Lost
in Love Aku seperti seekor
burung kenari, *I’m like a canary
lost in the wild, Keiko sighed softly as she read the verse that she held in her hands. There was a stinging sensation in her eyes but she quickly reached up to wipe away those tears. Is love really that painful? she asked herself softly. There were shockingly familiar words in the verse, as if the verse itself was pointing at her. The canary was like herself, searching for the truth, but when would the truth be visible to her? Like the canary, she had lost her path of life. Like the canary, she was still looking for her way back home. Her fingers were slightly trembling when she rolled the magazine up. It was a literature based magazine with original and translated works from all over the world. Keiko always loved looking at those works of humans deep in love, deep in hatred, or perhaps deep in pain. They were so realistic, in a way, that she would find it chillingly familiar. Perhaps all humans are the same. All humans are made of flesh and blood. Perhaps all humans would feel the same under an identical set of circumstances. What did she feel now? Her heart was just a swirling nebula filled with different sensations. Maybe pain? Grief? Loss? Love? Slowly, she unrolled the magazine again and looked at the verse. The author had left the verse unfinished and hanging there. What did she mean? Keiko looked at the name and the country of origin. Malaysia... she whispered softly. The verse was there, leaving readers wondering about the fate of the canary. Perhaps she was right. There was no ending to the canary’s search. Like herself. She couldn’t even define her target now. What was she actually searching for? Yusuke Urameshi, where are you? With a soft sigh, Keiko leaned back into her armchair. Closing her deep brown eyes, she began reminiscing all those years she spent with him. When was it she last saw him? Two years? Three years? It had been too long now. Simply too long. 14 years ago... She looked at him. He was just a kid, as was she herself. It was the first day of elementary school and the class was filled with loud sounds such as children crying and screaming voices. Most parents were saying goodbye to their children as they prepared to leave for work and little tear-streaked faces were everywhere. But he didn’t cry. Keiko looked at her mother who was smiling and laughing with her teacher. Well, she had her kaasan today, but what about that boy? He was alone, sitting there, brooding. There wasn’t anyone with him at the moment, there was just him. Keiko watched with interest as he took out his plastic pencil box and removed a stubby pencil from it. The girl gasped as the boy began drawing and scribbling on those boring wooden desks. Still awed at the boldness of the boy, Keiko stood up and left her place. She walked over to the corner where the boy was sitting and stood there, looking at those stick-people pictures he doodled. Slowly, he became aware that someone was watching him. He lifted up an eye and stared at her strangely. "What do you want?" he growled. Keiko simply shrugged and took her place next to him. "Nothing, I just want to see what you are drawing," answered the girl amusedly. He snorted and resumed drawing his fantastic pieces of art idly. "What is your name? My name is Keiko Yukimura," began Keiko. "Huh! Why should I tell you?" challenged the boy and stopped drawing. He turned around to face Keiko, eyeing her mysteriously. Keiko gritted her teeth and stood up to leave, plainly irritated by his rude attitude. "Alright, no need to get so angry, right? People call me Urameshi, but you can call me Yusuke if you like..." said the boy quickly and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked at her and gestured for her to sit down again. "Well... I don’t think it’s very nice to draw on things. Kaasan always tells me not to scribble on tables, chairs or walls," began Keiko slowly. "Where’s your kaasan? Why are you alone?" "Huh! Don’t talk about ofukuro. She is still drunk at home. She doesn’t care about me so why should I care about her? I’m happy here," snapped Yusuke angrily. "Yusuke-kun, it is not nice to say such things about your kaasan. Where is your tousan then?" asked Keiko. "I have no tousan, okay? I also have no friends so stop bothering me." Keiko kept quiet. No wonder the boy seemed so lonely and quiet. Perhaps there was a slight hint of anti-social behavior in him, but Keiko shrugged it off simply. "I’ll be your friend," pledged Keiko innocently, her brown eyes twinkling merrily. "If no-one is your friend, I’ll be your friend," continued the young girl. "Whatever," snorted Yusuke and resumed drawing on the desk. Keiko shook her head at
