy and didn't just expect Heavenly Father to provide ALL the help I needed.
"It's a disease. Just like diabetes. So if you had gotten the help you wanted, it would have been a miracle."
That's what he said. And it made sense.
"Why does Heavenly Father allow people to have diseases?"
"For our experience."
"Right. And if He fixed it right away, you wouldn't get the experience you needed..."
He went on, but I think you all get the gist. I have felt alone and distant. I've felt like the help I wanted just wasn't coming. Now perhaps I can find it. Heavenly Father often makes us work a little bit to get what we need. What I need is healing, because I am sick. It is a disease. A mental disease, but a disease just the same. So I'm going to pursue treatment, and pray these pills help. The therapy is supposed to work towards getting me off of the pills. That's what I want. To have my mind function "normally" rather than being "sick." I don't want to feel so lonely when I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me. It's that feeling of being lost and alone while help is just out of reach that I'm tired of dealing with. I hope the people who read this don't take this as lightly as I make it seem on the outside. I'm sick. And that's kind of scary. I know, I know. It's better to know what's wrong and that it's fixable. But I'd still rather nothing be wrong at all. But I guess we don't always get what we want. In the end though, we get what we need, right? I hope so. Because I need help....