It's funny how
Even now
You still support me after all the things that I've done
You're so good to me
Waiting patiently
And isn't it sad that you still have to ask if I care

I never said I was perfect
But I can take you away

Walk on shells tonight
Can't do right tonight
But you can't say a word cuz I leap down your throat
So uptight am I

I never said I was perfect
But I can drive you home

I got down on myself
Working too hard
Driving myself to death trying to beat out the faults in my head
What a mess I've made
Sure we all make mistakes
But they see me so large that they think I'm immune to the pain

Walk on shells tonight
Can't do right tonight
And you can't say a word cuz I leap down your throat
So uptight am I

I'm praying for a miracle
But I won't hold my breath

I never said I was perfect
But can you take me home

-- Drive, Garbage

I had never believed in love up until this point. True, deep down, I am a romantic at heart. I dream of love at first sight, of the most beautiful girl I've ever laid my eyes on laying her head down on my chest as I wrap my arms around her, and that timeless moment of where the world seems to stop for just the two of us.

But that was deep down, and for the most part, I was very practical about love.

That was until I met her.

Suddenly, dreams were coming true. Love at first sight wasn't so hard to believe in after all. Things were looking my way, the world was brighter, and stupidity sightings were less frequent. It was true after all, and the world wasn't littered with sappy sops who quivered at the sight of their own lunches, let alone at the sight of the opposite sex.

I had gone out with her but once, and I was a quivering mess of emotions. Tight bands of worry crossed my chest, keeping my heart from leaping out and singing. My skin tingled when I thought about her. Everything seemed to remind me of her perfect face and sweet smile. Just talking with her made me break out into the silliest grin, no matter what odd and curious conversations passed between our lips. I was at once the happiest and the most nerve-wracked man in the world. So this is first love, I thought.

I spent the entire weekend after our first date with a twitch reflex: my hand kept dropping to my phone. I wanted to call her with all my heart, wishing to hear her voice again, if only for a few seconds. But I knew that her sleep and work schedule were odd, and I didn't know when she would be home. So instead, I tried to remain satisfied with the giddy and elated mood that seemed to permeate my very vision.

Well, at least I had a happy weekend.

I finally caught up with her on Sunday when she logged online. We chatted and I told her what a great time I had on Friday. She said she had a great time too, until I mentioned how nervous I was. Then I had to explain why I wanted everything to go so well. That was when she told me that she didn't know we were on a date, and that she only thought of me as a good friend.

My world crashed into the sun, burning and searing with the pain of fire wrought from the First Flame. It was a primitive and blunt pain that gripped my heart, stopping it from beating for several seconds as the words sunk into my brain, slowly and inexorably. And while my heart beat its last remaining seconds before it sunk into oblivion, I smiled and told her I understood and that I hoped nothing would change between us.

Is that right? To ask so little while giving so much? Can it be done? To speak with an angel while always holding one's heart in reserve? To set such hopes upon the cliff of dreams, only to see them plummet into the breakwater below, and then to survive meekly upon the rocks that litter the ocean below. My only consolation was that it ended right there and then, rather than me sinking deeper and deeper into the pools of her eyes and loving with a desperation that belied all rationality. I had never fallen farther or harder for someone than I had for her, and the only thing I could do to console myself was to say, "At least it was only for the weekend."

My life has become an apathetic mess again, and the only thing that keeps me going is the realization that letting this slip will ruin my friendship with her. And so I return to the lie that I call a life, slipping on that smile that cuts me off to the world. My heart, I lay to rest, safely hidden from the world, perhaps to recover one day.