101 Ways to be a "Real Woman"
1. Be a bitch
2. Your best friends are your worst enemies
3. Have more shoes than you will ever wear
4. Have lots of outfits and still complain you have nothing to wear
5. NEVER make up your mind
6. Double standars are a woman's prerogative
7. Two words: Fashionably late
8. Hate sports
9. Love athlete's butts though
10. If you don't get your way, pout
11. If pouting doesn't work, yell
12. If yelling doesn't work, pretend you never wanted it in the first place
13. Talk nice to other women, but as soon as they leave, start ripping on
them
14. Keep secrets from your male friends
15. Do what your friends do so you don't stand out in a crowd
16. Then, be upset when no one ever notices you
17. Drink Coors Light
18. Always keep secrets, unless it's about one of your friends or it's
really good
19. Drop hints about what you want guys to do, but NEVER what you really
want them to do
20. If a guy can't figure out what you want, he's not trying hard enough
21. If a guy tries too hard, dump him
22. Say you want to go out with nice guys, but only if they're really cute
23. Watch 90210 and Melrose Place
24. Keep stuffed animals until (or sometimes after) you get married
25. Wear a provocative dress, then say things like "I don't see what the
big deal is!"
26. Be "Daddy's little girl"
27. Never go to the bathroom alone
28. Never tell anyone what exactly it is you do in pairs in the bathroom
29. Never have an individual thought
30. Remember: Guys are always wrong
31. When a song that you like comes on the radio, start singing even
though you can't sing at all
32. If someone asks what type of music you like, say "Everything"
33. Then say you hate rap, country, classical, and heavy metal
34. Love Disney movies because they remind you of your childhood. Then
be upset at guys for being immature
35. ALWAYS be on a diet
36. Be jealous if your boyfriend ever talks to another woman
37. Act outraged when guys look at women, but comment on how EVERY guy is
cute or not
38. Never make the first move
39. On dates, always let the guy pay for everything
40. Say you're going to change everything about your life, then cut your
hair and keep everything else the same
41. Lots and lots of makeup
42. Even if you're saying something boring, whisper it so it appears more
interesting
43. Always have more weight to lose
44. Ten minutes late is really ten minutes early
45. Avoid confrontation
46. Get upset if you step on a bug
47. Save yourself for marriage, unless the guy is really cute or you're
really drunk (or, preferably, both)
48. If a nail breaks, it's the end of the world
49. Flick your hair around a lot
50. Everyone waits for you; you never wait for anyone
51. It's OK to fall in love with guys because they're the only ones who
show an interest in you, no matter how misguided
52. Claim pornography is beneath you, but enjoy "erotica"
53. Change your outfit at least 3 times before you go out, thus ensuring
you will be fashionably late
54. On a first date, go on and on about your last boyfriend
55. During sex, decide you want to quit right at the last second. The
guy will be wondering so much about what he missed that he'll be
begging you to see him again
56. Be able to identify all of your friends problems and none of your own
57. Take at least an hour to get ready in the morning
58. Always wear your best clothes and makeup, because you never know who
you'll run into getting your mail
59. If another woman sleeps with a guy you like, she's a slut
60. Cry often
61. Let others make decisions for you; then complain about them
62. If someone doesn't say hi to you, it means they hate you
63. Tell anyone who will listen about your period
64. Only go to the bathroom in "female bathrooms"
65. At work, ask somebody else to do things for you, then complain that
they never give you any responsibility
66. Lie about your weight
67. Even if you've only talked to someone for five minutes, they're a friend
68. If a guy says hi to you, he must be interested
69. Say you like kinky things, but only have sex in the missionary position
70. Get frustrated when you're not the center of attention
71. Comment often on how fat you are
72. Comment often on how fat your friends are
73. Blame the media for creating a certain image of beauty, especially if
you're not attractive
74. Practice rolling your eyes and saying "whatever"
75. Compare every guy you meet to your ex-boyfriend
76. Flirt with guys in bars just to get free drinks
77. Love your pet more than your boyfriend
78. When you laugh, say "HeHe" in a REALLY high voice
79. Hate other women who wear the same clothes as you
80. Watch movies like "Thelma and Louise" and anything with Meryl Streep
81. Say you have an open mind, tehn get really offended when someone
talks about sex
82. Read Cosmopolitan and Glamour and Vogue, etc.
83. Get pissed off if a guy leaves the toilet seat up
84. Look down before going to the bathroom, to make sure some guy didn't
leave the toilet seat up and you don't fall in
85. Have absolutely no athletic ability
86. If nobody's talking, it's a perfect opportunity to tell everyone
everything you did today, in full detail
87. If you don't like a guy, just string him along until he loses interest
88. If a guy hasn't called for 3 months, continue to think that he's just
biding his time
89. Flirt with guys to get them to like you
90. If you don't know how to react to a situation, cry
91. Only talk about things that mean something to you, like your hair,
your clothes, your boyfriend, etc.
92. Bitch about your problems, then when someone offers to help, say you
don't need their help
93. Be attracted to guys who treat you like shit
94. Overreact to minor situations
95. Deal with stress by shopping or eating (both is even better)
96. Develop crushes on guys you will never, ever have a chance with
97. Define yourself by those around you
98. Have no ability to handle criticism
99. Cut your hair in the latest craze
100. Paint your toenails, then never walk around in bare feet
101. Remember: You're only a slut if you sleep with a lot of guys AND you
enjoy it
written by Kevin Bristow (
geocities.com/collegepark/quad) (
geocities.com/collegepark)