AlacarA - Humor

Miscellaneous Russian jokes.

1. Georgian toast: Suliko and Shota fell in love and got married. Soon after Shota discovered he had to leave on a business trip. "Don't worry", he said to his young wife. "I'll be back in three days". Three days passed, then three times 3, 10 times three - and still, no Shota. Suliko got anxious and sent telegrams to 10 reliable friends in 10 different cities. Immediately she received the same answer from all 10 friends: - Don't worry, Shota is at our place. So, lets drink to the true friends, who would never let us down when we are in trouble.
2. A little worm asks his mother: -Mommy, mommy, where's our daddy? -Be quiet, answers the mother, daddy went fishing with the men.
3. Two flies order some food in a restaurant. One says: -I'll take the shit with garlic. -And I'll take the same, but without garlic, said the other one. I don't like to have bad breath.
4. An ant is running in a forest and sees a frog sitting on the bank of a stream: -Hey frog! Why are you so green and sliny?, he asks. -I'm sick, answers the frog. Usually I'm yellow and fluffy.
5. -What else can I do for you, sir? - asks the bellhop, trying to please a gentleman and a lady who have just checked into their room in the hotel. -Thank you, I don't need anything - answer the man. -May be your wife needs anything? -Oh, it's a good thing you reminded me! Bring me a post card, please.
6. The door bell is ringing. A neighbor stays on the porch with a pen and piece of paper in his hands. -Would you like to participate in a group sex? - he asks a man who opened the door. -And who gonna be in that group? -I have you, your wife and myself in the list. -Hey, what are you saying, man! Certainly I'll not! -OK. I'll cross you out, says the neighbor.
7. A speaker says: -Sometimes a wife leaves a man solely because he is drinking. A question from the audience: -And how much should I drink for that?
8. In the year 2000 3 crocodiles lie on the river bank. One says: -We were green once. The other one says: -Yes, and we could swim. The third one says (indignantly): -Enough of this, stop waisting your time. Let`s fly around and gather some honey!
9. Genetics explanes us why you are looking like your father if you are, and why you do not look like your father if that happened that way.
10. Well dressed man is the man without a wedding ring.
11. When two men are talking to each other they are talking about themselves, but when two women are talking to each other they are talking about the third one.
12. If women work on their vices with the same amount of energy they spend to cover their wrinkles, they would be 75% better then the angels themselves.
13. Since women started wearing mini-skirts, I'd undersood why they covered their knees in the past.
14. Nothing can make a better driver then a police car behind him.
15. I can live with the fact that I am a grandfather but realizing that my wife is a grandmother is unbearable.
16. A woman can feel happy when she has two things: a house full of furniture and a husband to move it around.
17. A customer asks the butcher: -I'd like 5 grams of sausage, please. -Are you mocking me? - says the butcher. -Not a bit! If I was mocking you, I'd ask you to slice it.
18. "Mary, where's the tea? I can't find it." -"Right where it should be, dummy - in silverware drawer, inside the empty coffee can labeled 'Salt'."
19. Result of a habit: While on vacation, policeman Petrov hauled in a fish, then gave it a severe beating with his nightstick.
20. -"What do you do for a living?" -"I pack parachutes." -"That's not an easy job. How do you manage it?" -"Very well, I think. No one's ever complained about my work."
21. Two Jewish women meet on the street, one of whom has her children with her. The other says, -"Such beautiful children! How old are they?" -"The doctor is seven and the lawyer is five."
22. Statistics show that computer programmers under 30 name most programs after their girlfriends; between 30 and 50, after their favorite alcoholic beverages; and above 50, with the names of diseases.
23. "Mary! I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?" -"That night my husband came home early and found a cigarette butt in the ashtray."
24. -"Hey mister! This is a public phone. You've been on it for half an hour and haven't said a word." -"Leave me alone, kid - I'm speaking with my wife."
25. Who has more sense: men or women? -Women, of course. Have you ever seen a woman marry someone just because he had nice legs?
26. A Hollywood actress married her fifth husband, this one a French artist. The next day, reporters asked her, -"So, are you happy with your latest choice?" -"Oh, yes!" she replied. "From now on, I'm only going to marry French artists."
27. Which is more useful, a Russian radio broadcast or a Russian newspaper? -The newspaper, of course... you can use it to wrap herring.
