Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts:

*I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it.

*I believe in making our world safe for our children,but not for our children's children, because I don't think that children should be having sex.

*One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around that the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

*To me, clowns arn't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

*I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

*Whether they find life there or not, I think that Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

*Dad always thought that laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

*When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English."

*Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

*Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two seperate words--"Mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

*As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

*One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove hime to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no" I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought that it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

*If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.

*If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.