My struggles with a crisis.
Charlie Hueber
04/13/00
Theory and Definition
Many people have dealt with a crisis situation in their lives; this paper is about how I did just that. I am mainly going to discuss the stress caused by an accident in my life and how I dealt with it.
It is said that there are events, which tend to divide your life and that there are things that happen before and after such events. The event described in this paper is such an event for me. The past few years have been lived in constant thought of this event. I have dreamed of ways to fix it, and have thought of how, if I could go back in time what could I have done to solve this problem. The thoughts and actions taken due to my perception of the event have caused many pains and troubles not only to myself but also to my family and friends.
I am going to work through these issues using two models: Towns Diagram of Normal Grief Process will explain what I was going through at this time in my life and Stress Management: An Interpersonal Communication Model, will explain how I dealt with and recovered from all of this. With these two models I will be able to relate to you what was happening in my world and the world of my friends and family.
In order to understand the issues involved, there are some basic definitions we must address.
Grief — A sorrow that occurs due to a loss in ones life. (1)
Depression — In order to be diagnosed you must have at least five of the following symptoms. They must be present during the same two-week period and must represent a change from previous level of functioning.
Stress — "the arousal of body and mind in response to demands made upon it. It is usually a perception of a given situation with which one cannot adequately cope and therefore suffers the consequences." (2)
Eustress — "positive, good stress……….that causes us to desire to take certain challenge." (2)
Distress — "negative stress. This is a nonproductive, destructive stress which is harmful to the mind and body." (2)
Description of Experience
As a freshmen in high school I was the talk of the town. I was on the varsity football team, qualified for state power lifting, placed third at the state track meet and broke all freshmen running records for football. My dream was to play in the NFL, and the entire town of Cushing seemed to believe it could happen. I had it all; not only did I excel in athletics, but also I was near the top of my class, with excellent grades. One event brought all of this down.
On May 15, 1994 my brothers, Eric, Jason and I left on a trip to Longview. We took this trip every month at this time, but this month was special. Each year our church has a graduation for those who have spent four years in seminary. At this graduation they have several other events such as a lecture, a scripture chase, awards banquet, and finally, a dance.
The lecture this year was on the importance of developing your talents. The lecturer, John Woodman, told us how God gave each of us many talents and we should not sit and waste them but live up to our fullest potential. I remember thinking how I felt so happy that I was doing just that. I was taking my athletic ability and doing everything
One of the highlights of each year’s graduation is the scripture chase. Throughout the year we study a different set of scriptures and this year we studied the entire New Testament. We are given a list of forty-five scriptures we are to memorize and the competition only deals with these scriptures. A key word is given and you find the scripture, put your finger in the book and hold your hand up. The clues get harder and harder until only two or three people are left. There were only a few of us left at the end and the scripture is one I'll never forget. The clue was, "We all must set an example in our lives." I knew it and was the first to find it, I had won. At that time I was asked to read the scripture - Matthew 5: 14-16
14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid. 15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candle stick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. 16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your father which is in heaven. (13)
After that, we ate dinner and went to a members home to get ready for the dance. Eric went to pick up his girlfriend Kathrine who was visiting her aunt there in Longview. As we waited for him to return I remember seeing the six o’clock news and the story that stood out was that of a group of teens who were in a bad accident. I remember thinking to myself that nothing bad like that could ever happen to me. Eric returned and we left for the dance.
Our church held a dance for the youth every month but this one was always the biggest. We had a blast! I never stopped dancing nor did my brothers. We were the center of attention as always. After the dance, we volunteered to stay and help clean. We folded chairs, swept, moped, vacuumed, and took down decorations. We finished at around one thirty in the morning. We had an hour drive a head of us. Kathrine remembered that she was to suppose to go to Gladewater instead of her aunt’s house so that added another forty-five minutes to the trip.
We finally left. Eric drove our family van; Jason and I folded out the back seat and fell asleep almost as soon as we had lain down. I remember waking up as we pulled into Katherine’s stop. Eric had asked me to ride up front with him to keep him awake, but I refused, saying that he could handle it.
--From this point on I can only tell you what I was told happened, because I have no memory of these events. --
He couldn’t handle it. On highway I35, after we dropped off Kathrine, Eric fell asleep at the wheel. At approximately 70-80 miles an hour he ran off the road as he woke up he noticed a highway sign directly in front of the van and sharply turned the wheels in order to miss. The van tumbled and he had lost control. As a result of the tumbling van I flew out the window and landed across the highway about 60 feet away. Jason was caught in the van’s blinds and Eric, due to a seat belt, was OK. Jason suffered from sever cuts and scrapes and a cracked sacrum.