the boy. What a classmate to have! Four years ago... "Whew! That was close! Heh! Mr Tanaka’s expression was priceless when I told him that he looked like a frog with spectacles!" sighed Yusuke and leaned back on an old armchair lying in the secluded woodwork lab. Languidly, he placed his legs up on the teacher’s table. "Such a nice place, this area... No pesky teachers... Heck! This is even better than the city park where Keiko and I always have our picnics!" he complimented the lab a little with a laugh. He glanced around the closed space. Air ventilators were placed on top the windows and slender rays of sunshine poked through the spaces of the wire-net. The woodwork lab was located in a far corner of the school compound. During weekdays, it was usually full of students milling around, getting their wooden projects done. But then again, it was a Saturday evening. Even the sidewalks were deserted, so was the nearest block of the school building. Yusuke stifled a yawn and sighed contentedly to the quiet atmosphere. All the glass windows were tightly shut and only the ceiling fan was whirling slowly. "Yusuke, Mr Tanaka sent us here to complete our work, not to relax and fool around!" chided Keiko and closed the door shut. She walked over and sat down on a wooden chair just opposite from Yusuke. The boy ran his fingers through his slicked back hair and put his legs down on the floor. "Yeah, thanks to that Tanaka and I’m stuck here," grumbled Yusuke and leaned forward. "Well, I should be the one complaining, not you," answered Keiko, shifting the papers around. "You are the one who needs to have someone to guide you with your Chemistry project, not me. You are the one who is always irritating sensei until he sends you here, not me." "Yeah, yeah, I know Mr Tanaka sees me as an eyesore so much that he would gladly get rid of me by sending me here with you," grumbled Yusuke and rolled his eyes, but deep inside, he was secretly pleased with the teacher’s idea. "So? Is it so difficult to stay here and do your work?" shot back Keiko and motioned for Yusuke to sit next to her. The boy then grumbled something about stupid teachers and wheeled his movable armchair next to the girl. Yusuke yawned again. "Keiko, why must we go to school?" he asked idly as Keiko began punching her calculator based on the questions set in front of her. "Why? Simply because we will get a better living in the future," answered the girl simply and wrote the figure on the machine’s screen onto her answer sheet. "Heh! I wonder why ofukuro always gets enough money to send me to school," mused Yusuke. He took the mechanical pencil from Keiko’s hands and began scribbling on the table. "Better living? My mom doesn’t even work, for heaven’s sake! She is always drunk at home." "Yusuke, you never get rid of your old habits," sighed Keiko and tried to grab the pencil from the boy’s strong grip. "From the first day of elementary school, I have seen you drawing things on school’s property." "Yeah, so? It is not that Mr Tanaka will suddenly walk in and drag me to the headmaster’s office," shrugged off Yusuke and automatically stopped doodling. He smiled at Keiko and watched her reaction. Keiko shook her head and Yusuke studied her face. The soft whirl of the ceiling fan blew at strands of her hair and her fair complexion that complimented her dark eyes caught his attention. Why haven’t I noticed how cute and pretty Keiko actually is? It’s strange... I have faced or many enemies such as the Toguro brothers before yet I never felt my heart beating faster. Is it fear this time so is it something else? whispered Yusuke silently as he looked at the girl. She had changed so much physically over these years and she had a much fuller figure now but she still had that determined look on her face. Yusuke snickered and thought, Keiko ‘is’ a determined girl. "Why are you looking at me like that?" asked Keiko strangely and blinked once. "You are very pretty today," said Yusuke in a huff. Keiko rolled her eyes and dismissed it with a wave. "You are still bent on teasing me like that," retorted Keiko. "You know something, I have never kissed a girl before... Maybe because I don’t want to catch germs or other stupid diseases," laughed Yusuke and stared into her eyes playfully. Damn! Why am I telling her all this things?! Stop it, Urameshi! "Heh! You know pretty well no girls would want to kiss you," teased Keiko and placed the mechanical pencil on the table. "Have you kissed any boy before?" asked Yusuke innocently and leaned back on his armchair again, feeling his heart beating faster again. "Well, no..." voiced out Keiko slowly, a blush creeping steadily into her cheeks. She looked away but her intuition told her to return Yusuke’s stare. Slowly, she turned her head to look into Yusuke’s deep eyes. "What is the matter?" "I... er... I just want to know the