IF ANYTHING CAN GO WRONG, IT WILL

1. Murphy's Laws
2. Murphy's Law Proven with Quantum Mechanics
3. Murphy's Military Laws
4. Murphy's Laws of Combat
5. Murphy's Technology Laws
6. Murphy's Love Laws
7. Murphy's Laws of Sex
8. Murphy's Computers Laws
9. Murphy's Corollaries
10. Murphy's Faux Pas
11. Murphy's Food Laws
12. Murphy's Laws on Vending Machines

Other Laws

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MURPHY'S LAWS

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1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
2. Everything takes longer than you think.
3. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
4. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
   Corollary:
   If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
5. If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
6. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
7. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
8. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
10. Mother nature is a bitch.
11. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
12. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
13. Every solution breeds new problems.

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• Murphy's Law of Research
  

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

• Murphy's Law of Copiers
  

The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

• Murphy's Law of the Open Road:
  

When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that:

(1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and

(2) they will always meet at the bridge.

• Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics
  

Things get worse under pressure.

• The Murphy Philosophy
  

Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws:

Everything goes wrong all at once.

• Murphy's Constant
  

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

• Murphy's Corollaries
  

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Law of the Perversity of Nature (Mrs. Murphy's Corollary):

You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

• Corollary (Jenning):
  

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

• Hill's Commentaries on Murphy's Laws:
  

If we lose much by having things go wrong, take all possible care.

If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.

If we have everything to gain by change, relax.

If it doesn't matter, it does not matter.

• O'Toole's Commentary
  

Murphy was an optimist.

• NBC's Addendum to Murphy's Law
  

You never run out of things that can go wrong.

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News From the Physics Frontier:
Murphy's Law Proven with Quantum Mechanics

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In a startling new development in the field of physics, U.C. Berkeley professor Erwin Brodinger claims to have proven the validity of Murphy's Law-- the "law" which states that anything that can go wrong will do so, and at the worst possible moment--with quantum mechanics.

"I won't go into the details," said Brodinger, "because it'd take you 50 years to understand them (if you're lucky). Suffice it to say that computer simulation has shown that, given the universe's most probable configuration, the quantum mechanical state corresponding to an intelligent being saying 'Holy shit! I'm FUCKED!' in its native language happens to be an extremely likely one. This is just one of several theoretical predictions I've worked out which show the vailidity of Murphy's Law."

Perhaps the most significant of these other predictions is what has become known the the physics community as the paradox of Brodinger's Dog.

"Basically, the idea behind Brodinger's Dog is that when a poodle takes a dump, the resulting doodie isn't really here, there, or anywhere in particular. It's in a quantum-mechanical superposition of locations, smeared out exponentially over a 10-foot or so radius--until, that is, an observer steps into the general vicinity. Then, and only then, does it decide where it really is. As it turns out, unfortunately, 97.4% of the time it decides it's right under the observer's foot."

Does this only hold for poodles?

"Well, while doing the calculations, I made a minor simplification: in the models I used, the dog was assumed to be about half the size of an atomic nucleus. While I'm positive this assumption wouldn't prevent my results from applying to small dogs, I'm not sure about really big dogs, like, say, German Shepherds."

In collaboration with another Berkeley professor, Wiener Heifenburg, Brodinger also helped to formulate the Heifenberg Certainty Principle, which is stated as follows: the certainty that you are about to make an incredibly stupid and embarrassing mistake is directly proportional to the total importance of the people currently watching you.

Brodinger says his work was inspired by an instance last summer in which he was maimed by a pack of rabid platypuses marauding the south side of campus. "Right before a hot date I had that night, too," the professor sighed.

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Murphy's Military Laws

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1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
3. Friendly fire ain't.
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

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Murphy's Laws of Combat

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1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
   
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
   
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
   
4. There is always a way.
   
5. The easy way is always mined.
   
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
   
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
   
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
   

a. when you're ready for them.

b. when you're not ready for them.

• Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
  
• If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
  
• The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
  
• A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
  
• If your attack is going well, you've walked into an ambush.
  
• Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
  
• Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
  
• Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
  
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
  
• If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
  
• When you have secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
  
• Never forget that you weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
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  Murphy's Technology Laws

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  1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
  2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
  3. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
  4. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
  5. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
  6. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
  7. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
  8. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
  9. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
  10. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
  11. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
  12. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
  13. All's well that ends.
  14. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
  15. The first myth of management is that it exists.
  16. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
  17. New systems generate new problems.
  18. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
  19. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
  20. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
  21. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
  22. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
  23. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
  24. Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
  25. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
  26. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
  27. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
  28. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
  29. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
  30. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
  31. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
  32. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
  33. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
  34. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
  35. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
  36. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
  37. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
  38. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
  39. The only perfect science is hind-sight.
  40. Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
  41. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
  42. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  43. When all else fails, read the instructions.
  44. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
  45. Everything that goes up must come down.
  46. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
  47. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
  48. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
  49. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

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  Murphy's Love Laws

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  1. All the good ones are taken.
  2. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1).
  3. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
  4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
  5. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
  6. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
  7. The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
  8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
  9. Nice guys(girls) finish last.
  10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
  11. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

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  Murphy's Laws of Sex

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  1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
  2. Nothing improves with age.
  3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
  4. Sex has no calories.
  5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
  6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
  7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
  8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
  9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
  10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
  11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
  12. Virginity can be cured.
  13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
  14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
  15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
  16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
  17. It is always the wrong time of month.
  18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
  19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
  20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
  21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
  22. The younger the better.
  23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
  24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
  25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
  26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
  27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
  28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
  29. Love is a hole in the heart.
  30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
  31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
  32. Do it only with the best.
  33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
  34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
  35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
  36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
  38. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
  39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
  40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
  41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
  42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
  43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
  44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
  45. Never say no.
  46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
  47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
  48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
  49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
  50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
  51. Love comes in spurts.
  52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
  53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
  54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
  55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
  56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
  57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
  58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
  59. "This won't hurt, I promise.".

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  Murphy's Computers Laws

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  1. No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.
  2. Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.
  3. When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.
  4. Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.
  5. If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.
  6. If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.
  7. No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.
  8. All components become obsolete.
  9. The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.
  10. (Hofstatler's Law) Things always take twice as long as you anticipate, even if you take into account Hofstatler's Law. (This corollary is often elevated to the rank of a law. Since it is only a special case of Murphy's Law, though, it provides further justification for elevating Murphy's Law to a demi-law.)
  11. Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.

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  Murphy's Corollaries

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  1. Murphy's Law may be delayed or suspended for an indefinite period of time, provided that such delay or suspension will result in a greater catastrophe at a later date.
  2. The magnitude of the catastrophe is directly proportional to the number of people watching.
  3. The magnitude of the catastrophe is exponentially proportional to the importance of the occasion.
  4. If an outcome has a 50% chance of occurring, its actual probability of happening is inversely proportional to the desirability of the outcome.
  5. If two corollaries of Murphy's Law contradict each other, the one with greater potential for damage takes precedence.

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  Murphy's Faux Pas

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  1. The intensity of an itch is proportional to the formality of the occasion.
  2. Light clothing attracts dark-colored food spills; Dark clothing attracts light-colored food spills.
  3. The probability that you forget somebody's name is directly proportional to the degree to which they would feel insulted.
  4. Other people will not notice your subtle hints, no matter how hard you try.
  5. You will not notice other people's subtle hints, no matter how hard they try.

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Murphy's Food Laws

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1. Everything you like is bad for you.
2. If it isn't bad for you, it's too expensive.
3. If you can afford it, it's out of season.
4. You will realize it's back in season the day that the grocery store runs out.
5. Every recipe ever written includes one ingredient that you do not have in your kitchen. If you attempt to go buy this ingredient, you will realize you are missing another one.
6. Substitutions never taste right.
7. Ovens either overcook or undercook. They never get it just right.
8. Microwave ovens always overcook and undercook at the same time.
9. The grocery store always gets a fresh shipment immediately after you buy your food for the week.
10. You will always forget the most important item if you don't make a list.
11. If you do make a list, the store will be out of your most important item.
12. Every item in the store will be on sale, except the ones that you want.
13. Coupons always expire before you have a chance to use them.
14. The only person who ever gets to use coupons is the person in front of you in line.
15. The number of coupons of the person in front of you is directly proportional to how much of a hurry you're in.
16. No matter which checkout line you get in, it will always be the slowest one.
17. The "Fast lane" isn't.
18. Stores open 24-hours cannot close for their daily inventory update. Therefore, they just turn off the registers for ten minutes while they "download" the data. Invariably, they will plan this event to coincide with your arrival in the checkout line.

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Murphy's Laws on Vending Machines

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1. Vending machines only contain edible material when you are not hungry.
2. The person in front of you will always get the last one.
3. If the vending machine actually has what you want, it will cost more than the amount of change that you have.
4. Anything you purchase will get stuck and hang on the edge of the rack.
5. If you only have dollar bills, the vending machine will reject them.
6. There are only two times when vending machine operators appear: when you kick the machine in disgust, and when you try to shake the machine to make your stuck snack fall.
7. Vending machine operators will never have a sense of irony or humor.

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