|Dedicated in Loving Memory to my Mom|
|Well, I had to do it. A rant about my mother was inevitable, but not so ranty as it is relief of feelings inside. I'm not sure I need it as much right now as I did when I decided to write it. Why is that you ask? I dunno. I haven't cried about it in a while? I probably will again soon. I do miss her a lot. I think the reason is I kind of found person to talk to without really doing it for my own reasons. What do I mean? Well I'll tell you. If you don't know about the "Mormons" then I best explain what Relief Society is first. We have three hours of church. The first is the main meeting with Sacrament and talks. The second is sunday school with a lesson. The third hour everyone divides up into groups. Children go to primary, youth go to the youth groups called Young Women's or Young Men's depending on your gender. And the men go to priesthood. Now the women who are over 18 go to Relief Society. It was originally started as a service organization, but they have a lesson and activities, etc. The activities aren't usually on Sunday though. But anyways. My Relief Society president's best friend lost her father very suddenly. The situation is complicated and I won't go into details because of privacy issues. I have no right to talk about it here. But what I can say is my Relief Society President (Melissa) wasn't sure how to help her friend. So I volunteered I guess, to talk to her about what has worked for me and how people can help the most. In our family we just don't talk about stuff like that. But in my mind I convinced myself it was for Melissa's sake (and her friend's), which made it okay to talk about. She really did seem to understand, or at least try to, what I was saying. Not so much how I was feeling because she just can't, but at least what I was saying she seemed to understand. So that was good. And it really helped me more than I think it will help her. I mean I'm sure it can help at least a little, but I almost feel selfish. I guess as she said "you can be selfish." At least in this instance. Besides, it was supposed to be to help her, even if it ended up helping me out. Which might be what her intention was in asking me for my advice on how to help her friend. Kill two birds with one stone right? Random shift on the same topic: Heavenly Father really has been looking out for me lately. He sends me someone whenever I need a hug. Usually when I'm home alone it's the worst, so at the times when I'm crying it's usually when someone will come home and cheer me up. Not to mention in my religion class we were supposed to read half of the Book of Mormon in two weeks. I got a little extra time because of the funeral, but in general it was more studying than I usually do. What this ending up doing is helping to inspire me to be a better person, to serve others more, and to see the love Heavenly Father has for me. I feel so blessed right now. Not a usual thing for someone in mourning to say, but as I said earlier I'm not so sure I need this as much as I needed it before. I feel unusually motivated to become closer to Him. I find myself singing hymns as I walk, finding new ways to serve, and in general trying to be a little better. My sins that I'm having a problem with I'm seeing in a new light. I don't have to tackle the hardest ones first. Just start with small things and work to be a little better everyday. Not a big better. Just a little one. :D Anywho, basically I have times when I miss her more than usual and I might end up crying. But I think crying is a good expression of grief and inward sadness. I get it out and I have every right to cry and I should cry. It's a hard thing I'm dealing with, but I am dealing and I can't quite explain how marvelous the feelings I have inside are at times. I feel truly loved and like I really, really want to be a better person for Heavenly Father and for my mom. She wrote this journal for each of us children as we grew up. It has stories and her motherly worries and much more. But I like reading it, because it feels like she's still talking to me. Giving me advice. And sending her love. Sometimes I talk to her aloud. And I know she can hear, so it helps. That's another thing that makes me want to be better. Iknow she is watching what I do, and I want her not to be ashamed of her daughter. Her approval was always important to me. This thought also made me realize I should worry about what God thinks the same way. He is watching me closely because he loves me. So I think I have been doing better. I'm happier at least. My prayers are more full of gratitude and more fufilling to say. I like praying. I pray at random times now. Short prayers mind you, but it's cool to talk to Heavenly Father and my mother. Anywho, the whole point of this was to express my gratitude, let you all know I'm doing alright, and send my love to everyone. You guys ROCK! ^_~ I love you all. Thank you for your love and your kindness! It is very much and in all actuality appreciated. Do me a favor though. If you want to help me out then I have one thing to ask: do a gift of service for someone at least once a week. Just a little thing. Anything at all. Once a week. Easy right? And it will help me. My mom always taught me the importance of serving others. So if you do this for me, then you will help her legacy to live on. So do this for me, serve someone else.
Trace La Mace