Soon after the ride began I "flat lined," showing no pulse or breath. I was in this state for about a minute. My lugs had collapsed and a tube was placed directly to my lungs while a machine breathed for me. An emergency hole was cut in my side to drain excess blood in my lungs. I came to and went straight into surgery. I spent the next 7 hours in surgery, I had broken every rib on the left side of my body, torn the pericardium off of my heart, ruptured my spleen, damaged my kidneys, torn my pancreas, broken my collar bone, and a piece of glass had gone through my leg.
-- The remainder of the story is of my own account. --
I woke up I and the first person I saw was my father. I looked and a line of people were at the door waiting to greet me. Because I was in ICU, they each could only come in one at a time. I had a lot of family and friends there to see me the entire hospital was flooded and the nurses were going wild. Each person who came to see me had the same look of sorrow, fearing that I was going to die.
The next morning I awoke to the face of my mother crying and I couldn’t say much but I asked her why she was crying. She said "Charlie, I love you, please don’t die." I laughed coughing a little saying "Yes Mamm"
The next two day were crucial; doctors constantly visiting, tests always being done, I never understood what was fully going on. I would be in and out of conciseness, sometimes being out 24 hours straight. On my fifth day in the hospital I told my doctor I was moving to a regular room tomorrow. He said he could not grant such a request until my amalayse and insulin levels came down. My reply was a simple "I’ll get on that."
For the first time in five days I made had a conversation with my mother about life. We talked of how precious this life we have here is and of how we sometimes took for granted the blessings given to each of us. My doctor came back with the test results and asking how I did it. My levels of amalayse and insulin were way down. He said he’d "never seen such a thing." The head nurse wheeled me up stairs in my bed and I picked out my new home.
My recovery was slow. The over production of amalayse had broken down the fat in my body and had begun to eat at the muscle tissue. I sat up, then rolled myself around, then began to walk with aid of a walker, then I was making laps on the fourth floor holding nothing but my I.V. pole.
I cried every night while my mother slept. I blamed god, my family, my church — I felt like I had been served a terrible injustice. But one night I prayed, I asked god to make me normal again. Never before have I put so much feeling into one prayer. Thus began my recovery process.
Behavior Analysis
Have you ever done something so stupid you wish you could take it back or go back in time and change it; or have you ever done something you couldn’t help, an accident, and wished the same thing? My life seems to be filed with such moments. It is hard to believe that in mere seconds your life can change forever. I began by describing my life divided into halves before the wreck and after. For the first few years this was a moment where I wished I could change what had happened. Now I’m happy with who I am. This section is how I came from the bottom and worked my back to the top.
I believe two models explain best how I dealt with all that had happened to me through this event, Towns Diagram of Normal Grief Process, and Stress Management: An Interpersonal Communication Model.
The first of these models is Towns Diagram of Normal Grief Process. I choose this diagram because when I read it I realized a connection between my accident and the reality that I dealt with it in a very normal way. The Diagram explains that as you travel through life you have losses, either anticipated or unanticipated. You then cycle through emotions taking a passive or active approach and deal with the loss theological or philosophical. (3)
For me the loss was very unanticipated. I was leading a "perfect" life, why would any of this happen to me? One minuet I am dancing the night away the next I’m waking up in a hospital in shock or disbelief of what happened. Sometimes we can see bad things coming they are just a part of our every day life. (3)
I believe that at fist I dealt with this accident in a very passive way because I could not understand any reasoning behind my pain. I felt as if I could do nothing; I was helpless.
According to Towns Diagram you cycle through emotions as you deal with your crisis. (2) The first is shock. I was very shocked. I went to sleep in a van and woke up in a hospital. It was the initial shock of being in a strange place that effected me the most. I then hit a state of panic where I could think of nothing but what is going to happen next. As I moved to my new room the weeping began each night I would cry my eyes dry. The more and more sorry I felt for myself the more anger I built up towards anyone, I felt someone was to blame. As I searched for that person the finger I was pointing began to point at me. Guilt set in. The ‘ifs’ were in my mind; if I would have done this or that maybe this could have happened. This guilt had led eventually to depression.
