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People talk about human decency - how preserving that will lead to greatness and I agree. It's not the complete answer, but part of it. I also heard a graduation speaker say it's easy to love and take care of yourself which includes friends, family, and loved ones. I agree also. But no matter how much you open yourself to some people - individuals who seem to call you their friend - even that simple easiness to love and take care of your friends is not so easy.

I don't normally get mad at my friends - I can get irritated, annoyed, irked - but rarely MAD. I rarely get disappointed in my friends. Shit happens - I usually let things go. I give trust pretty easily - and in a way I don't expect much. I accept what they give as I hope my friends accept what I give - not expect more - not expect less. But maybe, lately, I'm expecting more - to the tune of human decency - if not more than minimal reciprocation. Why is it so hard to hope that your friends would get over their own interests, hesitations, distractions just even for 5 minutes to an hour for me and their other friends. Sometimes there are friends who ride the friendship on their terms - NEVER taking one fucking second to think about the other friend's needs or desires. AND when we realize we're doing this to our "friends" we feel guilty, stick our heads in a hole, get stuffy after 3 seconds, and go on about our business as we haven't learned anything about reciprocation of decency.

I have flaked on friends. I know. My bad. I am not throwing the first stone - I'm just bringing to light a reality that is very frustrating. AGAIN, mind you, I'm very open minded, laid back, respectful, understanding if things come up or if certain conditions cause limitations in normal friendship relations - but for "friends" who have the time, who are capable of offering more, who supposedly love their friends, who can conveniently come out and support you if you ask them to some event of some sort - I am becoming increasingly irritated with.

Case in point - all of the community events we hosted at The Place during the two years I was there - only a handful of friends ever came when I invited them to. I understand - distance was difficult. Time was difficult. But hey.. Michele came down from San Francisco after a day at work with elementary school kids and Monica came from Fremont (or Berkeley) despite traffic being thick at the time.

Going back to what Gary was saying - people ask you how you are when they greet you.. they ask you about your day.. but then go on some rampaging diatribe about some sort of bullshit. When you throw out feelers sometimes more blunt than coy that you want to talk about something serious.. maybe some self-indulgent bullshit of your own - but there's not even a second of dedication to your shit before the next diatribe starts. Why do you even ask what the hell's going on with me? Why pretend to be polite.. worse.. why pretend to be interested? Just say it: "I want to talk about myself, whatever you're going through is some other shit, but I want to talk about myself."

AHH FUCK IT! That's why I'm reading more now and watching movies. Movie characters remain. Literature characters remain the same. At least on some end, they are reliable.

When you love so infrequently like me - you tend to hold onto certain hopes that despite your mind and soul may completely disagree with, your heart maintains its confidence in those same hopes. For me, [she] can't be anything less than my first love. That doesn't mean that platonic friendship couldn't ever exist in harmony, but the small print on [her] is that she was the first person who I ever felt true love for - the love that allowed me to cry like that the first time, the love that allowed me to hope... the love that truly made me happiest.

A part of the fantasy with a person like this for a person like me revolves around the pedastal [she] is placed on. Because I know her true person - the vulnerable person who talks real, laughs real, smiles real, cries real, and exhales real - I latch on to that intimate beauty.

So, when a person like this enters your life down the road, stupid romantic cliches can hit your head like "I let [her] go and now she's come back". Stupid stuff like that. But even when there are behaviors/ beliefs/ values that have changed over the however many years placed between the last happy time before the break up and the most recent happy moments - even if these differences would turn a "selective" guy like me away from any other girl - I stayed, even for a little bit.

I'm not going through any burn.. or yearning.. after we had the talk and nothing was going on I felt a load lifted from my shoulders. In this case though - the burn I'm relating to is that of knowing that the two entities, no matter how intimately connected or replenishing to each others' souls, should remain independent from each other in that sense while there is the idea that [she] represented something somewhat short of a soulmate.

Basically, it's hard for a person like me to accept and let go of some silly idea that no matter what failed attempts at courting or relationships I may have - in the end, me and [her] will always be right. Because it wouldn't be - we're best as friends and I KNOW this and accepted it already... but being single - and seemingly unfit for any other person in the world - having no one out there who I can confidently say "at least I know we would always make sense" does hurt in a sense. It solidifies my long term singlehood (the singlehood that is a combination of self manifestation and the unwillingness of the women I find compatible to not feel the same).

I love [her] - I truly do, but not in that way - and it burns that the omnipresent idea of a [her] isn't valid anymore.

So it was bringing me back to an interview Joe Perry of Aerosmith did on VH1's top 40/50/100 ballads and he was commenting on "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" - the extremely GRAND power ballad by the group for the Armagedon soundtrack. Anyway, he was saying that when Steven Tyler sang the song in the studio for the first time with the strings that some people in the band were crying - and I'm like.. "DAMN" that's what you call being intimately involved with your music. That is what I aspire to do with all the whatevers I end up crafting. Dope.

