How Do I

Spoilers: Adrift, Lifelines, and everything else up to last nights cliffhanger. This is a continuance of the final scene at the dinner.

How Do I

I know they were staring at me when I ran out of the room, but I needed some space. Oh lord how am I going to make it. Why Harm, why?

I stare out the window at the rain as it falls hard against the panes. Is this how it is out there where Harm is? Is he alive? Oh, please be alive Harm. I don’t know if I could handle losing you.

Damn you Harm, why couldn’t you see my point of view the other day and put this off. I needed you here by my side. By my side. That’s where you wanted to be when you told me that if your presence was so important then I needed to reconsider whom I was marrying. Oh, Harm, if you only knew how many times since my engagement party I have weighed that question in my mind.

Why didn’t I wish you good luck when you asked me to also? I know why. You hurt me so much by placing you precious tomcat before me. But what was it that Harriet said earlier today? Flying comes first for you, try not to take it personally. Hell I did more than that I shoved how I disapproved of it back in your face. The hurt on your face when I failed to say those two words will haunt me if you don’t make it back. Good Luck.

Harm if you're out there, you are not alone. I love you Sailor, come back to me.

"You okay?" comes from behind her.

Oh, God. Here he comes. Mic is the last thing I need right now. All I want to do is run, run away from the pain that is tearing my heart apart. Oh, Harm. "I'm fine Mic, I just need some time alone." So please just leave me that way.

"Look, if they found Skates, they'll find Harm. Come on back out Sarah, you should be with those that love and support you."

I can hear him coming closer to me, why didn’t he just leave.

"Sarah?" He asks as he turned me around.

How do I hide my feelings now? I can see it come across his face as he reads mine. He sees the tears that I am crying for you, he knows how much I care for you.

I watch the emotions run across his face, "Sarah? Are you okay?"

"I didn’t tell him good luck Mic, he asked me too and I didn’t."

"Sarah, it's not your fault that he decided to go out there for his quals. If anyone is to blame, it's him. And besides, as a pilot he knew what the weather was going to be like."

A venom that I have been holding a bay rushes through me, "Don’t you ever put Harm down, Mic. He is my best friend. My best. You understand that. He has always been there for me, in everything that I have done. That’s why he was coming back because he knew I was mad at him. He loves me, Mic."

Mic's hand drops from my shoulder as my tirade ends, my hand which has been wiping away tears covers my mouth at my last statement. I realize myself that I had been fighting those emotions since Harm opened up to me as much as Harm would ever open up at my engagement party. Then with his last statement to me about who I am marrying hasn’t stopped playing through my mind.

"Do you love him too Sarah?"

I turn away from him to face back out the window, the rain seems to be coming down harder. "Yes." I whisper. It is the first time in a long time that I have let my heart feel that emotion.

I can sense the betrayal in Mic as he walks a few steps away. "Damn it. Renee was right."

"Excuse me?"

With a angry smug voice Mic answers me, "After a while when you and Rabb would go out of town together and one of you would stand one of us up, we would get together and wallow in misery together. But she kept asking me little things about your relationship with him. I would say I prefer not to know but I have always known." With a sick laugh he comes to stand beside me at the window. "You see I have known since my first day at JAG that Harm loved you and it was just a matter of time before you two connected, but when he denounced his feelings and hurt you." blowing out a breath, "I thought I had a chance. That you would let go of him and love me."

Those words again, how funny to hear them now and from someone else. I asked Harm for those words and I didn’t have the patience to wait where Mic did and has. He has been waiting for me to let go. Why didn’t I give Harm that chance, he wouldn’t be in danger right now, it would be our rehearsal dinner. No he would be on that carrier and we would be getting married next week after his quals because I would have know about them. Our wedding would have been planned around them.

"Mic, I care for you." It's all I can say. The rest would sound hollow.

His hands reach up to straighten his tie, "For right now I am going to call off the wedding, because of Harm. Whenever his fate is discovered, we will have a lot to talk about. I…," he stops and then heads to walk out of the room.

"Thanks Mic. I'm sorry."

He stops, bows his head and then continues on.

I watch him go and catch a glimpse of a figure in the darkness, Mic doesn’t see him, but I know that stance from anywhere, "Sir?"

"Mac," he starts and stops, "I am leaving at 0600 for Andrews. If they find him, they'll transport him there. Would you like to join me?"

"I'll be ready."

"Harriet has offered to keep Chloe tonight."

I nod and he leaves me alone to my thoughts. My thoughts of Harm, alone out there in the dark abyss, hoping that someone will find him, I hope that someone finds him. I need you Harm.

"You are not alone Harm. I love you. Please come back to me."

The end