28. What is the value ratio between the ruble, the dollar and the pound? -A pound of rubles costs one dollar.
29. A wife asked her husband, "Why do you beat me all the time, Vasily? I haven't done anything wrong." -"You should be thankful," he answered. "If I knew what you were doing, I'd kill you."
30. Two African tribes jointly defeated another tribe. Chiefs of the winners got together and ate the leader of their defeated rivals. -"Not very tasty," complained the first chief. -"Well," answered the second, "at least it's better than the food we ate at the Moscow University cafeteria."
31. A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked, -"What's that big brass basin for?" -"That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. -Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "It's 2 a.m., you bastard!"
32. -"Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles and sorrows." -"But I don't have any, my love." -"I said, when we get married..."
33. -"My wife and I were happy for 20 years." -"So what happened after that?" -"We met each other."
34. -"Why so gloomy, doctor?" -"One of my patients just died." -"Well, that should teach you to take money in advance."
35. -"Sir, would you like some of my candy?" -"Thank you, young man. that's very generous of you." -"Is it tasty?" -"Sure is." -"That's strange - both my guinea pig and my cat spit it out."
36. A man complains about his neighbors: -"They're unbearable! They bothered me all night by banging on the wall." -"Poor devil. They didn't let you sleep a wink, huh?" -"Oh, I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to practice my trombone solo."
37. The door bell rings. -A man asks, "Who's there?" -"Jack the Ripper," answers a sinister voice. -"Honey, it's for you."
38. Two girls are sitting at the computer. -One says, "Isn't it amazing that this tiny, little instrument does the job of ten men?" -"I suppose," the other says."But quite frankly, I still prefer the men."
39. What is the best contraceptive pill ? "Sleepalone".
40. Can a wife make her husband a millionaire? -Yes, if he's already a billionaire.
41. -"Know to avoid getting pregnant? Drink soda." -"Before or after?" -"Instead of."
42. -"Do you know what will happen if you present false evidence in court?" -"Sure - I'll be driving a new car."
43. A psychiatrist says to his patient, "So, you say that you're happy to pay your taxes...And when did this start?"
44. Shtirlitz went into Mueller`s office and found that no one was around. He walked up to the safe and pulled on the handle, only to find that it wouldn't open. After making sure that he was alone, he took out his gun and blasted away; still, the safe wouldn't open. Next, he put a hand grenade under the safe and removed the pin. After the smoke had cleared, Shtirlitz once again tried to open the safe. Again, however, he was unsuccessful. "Hmmm..." the experienced intelligence officer at last concluded, "must be locked."
45. -"Hey Gena, Shapoklyak sent us 10 oranges. I counted them, and we each get 8." -"You didn`t count them correctly, Cheburashka..." -"Well, I don`t know how you`re counting, but I already ate the 8 that were a part of my share."
46. A flight attendant in a plane announces, -"Ladies and gentlemen, the plane is going in for a landing. Please fasten your seatbelts or it will be just like it was on the last flight." A concerned passenger asks, -"So wat happened on the last flight?" She answers casually, -"Those who didn`t buckle up were spread out all over the cabin. Those who did at least looked like they were still alive."
47. - Doctor! Which mushrooms can you eat? -All of them. There are just some you can only eat once.
48. - How old is the little tyrant? - Fourteen. - Ooh. Too late for an abortion, huh?
49. - You want to have dinner with me ? - Sure. - OK. How about 7pm at your place?
50. A pest is a man you'd rather sleep with than explain why you'd rather not.
51. - Doctor! Where you are taking me to? - To the morgue. - But I'm not dead yet. - So? We haven't arrived yet either.
52. Three fleas are coming out of a restaurant. One says. - Well, girls. You wanna walk home or catch a dog?
53. - I don't want to marry someone as greedy as you. Take your ring back. - Okay. Uh, where's the case?
54. - Waiter! I don't want to eat this junk. Bring me the cook. - Don't waste your time, Sir. He won't eat it either.
55. Woman says to her husband who is going fishing. - If pike is too expensive, buy crucians or carp.
56. Two friends are talking: - "Do you help your wife at home" asks one. - "No I do everything by myself."
57. - What kind of sex do you prefer. Individual or group? - In a group. - Why? - It is easier to slip away.
58. What do you get when you cross a white bear with a black bear? - Two happy bears.
59. Help Wanted: Illiterate person needed to type top-secret documents.
60. - Mommy, was my dad a modest man when he was young? - Sure he was. Otherwise you would be much older now.
