Welcome to Priesty´s Chelsea FC Refuge - In memory of Matthew Harding

Surgery Notes
Sir,

Another season over - but this I am sure you will agree was a fucking corker, lasting until the 2nd last game of the season and 46 minutes from the Champs League final. But don't take my word for it, take the test and see what type of person you really are. You know the drill: clear your mind, think of a millpond, calm and serene, and remember to breathe. OK ? Here comes Q1:

Q1. Leeds Utd are:
  1. Unfortunate to have been relegated and the Prem is a worse place without them
  2. Lucky to have stayed in the top flight for 24 years
  3. A bunch of dirty cunts who are in freefall which will end in relegation to the conference in 3 years time
Q2. Who would you prefer to have as manager ?
  1. George Graham
  2. David O'Leary
  3. Gianluca Vialli
Q3. Allan Smith is:
  1. A bright young prospect who needs to learn to manage his anger
  2. A tart with blond hair
  3. A sex case who sucks off his grandpa
Q4. Which do you think is a more suitable pet ?
  1. A pigeon
  2. A whippet
  3. Stamford "I ain't no iron" The Lion
Q5. The Arsenal Vs Preston Debate
  1. You cannot compare the two, as the modern game is far more difficult
  2. Preston won the cup and league without conceding a goal. Arsenal conceded 6 against Chelsea
  3. Arsenal invincible ? They lost to Boro in the milk cup for fuck's sake !
Q6. Didier Deschamps is:
  1. A talented manager
  2. A leather-coated nonce who got lucky
  3. A nonentity who was, with the exception of David Rocastle, the worst player ever to pull on a Chelsea shirt
Q7. Tottenham Hotspur are:
  1. A famous club who deserve to be in the top flight
  2. The 7th best team in London (behind Chelsea, Arsenal, Charlton, West Ham, Palace and Millwall)
  3. A capital joke who have not finished in the top half of the table for 10 years. Way to go, Pleaty !
Q8. Who would you like to see relegated next season ?
  1. Villa
  2. Man Utd
  3. Arsenal
Q9. You are late for the train to an away game to Oldham. The ticket collector asks for your ticket. What do you do ?
  1. Explain you did not have the opportunity to purchase a ticket and offer to pay the full fare
  2. Try and sprint past him with a cheesy grin on your face
  3. Engage him in a bare knuckle fist fight, to the horror of passing Saturday morning shoppers
Q10. You are playing in goal for your Sunday team. You concede from a longe range shot because you were unsighted by one of your defenders, who is a massive, aggressive, ginger twat. What do you ?
  1. Console the defender, telling him it was not his fault
  2. Pick the ball out of the net and aggressively hoof it up the pitch in a show of rage
  3. Completely lose it, screaming at the top of your voice "I can save those if you get the fuck out of the way, you big ginger cunt!"
The answers

Mostly A's

What the fuck are you doing taking this test or logging on to Priesty's site ? My advice to you is to slaughter your family and position their dead bodies in a grotesque parody of a dinner party. You should continue with your job at MacDonald's and then every night come home and discuss your day with your decomposing relatives. No wonder no one likes you and they all think you are a sex case.

Mostly B's

The good news is that you are not a sex case and do not have to slaughter your family. My advice to you is to move out and get your own bedsit, as your parents probably want to turn your bedroom into a study/library. Don't worry, you can still get your mum to do your washing and you can go home every weekend for Sunday lunch. It's never too late to change.

Mostly C's

Do you love cars, pornography, class A's, ultra violence and vodka ? Do you have a soft spot for Newcastle and Bolton? Would you threaten 4 psychos on the West Stand benches to a tear-up because one of them called your mate a muppet ? Do you have a copy of the video Animal Lovers from Brazil, picturing a skinny Brazilian taking a cow from behind on the cover ? If the answer is yes, immediately get down to your local secure psychiatric unit and get yourself sectioned. You are Priesty.

You see my point ?

Les.

It's highly significant, readers, that Les was present at both the incidents featured in Q9 and Q10. I am convinced that without his malevolant influence things would not have turned out the way they did. Furthermore, at least I have mellowed over the years, unlike Les.

For the sake of decency I will resist the temptation to rake up some of the more unsavoury incidents from his own dodgy past, like the time he smashed a shop window with a brick when pissed on Tequila while celebrating my birthday !

Priesty.


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