sensation," whispered Yusuke in a near-inaudible tone. "Don’t get me wrong, Keiko, I just want to ask that question for fun." Yusuke nearly slapped himself for saying such a stupid thing, but he stopped himself to wait for Keiko’s answer. "Well, if you really want to try..." began Keiko slowly, her cheeks burning. "I..." "Really?" asked Yusuke gently. "Actually, it isn’t our first time... Remember when you kissed me to breathe life into me?" "That doesn’t really count," countered Keiko and looked down at her fidgeting fingers. "That was under extreme conditions..." "Thank you," said Yusuke and leaned forward. Keiko closed her eyes and waited. Gently, as if fearing to touch the girl, Yusuke kissed her cheek softly. "Is it just that? You have nice lips..." commented Keiko softly, a tinge of disappointment showing in her voice. Yusuke looked at her cheek quizzically, his eyes questioning her. "Then...?" Keiko drew closer. "Kiss me if you dare," she whispered and her cheeks flushed an even brighter shade of pink. Yusuke was stunned, but he proceeded to wrap his arms around her lithe body. Slowly, he moved his face closer to the girl’s. Keiko closed her eyes and waited. Yusuke edged closer, but he was afraid to go anymore. C’mon... Urameshi, what has gotten into you today? Because of your own big mouth you have asked Keiko about a kiss... Fine, if you don’t kiss her now, you are going to be out of her life forever! Yusuke scolded himself. Finally, he took a deep breath and moved forward until he was just inches away from her face. Tentatively, he pressed his lips onto her pink ones. Yusuke winced slightly when Keiko’s arms wrapped around his body. After years and years of getting involved in street fights, he couldn’t get past without such reaction at any touch. He savored the salty-sweet tang on her lips as their kiss went deeper and deeper. Carefully, he licked her teeth with his tongue, bringing another new sensation down his spine. Keiko shivered at the feeling of Yusuke’s tongue. It feels cold... whispered Keiko in her heart but she kept quiet as she pulled the boy closer to her. Gradually, the couple parted, slightly out of breath. "Thanks, Keiko," said Yusuke and a slight shade of red crept onto his cheeks. Keiko stood up and took Yusuke by his arms. "Thank you too, you are so nice to me," whispered Keiko and hugged him, his warm body now so close to hers. "Heh! I just wanted to know the feeling, so don’t get me wrong," laughed Yusuke but he still held Keiko’s body in his arms. "I want to feel it one more ti..." requested Keiko softly, her cheeks flaming as she tried to hide her face in Yusuke’s shoulder. Before she could finish the sentence, she found a pair of silky soft lips sealed over her own. Like a dream, they found themselves floating in and out of reality. Like vines, they entwined themselves with each other, sharing a simple kiss. So simple, yet so enchanting. Slowly, the couple parted, but Keiko still hugged the boy tightly. Yusuke placed a protective arm around her shoulders. "I know you will be mine one day. I know it... I don’t know what to say anymore..." stammered Yusuke, breathing in the sweet scent of her fine hair. "Yusuke, words are not important to us. You are important to me, that’s all," whispered Keiko, secretly smiling in her heart. Still so immature... Still so young... Yusuke, you never change. You never got used to saying such things. You are still the person I like and at least you are sincere to me. I trust you to like me too. "Ai... Aishiteru, Keiko," gushed out Yusuke, his voice trembling. Almost angrily, he shouted at himself mentally. What is wrong with you, Urameshi? You are nuts to say this to her! Just then, the door opened with a creak and the couple broke apart. A head poked in and Yusuke blinked at the human. It was Kazuma Kuwabara. Keiko was blushing fierily and she bent her head down at the sight of Yusuke’s best friend and enemy. Kuwabara scratched his head and stared at them. Urameshi was coughing and clearing his throat while pulling at his uniform collar. "Have the both of you finished your projects? Mr Tanaka asked me to check on you both," said Kuwabara and raised a quizzical eyebrow. Why is the hell Yusuke looking uncomfortable and that girl blushing bright red? Yes, of course! I know that Urameshi is always... thought Kuwabara craftily and touched his chin. "Er, no..." answered Keiko quickly and walked over to the desk again and picked up the pen. "Just a few more lines and we are done." "Alright then, Mr Tanaka said that the extra class will end in half an hour’s time and he wants you guys to go over there," informed Kuwabara. "For now, enjoy your time!" laughed Kuwabara evilly and went out, closing the door as he stepped out of the lab. "Stupid Kuwabara!" cursed Yusuke and