Cigarettes: 42 (nervous disposition at thoughts of meeting Rabid Canadian)
Flights taken: 1
Over priced Taxis taken: 1
Dirty hotel concierges met: 1
Number of Rabid Canadians met: 1
Got to Nice, v. harassed. Is hot. Am here to watch figure skating. V. impressed with self as lying ghosts to rest.
Meet Michelle, v. impressed except for ignorance of wardrobe situation.
Get lost in Nice, v. unimpressed with lack of signposts. Find arena after 2 hours. Watch pairs find self inexplicably impressed by Chinese.
V. Tired, go to Bed.
Number of numb bums: 2
Degree of uncomfortable ness of seats: 172%
Number of Delirious French Fans: Innumerable
Cigarettes: 26
Alcohol Units: 11 (am on holiday, so allowed)
Weight: (Am on holiday, watching skating so will choose impossible, skater like amount such as 7st 10 lb)
V. Exciting. Got first sighting of Porny Ice dancers as they shimmied up and down the ice. Was compulsory dance today!
Ok, was not v. exciting. Jambon et Fromage roll began to take on familiar flavour as sat and watched interminable renditions of Viennese Waltz and Argentine Tango.
Is not good to think this way, am true fan of figure skating.
Ate impossibly expensive food in 5 star restaurant (was raining) and then to men’s short (What?)
Was v. good especially Yagudin. Am big fan.
Went to Bar.
4am (Gaaaaaah!! Am never drinking again!)
Number of alcohol units: innumerable
Cigarettes: 42
People met: 49
Interesting People met: 7
Rabid Canadians that are still teetotal: 1
Mothers who are pissed off at forgotten birthdays: 1
Woke up inexplicably late. Went to v. convient cyber cafe for breakfast.
Then watched porny skaters (i.e. the ice dancers) practice.
Had v. nice drink with media friend, then to pairs free.
Watched pairs. Boring Russians won. But was v. pissed off with crowd.
Left for bar. Met lots of nice intercontinental skating fans. V. exciting to be classed as 'seasoned traveller of competitions'. And to get invited with other v. seasoned types to late night pizza/bar.
Drink too much, go to hotel. Night porter v. tired.
Number of Canadian skaters met: 120 billion
Friends with Canadian skaters mums made: 1
French Ice Dancers tripping on ice: 1
Number of missing Canadian fans as friendships made with Canadian Skaters: 1
Weight: Have seen pictures with Canadian skaters, so feel 10000 stone. But is OK as lager bag inside self and will embark on 'inner beauty and poise after holiday plan' from next week.
V. Exciting day. Start with Latin OD. V. crucial as Gwendal makes slip. Italians win.
Go to bar, Canadian goes to men’s. Stay in bar and act v. cool and poised as skaters swarm around being.
Make way to men’s. Is v. crap. Leave for bar, convince Weiss Woman to buy v. expensive champagne to celebrate v. surprising bronze medal.
Go to hotel. Phone no one, am unsurprisingly v. deflated by day.
Beers: 40
Depressions: 216
Number of times spent Dialling Cruella in Canada and SusieSue in UK: 317
Number of successful connections: 2
Number of Rabid B&K loving Canadians converted to Gwendal fans: 1
Hmmm...am v. excited today. Is Free Dance! Spent v. exciting day in cyber cafe and then to the arena for the ladies short.
Suppressed the 'inner bitch' as watched impossibly thin beings twirl around ice. HMPH!
To the bar to ravagely (is that a word? hmmm) drink 2 glasses wine and then onto arena again for dance free.
Died in shame as watched v. embarrassing Brits perform 'unique' rendition to ABBA.
V. porny Gwendal and partner won, so in bar to celebrate. Was having 'intercontinental experiences' with other v. experienced fans when Gwendal looking v. relaxed came in.
Affected 'don’t care' mode when played v. funny and amusing French joke on me. No problem. Ignored him in impossibly chic and French way until he left.
Went back to hotel with v. impressed Canadian, now sat here freezing am looking at bottle of beer and Canadian Maple leaf 'candy'. Will consume and have fag.
Oooof! Fell over.
Nice cigarettes: 25
Horrible French Cigarettes: 10
Weight: Am in light, fluffy mood so 8st 2.
Teetotal, non-smoking Canadians Corrupted: 1
Russian Skaters Stalked: 1
Number of times table ordered ‘Kronenbourg 1492’ instead of ‘Kronenbourg 1664’ in honour of Israeli’s Free Dance: 213
Number of times table would dissolve in raucous laughter as same ‘mistake’ was made: 213
Gaaah! Gaaah! Is almost home time. Went to arena. Watched Kwan win. Maria! Where was the inner poise?
To pizzeria for own fans party. V. fun. Love the lovely fans.
Skaters drifted in and out from own skater party across street. Some v. drunk and smoking. Love lovely skaters who are impossibly thin, beautiful and smoking.
Canadian v. impressive. Enters into ‘true spirit of British ness’ by joining in ‘lager lout’ scenario. Smoked too. V. impressed. Life is complete.
5.30 am: To hotel. Just think will drink beer with lovely Rachel and Canadian.
Just think will rest eyes for moment……
Number of miles walked to find ‘Tabac’: Uncountable, but is good for self.
Tired Canadians: 1.
Alcohol units: 5 (v.g)
Depressions at end of skating: 13
Number of times said: ‘Goodbye’: 1427
Went to Gala. V.G. and entertaining. To restaurant. Watched Gwendal throw roses and cards at fans. V. nice.
Ate impossibly expensive and undelicious meal. Left hotel.
Waited for Taxis.
Gwendal showed up. Fans said bye. Got Taxi to dodgy ‘underground’ bar in Old part of Nice. V. Fun. Started raining.
Said V. Fond Farewells. Back to hotel. Packed Case. Bed.
Sore throats: 1
Temperature: Delirious levels.
Nice Taxi Drivers: 1
Sad Hotel Concierges: 2
Sad Canadians: 1 (well, will not count all ‘sad’ Canadians as such, as will be impossible, ridiculously large amount).
Au Revoir Nice. Rained all day. Got Plane. Felt v.sick. Coughed incessantly on plane.
US tourist in next seat gave lots of ‘looks’ when would do this.
Plane arrived on time. Saw Man. Drove home in impossible v. windy and blizzard like weather.
Home again. Kissed v. happy cats and dog. Lay on sofa affecting v. ill and sick wearied traveller effect.