61. - What a disgrace! Your dog howled the whole night under my window. - Don't worry. It usually sleeps well enough during the day.
62. One rooster tells another. " Lets go to a grocery store and watch the naked chicks."
63. Vovochka asks a driver. - Could you give me a ride, please? I'm late for school. - But I'm heading the opposite direction, son. - Even better!
64. - How could you think that I love other women while I'm dating you? I hate them all now.
65. - Darling, if you kiss me one more time I will be yours forever. - Thanks for the warning, sweetheart.
66. How a smart Jew talks to a stupid one-- First - over the phone, and second - from New-York.
67. - Honey, what do you like better - my perfect body or my beautiful face? - Your sense of humor.
68. - Masha. You've been leafing through the cook-book for more than an hour. What are you looking for? - I want to boil you an egg for breakfast, honey, but I can't seem to find the recipe.
69. - I've always had problems taking a woman to my place. Earlier because of my parents and now because of my wife.
70. I don't like to get drunk around my wife. It's awful when she doubles.
71. - My wife always says to me, "Give me money, give me money." - What does she do with all the money? - Dunno. Never gave her a penny.
72. - My wife loves cats and dogs. - You're a lucky man. Mine prefers minks and sables.
73. - Honey. I'll be home late tonight. My friends and I are going to the race track. - Don't bother sweetheart. Your mare called and said that today's race is cancelled.
74. - What happened to your face, Masha? - I was beaten mercifully by my husband today. - Your husband? I thought he is out of town these days. - Unfortunately I thought the same too.
75. A boy picks up the telephone. -My dad? And who, may I ask, is calling? - His boss? - Which one - the old mule or the total idiot?
76. - At your age, son, Napoleon was the best student in his class. - And at your age, daddy, he was the emperor of France.
77. - I need a good gun, asks a lady in a gun shop. - You need it for self-defense, Ma'am? - No. For my defense I'll hire a lawyer
78. A young man asks his girlfriend. - Would you marry a rich idiot? - Hard to say... How much money you got?
79. Man to his wife. -Isn't it strange that the worst idiots have the most beautiful wives. - Flattery will get you nowhere.
80. A wife tells her husband. - I can't live with this any longer. Why do you drink vodka? - I drink it because it's a liquid. If it were solid, I'd gnaw it.
81. An experienced surgeon rebukes a young one. - Who taught you to make such awful incisions? This is the fourth operating table you've scratched up!
82. - Hello. Is this the Ivanovs'? - No. This is the post office. - Well, do you have the same number as the Ivanovs? - No.... - Then, why did ya pick up the phone?
83. An old woman carrying a large package gets on an overcrowded bus and says. - Hey, boys. Don't hit the eggs. -It ain't too smart to take eggs on the bus, lady. - Oh, I don't carry the eggs - I carry the nails.
84. A mother and the daughter are standing in front of the Venus de Milo. The mother says. - Look. This is what happens to girls who chew their fingernails.
85. A visitors asks a kid from the country. - Where can I find your father? - He's in the pigsty now . You'll recognize him, no sweat. He'll be the one in the brown hat.
86. One guy asks another: " Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife yet?" "What are you saying. I would never even think about such things." "Well. You might want to. She is much better, then yours.
87. -Why did you escape from prison? - a policeman asks the fugitive. - I wanted to get married. - Heh. You have quite the strange view of freedom.
88. - Father. I decided to get married. - That's OK, son. However you should realize that family replaces everything for a man. So before you do this, think what is more important to you - family or everything?
89. - No. Money does not bring happiness. Rich people are also unhappy. - True. But I'd rather cry in a limo than a bus.
90. A barber is shaving a man. His cat follows his every move. - I see you have an educated cat, says the customer. - No. Not really. He's just waiting for an ear.
91. What is the difference between an amateur programmer and a professional one? An amateur thinks that 1 kilobyte is 1000 bites. A professional thinks that 1 kilometer is 1024 meters.
92. A naked woman gets into a taxi. A cab driver looks at her stupefied. - What's up. Havn't you ever seen a naked woman? - No. I'm just wondering where you suppose to take the money from.
93. A popular French magazine held a contest for the best description of the morning time. First prize was awarded to the author of the following essay. - I wake up, have breakfast, put my close on, and go home.
94. - My grandfather was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage. - Oh. He probably got a lot of applause when he got out. - I didn't say he got out.
