SCENE: Dentist

MONA: How long till they're straight?

DENTIST: You'll have beautiful teeth by your 16th birthday.

MONA: Just in time for Junior Miss.

RECEPTIONIST: So how are you going to be paying for this?

MONA: Cash. Monthly.

She starts counting money out.

MONA: 30 ... 50 --

SCENE: Mona's house (Naperville, Illinois, 1986)

MONA'S MUM: Where you been?

MONA: Out.

MONA'S DAD: Answer your mother.

MONA: Out.

MONA'S DAD: Don't you be a smart-ass.

MONA'S MUM: Lurdy, she's my kid, not yours.

MONA'S DAD: As long as she's living under my roof, she ain't gonna talk to me that way.

MONA'S MUM: Your roof? You ain't got a roof. This is my roof.

Mona heads up to her room.

MONA'S MUM: Where are you going?

MONA: To work.

MONA'S MUM: You want some pizza?

MONA'S DAD: That's my pizza.

SCENE: Mona's room

Mona stands in front of the mirror.

MONA'S MUM: So do you want some pizza?

MONA: Knock first!

MONA'S MUM: Mona, don't aggravate me. I got a headache.

MONA: When the "do not enter" sign is up, you knock first.

MONA'S MUM: Do you want something to eat or not?

MONA: I want you to knock first.

Mona's mother closes the door and knocks.

MONA'S MUM: Can I come in?

Mona doesn't answer. Mona's mother leaves.

MONA: Hi! My name is Ramona -- Hello. My name is Ramona Hibbard, but my --

SCENE: On someone's porch

Mona is trying to rake up enough money to enter beauty pageants by setting up her own delivery business.

MONA: Hello. My name is Ramona Hibbard, but my friends call me Mona. I'm the owner of MND. Mona's Neighbourhood Deliveries. I have a variety of household items you may need ... but don't have enough time to go all the way to the store and buy. In laundry detergent, I can offer you Fab or Tide. Here's my card. Here's my card. Here's my card.

SCENE: Store

SHOPKEEPER: You want a 5% discount now?

MONA: No. Gerald over at Piggly-Wiggly told me he'd give me a 5% discount. It's 10 to you.

SHOPKEEPER: I can't do that.

MONA: Nice doing business with you.

SHOPKEEPER: Hold on. Wait a minute.

Mona is making her delivery.

MONA: All right. There you are.

LADY: There you go.

She hands Mona some money. Mona stares down at it.

MONA: Thanks.

The lady feels sorry for Mona and gives her some more money.

MONA: Why, how generous ... and completely unexpected. Thank you, ma'am. I'll see you soon.

SCENE: Beauty Pageant

ANNOUNCER: And the winner of the Little Miss Starlet fashion model contest 12 to 14 age division is ... Autumn Meadowbrook! And that concludes the fourth annual Verna Chickles Little Miss Starlet Fashion Model Contest. I want to thank you all for coming today and thank you for being so beautiful!

Mona is waiting for her mother to arrive.

MONA: Where have you been?

MONA'S MUM: I was feeling a little sick, so I went and got myself a drink. Let's go.

MONA: Look what I won, Mama. Look what I won.

Mona holds out the Participant medal.

MONA'S MUM: You won? "Participant"? You didn't win. You bought this with whatever you paid to get in this thing. What did you pay?

MONA: $135 registration fee.

MONA'S MUM: $135 for that. Come on. Get your bags. Let's go. Come on. Don't ask me to drive you to any more of these things.

MONA: I'll pay for the gas!

MONA'S MUM: I don't need you to pay for my gas.

MONA: I don't need you either! I can ride my bike!

MONA'S MUM: You're aggravating me, and I got a headache. Let's get out of here. Hurry up. Go on. Go on.

SCENE: Mona's room (night)

Mona is in bed asleep. Her dad walks in. Mona blows the whistle around her neck.

MONA'S DAD: Wait! Shit!

Mona runs into her mother's room.

MONA'S DAD: Wait! Wait!

MONA: All right! Listen to me!

MONA'S DAD: I was in the wrong room!

MONA: If he tries that bullshit again, I'll kill him! And I'll turn you in for not protecting me! I'll go live with a foster family while you rot in jail! Got that?!

MONA'S DAD: Nedra, don't believe the brat. I went into the wrong room. I was looking for the bathroom. She's a lying brat.

Mona pushes past him and walks out of the room.

ANNOUNCER V.O: Mona Hibbard, Miss Ilinois is your new Miss American Miss!

SCENE: Office

WOMAN: Mona, honey, I don't know why you haven't won any pageants.

MONA: It's not just that I haven't won. After 18 pageants, I haven't even made it into the top 20. It's the wardrobe, isn't it?

WOMAN: I'm gonna tell you a little secret. I have started a modelling academy for the most promising young ladies. A little basic training, and you will be winning pageants in no time. How would you like to pay for that?

MONA: Cash. Monthly.

WOMAN: And it's Hibbitt.

MONA: Hibbard.

WOMAN: Mona?

MONA: Mona, yes.

WOMAN: Of course.

SCENE: Modelling Class

WOMAN: Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist. Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist. Very good, very good. All right. Now, ladies, let's move on. Today I'd like to introduce you to the step, pivot, turn around, head snap. All right. Now, watch me very carefully.

