| How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? | His lips are moving. |
| How many lawyer jokes are there? | Only three... the rest are true stories. |
| How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? | How many can you afford? |
| How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? | It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. |
| How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? | Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company. |
| How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? | You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... |
| What did the lawyer name his daughter? | Sue |
| What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? | A good start! |
| What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? | Another lawyer. |
| What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? | Not enough cement. |
| What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? | Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. |
| What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? | There are skid marks in front of the dog. |
| What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt? | The bucket. |
| What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? | A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead. |
| What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? | The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. |
| What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? | One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect. |
| What's the difference between God and a lawyer? | God doesn't think he's a lawyer. |
| Why don't lawyers go to the beach? | Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand. |
| Why won't sharks attack lawyers? | Professional courtesy. |
| You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? | Shoot the lawyer. Twice. |