95. A mother is enjoying her new fair-coat in front of the mirror. "Is this the one that father bought for you? "asks the son. "No, sonny. If I relied on your father, I wouldn't have you let alone a nice coat.
96. Vovochka is watching his parents through a key hole for a long time. Finally he says to himself. - And these people do not allow me to pick my nose!
97. A boss asks his secretary. "What did my wife said when you told her that I would be late today?" - She just asked, "Can I rely on this information for sure?"
98. Night. A young woman walking in a park. Suddenly a guy jumped from a shadow and is taking her to the bushes. - Help, help, cries the girl. - Don't shout you stupid. I can do it alone.
99. Epitaphs on two graves. 1. Here lies a 115-year-old man. All his teeth are still in great shape. Buy "Pepsodent" tooth paste! 2. No one is buried here. Buy condoms by "Twix".
100. An OVIR officer asks a man: - Why are you going to Israel? - My wife has no peace. Every moment she pleas: "Lets go, lets go!" - Well, let her go. - You know, my daughters insist also. - So what? - And my mother-in-law and father-in-law want to leave as well... - Are you a man or not? Let all of them go and stay here. - I wish I could. But I'm the only Jew in our family
101. - You know, I surgically changed my nationality. - Can it really be true? You became a Jew? - No. I became a "New Russian". I asked the surgeon to crook my fingers.
102. A Russian asks an Englishman: - Why is there no antisemitism in your country ? - Because we don't think we're dumber than Jews.
103. The shortest joke: "Jew - street-sweeper"
104. A guy cries over a grave: - Why did you pass away so early.... - Who are you mourning over? - This is the first husband of my wife.
105. - Do you know who Abraham Lincoln was? - No. - And who Moshe Dayan was? - No. - See, you don't know, but I do. It is because every evening I take classes or go to the museum. - Well, and do you know who Vasily Ivanov is? - No. Who is he? - He's the guy who visits your wife every evening when you are in class or at the museum.
106. - Honey, my boss told me that I'm a beauty. - Really? Would you now agree with me that he is a pervert?
107. Rabinowich sits in front of the Rockefeller Bank and sells oranges. His friend comes and asks to borrow a couple of bucks. - You know, says Rabinowich, Rockefeller and I reached an agreement - he does not sell oranges, and I do not borrow money.
108. 50th wedding anniversary in Armenia: - Grandpa, you lived with Grandma so long. Tell me the truth: Did you ever have the desire to leave her? - To leave? - never. To kill - yes.
109. - Petro, how much sugar should I put in your tea? - 10 spoonfuls. But please don't stir it. I don't like it sweet.
110. Chukcha bought a refrigerator. - What do you need this 'fridge for? You live in Siberia. - To warm up during winter. Imagine the joy - it's -40 outside and +4 in a the refrigerator.
111. Chukcha - sentry: - Stop. Say the password. - Black sky. - Not right. The password is "White soil". Go ahead. Try to remember that next time.
112. Chukcha goes to a store. - Do you have color TVs? - Yes. - All right. I'll take a green one.
113. Chukcha went to the information booth: - Tell me please. - Please. - Thank you.
114. - Honey, there are some people at the door asking for donations to build a new swimming pool. - Give them three..., no, two buckets of water.
115. The owner of a Scotland company tells his employees: - You worked very well during this year. The company's profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for 20 pounds. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
116. A tourist asks the guide: - When does the Loch-Ness monster show up? - Usually after the fifth shot of whisky.
117. - Sorry that I'm sending this letter without a stamp. Unfortunately, I only figured this out after the postman had picked up the mail.
118. - Honey, I want this fur-coat. - To wear a coat like this you should be born a mink. 119. A black guy stays under the tree and cries. - Why do you cry?, asks Petka - I want to go home. - Sure, let me give you a boost.
120. A black guy asks a genie: - I want to be white and be surrounded with lots of water and women. - OK, said genie, and turned him into a comode in a lady's restroom. After suffering for a month, he called for the genie again: - That's it. Make me black again. - OK, said the genie, and cut off the water.
121. - Ivan, do you know Einstein is coming to Odessa. - Who is he? Is he a famous pharmacist? - No, he is a famous physicist. He is the author of the 'Theory of the Relativity". - What's that? - Well, how can I explain this...? You see, you have two hairs on your head. Is that a lot or a little? - A little. - And now let's imagine you found the same number of hairs in your soup... - Can it be true? He is coming to Odessa with this stupid joke?