glared daggers at the closed door. Just right on time to spoil the air around... "Yusuke, c’mon... We need to finish up the project," began Keiko weakly and smiled a little when Yusuke finally nodded. He heaved a big sigh and flopped down on his place. "Keiko, if I ever leave this place, will you follow me?" asked Yusuke suddenly, his face suddenly darkened. His eyes were shadowed with doubt and questions, making Keiko look up at him instantly. "If... Yes, I will," pledged Keiko with a smile. Yusuke smiled back at her and nodded once. "Thank you." That was four years ago, but it only seemed like yesterday. Yesterday was sweet, but today was bitter. Tomorrow? Keiko bit her lower lip, no-one knew what would happen tomorrow. Her fist clenched around the magazine tightly, wrinkling it. Yusuke’s last words were crystal clear on that fateful day. ["Keiko, I’m sorry."] That day was a sunny and bright noon, but she felt the total opposite. A tear rolled down her face slowly. Those words echoed and thundered in her ears endlessly. He was long gone, but his words remained. Keiko stood there numbly, unable to say anything. More tears followed but there was not a single sound from the girl. For her, she had lost the track of time. There was no more difference between a minute and an hour. To her, each was filled with pain and remorse. The sun was starting to set, but she was unable to move from her position, almost as if she was rooted there. She couldn’t believe it. Yusuke was gone, once again. He told her not to wait for him. Why? He refused to tell her the reason. What had he told her? Another teardrop rolled down her cheeks. He told her that they were not compatible with each other. He told her that he was not fit for her. He told her to find another man that would be able to love her truly and deeply. He told he wouldn’t be able to live anymore. "Yusuke Urameshi! How could you say this to me?!" screamed Keiko and buried her face in her palms, sobbing uncontrollably. How could he hurt her like this? She was lost like the canary, no path to follow, no way to go. Images of Yusuke’s expression that day flashed past her mind quickly. He was still smiling, but Keiko knew that smile too well. His was a fake smile, a smile full of gray emotions. Yusuke is hiding something, whispered Keiko deep in her heart. Until now, she was still thinking about Yusuke’s actions that day. The way he spoke... It was unnatural. "Keiko!" Keiko stood up immediately, her eyes looking out to the road below her window. "Yusuke?" shouted Keiko, both of her eyes searching frantically but they met on a single form of a young man. "Keiko-san, it’s me, Kaguya!" replied the young man, waving his hand at her. With a heavy sigh, Keiko waved back at him and quickly wiped away the tear streaks on her face with the back of her hand. Leaving the magazine on her desk, she ran down to meet Kaguya. "Hello, Keiko-san," greeted the young man politely and smiled at her. Keiko nodded once. "Why are you here?" "Have you forgotten? You promised to go with me to a movie tonight! It’s already five in the evening and I thought we might have time to stop for dinner before going to the cinema. Besides, we can go to the city park afterwards to spend some time," offered the young man as he flashed the two tickets in front of her face. "You know, we have been dating so many times now and we haven’t tried anything..." Suddenly, Keiko felt sick and disgusted at herself. What was she trying to do? Find a replacement for Yusuke? Find someone to go with her to the city park! No, no-one could ever replace Yusuke in her heart. From that very moment, she knew that she would be waiting for him. "Sorry, no... I... I am not feeling very well today... Sorry," apologized Keiko and turned away. Kaguya shouted after her but she didn’t hear anything. There was one thought in her mind: Yusuke Urameshi. Gradually, those fast steps turned into a stride. Before long, Keiko was running down the street, heading for the city park. The sun had began to set, its soft rays coloring the lake and low lying clouds brilliant shades of red and violet. Keiko leaned forward on the metal railings, her eyes looking far out across. Quickly, she dug in the pockets of her jeans for a pen and a piece of paper. Word by word, she wrote out the ending to the verse. After searching far and
wide, Folding the verse with deft fingers, Keiko threw it high up in the air. A smile lit up her face as the gentle breeze blew it towards the middle of the lake. "Yusuke, I’ll wait for you no matter what it takes..." yelled Keiko, her voice trembling with emotion. Slower and slower, it floated down and finally rested on the face of the water. Inch by inch, it began to sink into the lake. "Yusuke, I promise, I’ll wait for you... I promise." |