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WOMEN'S ENGLISH
> Yes = No
> No = Yes
> Maybe = No
> I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
> We need = I want
> It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
> Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
> We need to talk = I need to complain
> Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
> I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
> You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot?
> This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
> I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
> Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
> I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
> Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
> How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like
> I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on TV
> You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
> Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
> Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
he
> goes to sleep
> I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
> The same old thing = Nothing
> Nothing = Everything
MEN'S ENGLISH
> I'm hungry = I'm hungry
> I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
> I'm tired = I'm tired
> What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out
of this
> What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
> Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
> Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that
much
> different!
> Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person
> Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with
> other guys
> (while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress
and let's
> go home!
> I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay
>
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Duh . . . .!
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and
had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant
commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've
come to install the phone!"
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Ferrari
>> A guy goes out and buys Ferrari GTO. It's the most
> >> expensive car in the world. He takes it for a spin and
> >> while stopped for a red light, an old man on a moped
> >> pulls up next to him. "What kind of car ya got there,
> >> sonny?"
> >> "Ferrari GTO--costs a half million."
> >>
> >> "Damn. How come so much?"
> >>
> >> "This baby can do 190 miles an hour!"
> >>
> >> "Can I look inside?"
> >>
> >> "Sure!"
> >>
> >> So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
> >> around. "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
> >>
> >> Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show
> >> the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within
> >> 30 seconds the speedometer reads 190. Suddenly, he
> >> notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be
> >> getting closer! He slows down and whhhoooossshhh,
> >> something whips by him going much faster. Then, ahead
> >> of him he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooosh, it
> >> goes by again, heading the opposite direction "No way!
> >> It can't be the old man!" Again he sees a dot in his rear
> >> view mirror. Whooooosh!! It slams into the back of his
> >> car. The guy jumps out and it really is the old man! The
> >> guy runs over to the old man and says, "You're badly
> >> hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
> >>
> >> The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my
> >> suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
> >>
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You might be addicted to irc if....
10. Your service provider calls *you* for tech
support.
9. Someone at work tells you a joke, and you say
"LOL!"
8. You have ever had a dream about the people in your
channels.
7. You have to scroll through your popup menu.
6. You watch TV. with closed captioning turned on.
5. Your friend Tom tells you something sad on the
phone and you say "Awwww, me hugs Tom."
4. You've called out someone else's nick while making
love to your husband.
3. You keep begging your friend's to get an internet
account so "we can hang out."
2. Three words: carpal tunnel syndrome.
1. You laughed at this list.
You might be addicted to the internet if....
...you want to meet a girl and your first impulse is
to turn on your computer.
...you once devoted a weekend to "working on your
popups."
...you sometimes go to #egypt "just to get away from
it all."
...you come home from class, look at your roomates,
and say "ib."
...you wait for your roomates to say "re."
...you come home from class, look at your roomates,
and say "ib."
...you wait for your roomates to say "re."
...you make it a point to change your ping reply and
quit message daily.
...you have over 2 megs of .wav files on your mirc
directory.
...you have to get a second phone line just so you can
call Domino's.
...your child ignores your request and you wonder if
she is lagged.
...your child ignores your request and you wonder if
she is lagged.
...your child ignores your request and you wonder if
she is lagged.
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You Know Your Addicted the Internet When...
You refuse to go on a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
Your bookmark takes fifteen minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call
200 hours per month "unlimited."
Your phone bill comes to your door in a box.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
The last girl/guy you picked up was only a jpeg.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)
Your eyeglasses have a website burned in on them.
You don't know the sex of your closest friends because they all have
neutral nicknames.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved.
You kiss your girlfriend's home page instead of her.
You tell the cab driver you live at
"http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html"
You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
You wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on
the way back to bed.
You check your e-mail. It says no new messages, so you check it again.
Your fantasy dreams at night are in HTML.
And the number 1 reason you know your addicted the Internet when ... You
get a tatoo that says, "This body is best viewed with Netscape 2.0 or
higher."
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MARRIAGE HUMOR
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow
has,
you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I
am,
I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree
and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives
and the wife takes.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a
ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,
the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they
both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear,
but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the
friend. The woman replied, " A multimillionaire".
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