122. - Don't drink too much hot tea. - Why? - Your bladder might burst and you'll burn your feet.
123. - Why should I go to Rabinowich's funeral! He definitely will not go to mine.
124. - There are no smart husbands. - Why? - Smart people don't get married.
125. - Rabinowich, why did you decide to leave for Israel? - You know, I'm 80 now. How many years more will I live? At most, five. But if I stay here I can get 10 more years.
126. - May I talk to Rabinowich? - Which one, junior or senior? - Senior. - They're both dead.
127. A young English girl trying to impress her American date said: - My genealogy starts from a person who met the Queen. She touched his shoulder and made him a knight. - Well, said the American, my genealogy starts from a person who faced an indian chief. The chief touched his head with a tomahawk and made him an angel.
128. At the International Genetics Meeting. An American reports: - We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs. Report from France: - We succeded in cross-breeding flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey. - And we crossed a melon with cockroaches, says the Russian. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves.
129. - To my regret I have to postpone my wedding with Vasily. - Why? - I marrying Peter now.
130. Doctors are talking: - You know, a patient whom I treated for an ulcer died yesterday. The autopsy showed he had cancer. - Well, says the other, I treated a patient for jaundice for an entire month, but the autopsy revealed he was just Chinese.
131. It's not true that I don't pay attention to you. Just this past week, I let you clean the whole appartment, let you do the dishes three times, and even allowed you to vacuum the carpet.
132. A man in a synagogue: - Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity. - I don't know, answers the rabbi. Come back tomorrow, and I'll ask advice from God. The man comes back the next day. - I can't help you, says the rabbi. God told me he has the same problem.
133. An old Jew seeks advice: - I'm in trouble, rabbi. Yesterday, my only son had a pig on the table and a Christian girl in his bed. - That's not so bad, answers the rabbi. It might be worth a lot, like a pig in the bed and a girl on the table.
134. A young man: - Rabbi, I don't know what to do. Should I marry my girlfriend or not? - It doesn't matter what you do. You'll regret it anyway.
135. Four cars collided today at an intersection - a fire truck, a police car, a military vehicle and an ambulance. Who caused the accident? Jews, of course.
136. A bypasser asks a farmer: - Do your pigs smoke? - No! - Then I think your pig sty is on fire.
137. A foreign delegation in a south Russia kolkhoz: - Do tomatoes grow in your soil? - No. - What about cucumbers? - They don't grow either. - Maybe you're not cultivating them properly? - Cultivating? Well if we cultivate, they'll definitely grow.
138. At the reception for the new Congo goverment, the leader asks the Soviet ambassador: - Do you like our former President Patris Lumumba? - Yes I do, answers the diplomat like a true communist. - Then please, have another bite.
139. Vovochka tells his mother how much fun he and his father had when she was away on a business trip: - Everyday Aunt Lyuba visited us and brought candy for me. Daddy entertained her with wine, and then they did the same thing you and Uncle Nick do when father is out of town.
140. A husband writes his wife: - Dear, you are the best woman in the world. Yesterday I became convinced of this once again.
141. A husband is about to leave on a business trip: - Honey, if my business requires me to stay longer in that town, I'll send you a telegram. - Don't bother, dear. I read it already - it's in the pocket of your coat.
142. A wife leaves on a business trip. The next day she receives a telegram from her husband; - Where are our utensils? - You should sleep at home, replies the woman. Next day - same question, same answer until she returns home. - Why didn't you tell me where our utensils are? - I told you "Sleep home". She went to the bedroom and lifted the bed cover and showed them where she had put them.
143. A flight dispatcher watches a plane landing tail-end forward. - Flight 757, what the hell is going on?! he shouts into the microphone. Let me speak to the captain! - The c... the c... the captain is drunk. - Then give me the second pilot. - H ..he's d... drunk too. - Well, and who's talking. - A... autop.. pilot...
144. - Vasily! I heard your daughter is getting married. - Yes. Little by little.
145. - Abram. What are you gonna to do if you violate one of the Ten Commandments? - Nothing. I'll still have 9 left.
146. Three men are arguing: "When does life begin?" One says: At the time of conception. - At the time of birth, argues the other. - Oh, no, says the third. Life begins when the wife takes the children and they all leave for vacation.
147. - Have you ever met a man whose touch makes you tremble? - Yes. - Who was he? - A dentist.