Beer!

What is it about the stuff that means that we continually blow a weeks living expenses upon it? What is a good pint? How does beer relate to Student Christian life?

Lets face it, were beer a new drug, produced only recently it would never be legalised. But we students drink it (collectively, I hasten to add) in gallons each week. And if this web page was about injecting heroin (for instance) nice Mr Geocities would come down on me like a ton of housing construction materials. But he won't, so I'll stop making this analogy. As it is seriously dull.

Beer Ettiquete

When faced with his or her first night away from home, your average student will walk into the nearest hostelry, get commode-hugging drunk, and stagger home. And to some , beer remains nothing but a means of doing this, for the rest of their student life. But some look beyond these early attempts, finding a nobler calling. This is the beer drinking I speak of...

The Quest for the Perfect Pint

The 'Perfect Pint' is not an entity that can be described in normal beer terms. It is not a fixed goal, or set of qualities that can be checklisted. It is, in a sense both real and unreal, both near at hand and unobtainable,omniprescent yet rare indeed.

The Rhyme of the Perfect Pint seeker


Parte the firste

There is an ancient pisshead,
And he downeth one in three,
He speaks to all that listen,
Of peril upon the sea,
Of peril upon the sea, he speaks,
Of dark primevial fears,
Of 'creamflow ales', and nitrokegs,
And townie's bottled beers,
"It all began", says he, "one year,
I was barely twenty-one,
I stood in Student Union bars,
As I thought it was fun,
To ogle all the freshers there,
In skintight pulling gear,
The view was nice enough I thought,
But I couldn't stand the beer,"
The beer, he told, was watered down,
Had bits that float about,
Was served in plastic glasses,
For the lads to throw and 'owt,
"I realised, though not sober I!
That beer was more than this,
I couldn't drink my life away,
On Student's Union piss."

Parte the Seconde

"So on those tragic nights, I stayed,
At home to watch the box,
To do some work, and write some notes,
And darn my wooly socks,
My social life was ended,
For in my heresy,
I foreswore drink, and sex, and fun,
And all that pleasured me."
And all along the long bar,
Friends prayed it wasn't true,
That a well respected pisshead,
Was a member of CU,
"'Twas true!" said he, "I did all this
And more I will not tell,
About my nervous breakdown,
My fitful days of Hell,
And as he spoke, I must confess,
A tear fell down my cheek,
For all those trapped in such a place,
That lives to catch the weak.

Parte the thirde (and finale)

"But yet," I cried "You can't end there!"
"Your story is not done!
You've been here downing pints all day,
Is that your 16th one?"
"Fear not" said he,for mighty dread,
Had seized my troubled mind,
"I met a man of awesome age,
Who told me where to find,
"THE PERFECT PINT!". And as he spoke,
The glimmer in his eye,
Told me this ancient would divulge,
This secret soon. To I!
"From that tap there" He pointed to,
A source of Marsden's Best,
I must confess I chuckled some,
I thought he spoke in jest.
As Marsden's is a lovely beer,
(Perhaps a little sweet)
But go in to any decent pub,
In any Leicester street:
And on the bar, in all these pubs,
There's Marsden's to be found,
"So what makes this the perfect pint?"
He said:"It's your round!"

More Beer!!

Alway there is the need for more beer. Beer is important and a very serious matter. Indeed an ecumenical matter!

But here are some drinking games I just thought up:

The Last Plantagenet game

As the beer here is so cheap it is possible to do some completely debaucherous things. Try this. Sit near the kitchen doors. Watch the staff coming in (and out) and score as following:
Member of staff carrying two plates : drink one finger of drink.
Member of staff carrying more than two plates : drink two fingers of drink.
Member of staff returning empty plates to kitchen : Drink two fingers of drink.
Member of staff carrying food back to kitchen, being unable to find those who ordered it : Down remnants of pint.
This is best played at busy times, i.e early evening or lunchtimes. If a member of staff asks a player if the food she is holding is what they ordered, it is his or her round.

The Vaults game

Rules are simple. Each player must drink one pint for each customer with a beard, woolly jumper or CAMRA tie. If any players actually possess any of these items, or grow them during the course of play they are disqualified. If a possesor of these qualities comments upon the quality of the beer to a player it is that players round.

The Surrealist game

Fish. Washing Machine. Spam. Neurology. Fruit Seller. Clock. Escaped Goat. Camels on the Allotment. Essex. Feet. The Rutles.

More to follow.

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