She demonstrates the movement.

WOMAN: All right, now, one little step. Eye contact, eye contact. Turn your body slowly. At the last moment, snap! Now, remember that, ladies. All right, your turn. One little step forward ... keeping your eyes on your audience. Turn your body slowly. Very good. Eye contact here. All right, now, then snap! Very good. Let's try it moving. If your eyes are not on them, their eyes will not be on you.

A girl bumps into Mona.

GIRL: Move over, Scumona.

Mona deliberately knocks into the other girl as she's walking.

MONA: Sorry.

WOMAN: Sweet Jesus.

SCENE: School class

TEACHER: It's in the details where we see true craftsmanship. Thank you, dear. The school assembly has been cancelled.

Mona looks over at Ruby who is hard at work.

RUBY: We're going to have to share our pinking shears.

SCENE: Lunchtime

Mona sees some boys who are not letting Ruby sit down.

BOYS: Don't sit here. (teasing one of the other boys) Go sit with your girlfriend and get cooties. Go sit by your girlfriend!

Mona walks up to them.

BOYS: I'm not going to let her sit here! Girl! You're a girl!

Mona spills her drink over two of the boys wrestling on the ground.

BOY: That's cold!

BOY: Oh, man!

MONA: Damn. You guys made me spill my lemonade.

TEACHER: Jason, Eric, Richard, you've got cleanup! Get over here!

BOY: We didn't do it!

TEACHER: I don't want to hear it! Inside now. Go, go, go.

Mona and Ruby sit down at the now vacated table.

MONA: I hate lunch.

She pushes her tray away.

RUBY: Me, too.

MONA: I'm in your home ec class. I'm Mona.

RUBY: Ruby.

MONA: Where'd you learn to sew so good?

RUBY: My grandma. I don't have a lemonade to give you, but do you want my orange?

MONA: I'm on a diet.

RUBY: Well, whatever I've got, it's yours.

Mona smiles.

SCENE: Beauty pageant

ANNOUNCER: And the winner for the most unique pageant outfit ... 12 to 14 division ... Mona Hibbard!

RUBY: Yes!

Mona collects her prize and waves to Ruby in the audience.

SCENE: Ruby's house

RUBY: Grandma! Grandma, we won! Grandma!

RUBY'S GRAN: Hello, sweetheart.

RUBY: I can't believe it! We won!

RUBY'S GRAN: Did you now?

RUBY: Yeah. I'll take your bag in.

RUBY'S GRAN: (to Mona) Come on in.

MONA: Hello, Mrs Stillwell.

They go inside.

MONA: I'm just as pretty and talented as the girls who win. The problem is my outfits.

RUBY'S GRAN: So you won. Isn't that nice?

MONA: The title, no.

RUBY: My outfit won, Grandma!

MONA: Yes, but I was wearing it.

RUBY'S GRAN: Isn't that nice?

MONA: I can pay you $25 for each dress.

RUBY'S GRAN: Oh, my. Look at you.

MONA: I can also get you certain supermarket clearance items.

RUBY'S GRAN: You just worry about paying for the fabric.

MONA: How come you're being so nice to me? You hardly know me.

RUBY'S GRAN: Must be your looks. It's hard to say no to someone as beautiful as you. (To Ruby) You go wash up for dinner.

Mona smiles.

SCENE: Outside

MONA: How much time do we have?

RUBY: The show starts in 20 minutes. I wish we could watch it at my place.

MONA: But you don't have a TV.

RUBY: I know.

MONA: Come on. It'll be fine. Where do we stop next?

RUBY: The Millers, then the Stewarts. Then the fashion complex.

MONA: They're just two seconds from my house.

RUBY: Just two seconds. All right.

MONA: The Miss American Miss contest is not gonna start without me!

SCENE: Mona's house

MONA: Come on, Ruby. Come on.

RUBY: Mona?

MONA: Come on. It's okay.

MONA'S MUM: All I'm saying is you got to get out of that chair and find a job.

MONA'S DAD: I'm working on this here motor!

RUBY: What smells?

MONA: What doesn't?

MONA'S MUM: You've been working on that thing for two years!

MONA'S DAD: I'd be done if you'd stay off my ass!

Mona and Ruby run up to Mona's room.

MONA: Get the money box.

RUBY: Hold on. Wait! Wow, you've got a lot.

MONA: Yeah, I know. We're gonna need it. OK, I've got my booklets. I've got the clippings. Come on, let's go. Hurry up, what are you doing? We're gonna miss the opening.

RUBY: Okay, let's go.

They go back to the lounge room. The contest has just started. Ruby and Mona sit down.

MONA'S MUM: Where are my cigarettes?

RUBY: Here, I made these for us.

She hands Mona a paper crown.

MONA: Thanks.

They both put them on.

MONA'S MUM: Where are my damn smokes? I just bought a pack of smokes. Damn it!

MONA'S DAD: I cannot watch this beauty crap. I do not know where your damn cigarettes are.

He gets up and leaves. Mona turns the volume up and starts taking notes as they introduce the contestants.

MONA'S DAD: Would you turn that down?

THE END