Yesterday I talked about seeing the kids graduate - but the daily successes are just as sweet. I really miss working at The Place.. maybe not the situations I placed myself in or were placed in - but I miss my old co-workers. It's so rare to have a workplace where almost ALL the people you work with can inspire you in an instant, who support you, who validate you, who make you laugh, who are truly your family, who understand your field, who understand your passions, etc., etc., etc. I also miss having people around me who I could chill with on a personal level and look up to professionally - like really, really look up to. I miss the talks about the bullshit public policies, funding policies, numbers, society, school administration, work management, etc. I miss checking in with each other personally and professionally - and the fact that you can do both and trust each others judgement whether it was your own personal conflict or a clinical issue regarding the clients. I also miss having a supportive environment where you can share your struggles AND successes with each. Everyday, even if there was bullshit politics all over the place, everyday was golden because you knew the peeps around you were all about the youth, the clients, the families, and the community - and after work there was a camraderie that will eternally be the par I compare other workplace relationships to. *SIGH*

I hope some day we'll be able to get together and work together and change shit together. Pipedream, yeah.. but I still hope.

SHOOT. I started this all irritated and now i'm just fuckin melancholy.

"What you see is what you dream. At least that's a good starting point. Go to the movies if there's one that you need to experience. Rent a few good DVDs if you want a wider range. When you're tuning yourself up for something big, your strategy of the moment is to mix in some new adventures with favorite reruns whose lines you know by heart. You don't need others to play this game with you. If no one else is willing or available, you're perfectly happy to go through with it on your own."

I got STRAIGHT A's! WOOHOO!! Sadly, I didn't work nearly as hard as I needed to - at least not consistently. But still, I got two A pluses, one A, one A minus, and I passed my pass/np class. The grades really were an after thought for me - I just didn't want to struggle and have to worry about covering my ass next year. I learned what I needed to learn this year - and I'm excited about next year's classes and internship. I guess this will help if I apply for a PhD or an EdD program.

GO A's!!! (OAKLAND PLAYERS, that is...)

*~|~|~*~|~*

Saw some of my old clients graduate from high school today. Aw man. I haven't been to one of those since June 2002 and it was such a touching moment. This time around - I was just supporting since I haven't "worked" with any of these kids since last year really... but seeing ALL of the kids and families SO excited about the great accomplishment was so exciting. The BEST part about this graduation and these kids is that all of the ones I knew - and the ones that my friends work(ed) with - struggled. STRUGGLED. STRUGGLED. STRUGGLED! Bad environments, bad friends, bad decisions, bad attitudes, bad habits, etc., etc. etc.. When I met these kids 2 years ago, NONE of them were on pace to graduate, if that. Most of them were far, far, far behind with lots of night school ahead in the future and family probs, gang probs, self esteem probs in the past and present. BUT LOOK WHERE WE WERE TODAY.. CELEBRATING THEIR HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION!!! They are truly the only inspiration needed to humble me. They are so beautiful.

I'm just smiling big!

Anyway, I watched two movies today: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and Cowboy Bebop.

I have two new movies coming in tomorrow, and I'll be sending Cowboy Bebop out immediately.

I'm watching the A's game tomorrow, and I have an extra ticket. Someone better pick it up from me. Shoot.

The good eats continued right from the beginning. I was awaken around 8:50ish completely dead - so dead I was gasping when I was talking. ILLs called me and her friend up at the same time - both of us being dead ass tired but ILLs seemed to be enjoying the psuedo-suffering she was putting us through. Anyway, it was somewhat beneificial that I was awaken because I had to get up for Nik's bday lunch at the Carnelian Room at the top of the Bank of America building. The spot was totally posh and I felt weird eating there - not with the fams, but with the ettiquete. Whatevers.. the food was downright yums. It was a 3 course meal with free champagne and pastries. The pastries were good - not your normal pastries. First course - I had the cream of asparagus soup that proved reputation when I took a piss. Second course was PRIME RIB! Nuff said. Third course was some choclately raspberry creme brulet (sp?). I think I should've went with the Tiramisu standard, but it was good nonetheless.
AFTERWARDS, we drove down Kearny so I could see the progress/digression of the I Hotel. Then we mosied over to Daly City to drop off Nik. We passed by Target and Serramonte first. I bought new basketball shoes finally - Converse All Stars 2k4. Regular looking black shoes but they're simply designed and I think they'll support my shoe. the T-Macs I have need to be retired because they're killing my feet. I'm excited to break them in.
ANYWAY, on the way to the mall, I was dead ass tired, but Michael Jackson History was bumping in the car and when Man in the Mirror hit, I just revived my old performance of it back in the Monarch days. AHH, so fun. But after that whole song - I LOST ALL ENERGY. I was walking around Serramonte squinting my eyes like I just smoked some.

I made my way home to hit up softball practice. I started to practice my new stance as suggested by the Dusty Baker hitting guide book. It felt better - still need a lot of work.

Afterwards, we checked out a local brewery and watched the PISTONS just perform a masterpiece of TEAM DEFENSE against those damn Lakers. It was a beautiful sight seeing the help and recovery on defense. BEAUTIFUL basketball!!!
and then i came home and i'm tired as fuck. good times. more movies tomorrow!!!

I headed home and hit minor traffic, but got home in time. I got distracted because my NET FLIX movies came in. Nik called me and I found that the time was compatible to our schedules. I took BART (4th day in a row) to Berkeley and went straight to the movie. See FLIX NUT for reflections. I dug into more of Catcher in the Rye. Almost done. Eagerly awaiting the Lord of the Rings movies and the books I bought from Half.com.

I actually bought a new copy of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay but I found a cheaper copy on half.com. I'm gonna try to return it. If it doesn't work, then I'm giving someone a nice gift! The other books I bought were "Fuck-Up" by Arthur Nersesian and "The Corrections" by Jonathan Frazen. I'm excited.