Dear Nicky C,

I am a tenth grader in high school and have never asked a girl out.  There is this one girl in my biology class that I have had a crush on since like eighth grade.  But she doesn't know that I like her.  I desperately want to ask her out, like to a movie or something.  How can I ask her out?

Love Sick in High School
Dear Love Sick,

I totally know how your feeling man.  Everybody goes through this in high school.  Asking someone out is really a difficult thing to do.  But don't worry!!!  I know how to find the key to her heart!!!!!

Well, the first thing you shouldn't do is just straight out and ask her for a date.  No woman wants to go out with a guy that seems desperate or seems undesirable.  No.  First you have to give the illusion that you are a very desired man.
In high school, I use to use this trick to make people think girls had a crush on me.  I would write "Nick is cute" on desks in a bunch of class rooms.  This gave people the illusion that a bunch of people had a crush on me in school.  Pretty soon people would start approaching me saying "Aww Nick, some girl has a crush on you.  In my English class, someone wrote Nick is cute on my desk."  Once a girl actually caught me writing "Nick is cute" on my desk in Math class.  I was embarrassed at first, but she thought it was really funny.  She actually agreed to write "Nick is hot" in the girls bathroom!!!!!
Only once did my plan backfire.  Once, some girl wrote under "Nick is cute," on my desk in English class.  She wrote, "No!!  Todd is way hotter!!!  He is absolutely adorable!!!!!"  This clearly made me look very bad.  Of course Todd was hotter.  He had a bunch of girlfriends in high school while I didn't have any.  I couldn't let "Todd is hotter" stay right next to "Nick is cute," however.  People would actually start to believe it and that would make me look bad in front of the ladies.  So I wrote back, "No way Todd is hotter.  Todd is a moron and on top of that, he smells."  Sorry Todd.

Well this girl just wouldn't let the subject go.  She wrote back, "Are you kidding me???  Todd is totally hot!  Nick is a total dork."  Needless to say that got around pretty quickly and I was pretty embarrassed.
For some reason, fans of my web site keep writing me letters for advice.  Here is one I got a few weeks ago.
Well anyway, try not to get into any exchanges like that.  After you write that you are cute on a bunch of desks, let the word spread around.  Believe me, it will get to the object of your affection.  That is when you pop the question.  Of course I wouldn't actually ask her verbally.  That is way too difficult. 

Instead you should try something that a friend of mine tried once.  Proclaim your love on a web page.  Geocities has free webpages.  Sign up for a page, scan a bunch of pictures of yourself, maybe some in your underwear or of some of you flexing your muscles, and put them on the web site.  Under the pictures, write that you are totally in love with this girl and you desperately want to go to a movie with her.  During class, give her the web address and tell her it is a site she totally has to see.  Believe me, this is a fool proof plan. 

Nicky C
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