Assorted Paranoia and Irrational Fears

Most people's websites entirely self-referential. Mine wasn't until now. Here is a useless list of things I am scared of:

Tupperwares

Could someone please explain to me the point of these bloody things? Even with all the stuff we buy in little plastic tubs there still appears to be a need for dedicated storage utensils in cheesy pastel colours. Sold at 'parties'. Now excuse me, but what kind of a party is that? "Hey, all back to my place tonight. Lets get a complete stranger to come in and sell us useless plastic boxes that we can stash in our cupboards; thus actually losing storage space!" That sounds like a great night.

Have you noticed that you can't buy Tupperware in shops? It has to be ordered personally, or sold to you in private. Like porn, drugs, small children etc. Coincidence? I don't think so. Tupperwares are the work of Satan. Ever sniffed a 'virgin', unused, tupperware? Sulphur! Brimstone! Decay! EVIL!

Tupperwares are pedalled by satanic agencies who execute a painful form of mind control on the middle-aged. Suddenly they find themselves buying tupperwares. They stop going to the pub, take pride in the garden, buy volvos, lose friends, lose the ability to cope with new technology and before you know it they HOLD TUPPERWARE PARTIES OF THEIR OWN. Or in extreme cases, become TUPPERWARE agents!!

If this begins to happen to a friend of yours, immediately destroy all their tupperware collection with a stout stick

Lager

You may, at some point, come across a person who claims that they drink lager because they "..enjoy the taste..". This is a lie. People only drink Lager so they can get pissed. It tastes of vomit (in some cases e.g Heineken, OTHER PEOPLES VOMIT) and is equally enjoyable coming up as going down. All lager comes from a central source, which is a giant tank underneath Camden Town, which is connected to slops trays, urinals, and university campus drainage systems the country over.

Townies (see later entry) now never confess to drinking lager. They drink designer beer. This differs in that (a) it comes in bottles and (b)is about 6 times more expensive. Steer clear of it, it is the one alcoholic beverage that is nicer when watered down.(100 parts water to 0 parts Lager for preferance)

Scampi Flavour Crisps

Think about it. Crisps covered in a substance that is not fish, but tastes and smells like fish. Hmmm... Yer Mom says a similar thing about twiglets..and we all know what they taste of...

Christian Bands

All seem to have signed a pledge to never, ever be any good. Because of course "The music isn't the important thing.We do it to praise God". Well if you want to praise God while strumming a collection of out-of-tune guitars, please do it out of earshot of everyone. If you are in a Christian Band...it is NOT a sin to be MUSICALLY COMPETENT. People might listen to you and actually be inspired by the music, and want to come to God. Stranger things have happened.

As a footnote here, no kudos whatsoever to Noel Gallagher who seems to have taken the bad bits of Christian music as an inspiration for his top-rocking teen beat combo, Oasis.

Rude, Uneducated People

(submitted by PaulWay - edited by S.C.)

If there's one thing I am prejudiced against, it's some people's complete lack of netiquette. This will come as no surprise to most people that know me, but then I don't particularly think it difficult to arrange my thoughts into a cohesive unit that obeys the usual rules of capitalisation, punctuation, spelling, grammar and politeness that were notable for their inclusion in my schooling. I don't count them as being particularly difficult to remember or obey, seeing as a good deal of the population of the 'net already follow them.

It seems unlikely to me that the morons that perpetrate the worst of the offences against these simple principles would enjoy it if someone was to explode into their living-room during a normal evening with some friends and be a complete ignoramus. Most of these dichotomous ingrates would get very vocal and want to bodily eject the interloper, preferably into something sharp. And yet these inchoates see no problem with their own ru! de behaviour. Having had one person go so far as to say "stuff you, I don't have to obey the rules that everyone else on this forum is displaying, I'm now going off in a huff and leaving the list so that you can't point out my childishness where everyone else can see it" to me, this behavour now does more than just get on my goat, it gives it a good ride around the paddock as well.

Well then Mr. Wayper, how exactly does a person explode into a living room? Wouldn't you eject someone onto or at a sharp object? Why use words such as "dichotomus","ingrates" and "inchoates" when 90% of the population have no idea what they mean? If you are trying to prove how clever you are to the world then I can say personally that I am not impressed. I can use archaic, exclusive language as well, but I don't feel I have to in order to express myself, any more than I feel whatever I type has to be in formal English for people to read, enjoy and think about it. Somebody shoot the goat. Oh, and of course I shan't point out your childisness where everyone can see it! That would be so damaging to your reputation.

Lego Firemen

Lego never catches fire, does it? Try lighting a brick with a match - at best it will smolder a bit or melt. But burst into fire? Never. And yet still there are Lego firemen. Just in case some lego catches fire (which it won't) we have a full Lego fire service (composed not of setinent beings but of Legomen, who are incapable of independant action) with solid rubber hoses that you can't fire water through. Completely pointless. (Thanks to BTTS for this germ of an idea)

Add Your Own Comments/Pet Hates

Wot's Yer Name Then: (Do not press return, it'll bugger everything up)

1) What's your favourite object of scorn? Be brutal

2) What are you drinking?

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