My Jokes Page
Hey why not!!! I fancied doin' something different on my page, so hey presto!!! A JOKE PAGE!!!
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Golf
There's this guy playing golf with a priest. He comes to the first green, and tries an easy putt. He goes for it and says :- "Oh fuck, I missed!" The priest outraged by the bad language says "If you say that again, you will be struck by lightning." Next green, same thing happens - "Oh fuck, I missed!" Priest says "One more chance, if you say that again, you will be struck by lightning." Next green, same thing happens - "Oh fuck, I missed!" All of a sudden, the heavens open, and a bolt of lightning comes down, and strikes the priest. Then the guy hears a low rumbling noise coming from the clouds: "Oh fuck, I missed!"
Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a redneck stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ON STAGE!" You been making smart-ass remarks about us rednecks being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!" "Relax" said the vetriloquist, "They're just jokes!" "I'm not talking to you, sir!" The redneck replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"
One Wish
A very tired looking man walks in to a bar and orders a drink, but as soon as the bartender puts it down, a little leprechaun, just a foot tall, runs out and kicks the glass off the table and runs away. The man does not look suprised. He tells the bartender that he'll pay for the damages and can he have another beer. But as soon as the bartender puts the glass down, the leprechaun runs out again and this time he pisses in it and runs away. Now the bar tender asks "excuse me for prying, but what's going on here with that leprechaun?". The tired man looks up a little and says, "Well, I was stranded on a desert island once, and I found a genie in a bottle. He said he would grant me one wish, so without even thinking about it, I asked him for what I'd wanted all my life. A twelve inch prick.
Chunks
After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home separately. The next day at the office, the three gather by the watercooler to discuss the past evenings events. The first guy says, "I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks." The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt but now I have no car." The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I cussed my girlfriend out and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won't cover the damage." The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, "I'm not sure you understand. Chunks is my dog."
Golden Saloon
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones. "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bullshit! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor.Hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes, it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey,Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"
Cannibals
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they would live only if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be killed and eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits, which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
Judo
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool next to a smaller fellow. The smaller guy looks at the first guy, grabs him by the arms and neck, and says "That's a choke-hold from Judo." and lets go. The first guy , figuring that the little guy is just a bit drunk, lets it slide. Two minutes later, he finds himself in another hold, and the little fellow says "That's a secret bracing hold in Karate." Now the guy is getting a little steamed, but he lets it pass. Five minutes later, the little fellow jumps on him again, and puts him in another compromising position. He says "That's a Death Move in Tae Kwon Do." Now the guy is angry and quickly leaves the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back into the bar, and the little fellow is still at the bar, waiting for another drink. The guy walks up to him, and before the little fellow can move, he lunges at him, his arm flying out from behind his back. The little fellow falls off of his stool, and is out cold. He turns to the bartender and says "That was a monkey wrench from Sears!"
Pet Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Singing Frog
This mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
Wrong Side of the Bar
A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bars are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is understandably silent. He then chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again. Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man. "You got a problem, buddy?" "No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
First Blowjob
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered. "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Pilsner -vs- Draft
A woman walks into a tavern, sits up at the bar and orders a Pilsner. She drinks it down and then "BAM" she passes out. The regulars not being ones to miss an opportunity, take her into the back room and have sex with her, then prop her up in the alley. The next day the same woman comes in, sits at the bar and orders a Pilsner. BAM she passes out and the boys take her into the back room again and have sex with her, then put her into the alley. The third day the same woman walks in and sits at the bar, and the bartender says "would you like a Pilsner today"? She replies "No more Pilsner, make it a draft, that Pilsner makes my pussy sore".
Quit While You're Ahead
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was still a head."
The Pub Called
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Some thoughts before you have your first beer this weekend...
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson
Small World
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."