Kubler Ross said that two types of depression existed, reactive and preparatory. The first is simply a reaction to the loss itself. Preparatory is a preparation to give up. (4) I believe that between the two I had more of a reactive type of depression. The thought of death or giving up life had not crossed my mind. I was depressed simply as a reaction to my situation. I felt sorry for myself. For the first time in my life I felt as though I could not do anything for myself.
According to Towns Diagram you use two thoughts of reasoning to work through these emotions, theological and philosophical. The philosophical method of reasoning is a more rational attempt to find solutions. I believe I took the theological method and applied it to my situation. Theological is simply saying you are looking for spiritual strength to aid you in your journey to recovery. I found spiritual guidance through the scriptures and prayer. The Pettys stressed that we should never underestimate the power of prayer. (5) I feel that it was because of the constant prayers from my family and myself that I survived.
This was the beginning of my active participation in my own self-recovery. I began to feel the need to get out of my bed and move. I began to walk again slowly but surly. I mentioned taking laps around the hospital floor in my gown pushing my I.V. pole. I felt as though no one else was making it happen I needed to. Dr. Richard Wemhoff says that as we cope with a disaster we arrive at a point of independence where the world seems to be against us and it becomes a war or a battle for our life and we take and active role. (6) I did just that through prayer and my efforts I actively fought for my life.
Towns then says we move on to a "New Normal Life." I did reach this point when I was released from the hospital I had to begin a new normal life, well somewhat normal. I still was a very weak person and could only eat certain items of food, but I was happy to be going home.
Within this new life we see moments of regrieving. These next few years became the most stressful times in my life. Events that happened in school and at home made me feel the pressure to be successful despite my current conditions, I began to attempt everything.
Towns, Stress Management: An Interpersonal Communication Model, says it best — Stress + Pressure — Support System = Breakdown. (2) Here we look at how if the stress and pressure build up and the support system fails breakdown will result. This I simple to understand in my life. The stress of my accident and the pressure to become the person I was minus my ability to cope with it lead to a breakdown.
This breakdown was during the my second week home from the hospital. I was at home attempting to do push-ups and I tore the scar tissue on my back open. Blood was on everything. My mother ran in and administered first aid. I sat and thought to myself why bother. I should just give up. My support system had failed me. Towns says that "stress is more that wear and tare on your body. It also involves the mental and spiritual. A person undergoes chemical changes under stress." He also mentions how the body under goes a fight or flight response. I started out fighting I was walking everyday and really trying to get my body to a normal condition, Then in that one moment the ‘flight’ kicked in, my mind and body gave up hope. It was a the build up of stress and pressure that caused this breakdown the rip in my back simply triggered it. Towns goes on to say the stress is "cumulative. When on reaches a point of prolonged stress threshold, then breakdown may occur. (2)
This breakdown can be explained by looking at the "connection between mind and body behavior." Towns says, that there are several types of "typical stressors." The first, being physical. He states:
When a person has an illness due to disease, there is body chemistry physical stress. When the physical body is involved in an injury or accident there is physiological stress to the system. If you are physically exhausted, then the body stress depletes not only physical but also mental and emotional energies. (2)
My body was ‘exhausted’ I had worked to hard at becoming normal. The second type of stressor that applied to my situation are psychological and social. Towns credits these stressors to "low self-esteem, self-deprecation, self-disgust, or anything that threatens security, safety or way of life." Each of these applied to me in my life at this time. I had a low self-esteem I felt like I could do nothing of value. I was disgusted with my body I was skinny and weak not the athlete I wanted to be. My way of life had changed and I felt psychological and social stress. The last stressor that applied to my life is environmental which also includes places and situations. According to Towns these stressors are apparent when we fail to do things as we desire. For me it was mainly sports. I wanted to play football, run track, lift weights, and be as good as I was before. but I couldn’t due to my physical state. This caused enormous amounts of stress. It hit the hardest at school.
Jack Smith states that the toughest environment for a teen after an accident is his/her school. (7) This held true for me, in school it seemed as though I was reminded only of things I could not do. Every person in my class felt sorry for me. I was not looking for pity. All the things I missed were found in school, sports, band, and my friends. It was hard to sit and watch this and not be able to participate fully. I’m not a watcher I’m the person that does.
Towns calls stress management a "decision-making process." According to Stress Management: An Interpersonal Communication Model we have three ways stress can be dealt with. We can Alter it, Avoid it, or Accept it by building resistance or changing perception. This can be called the AAAbc model. The first A stands for alter. Here you remove the source of stress. In my case the only way to remove stress is time travel. Not yet possible. The second A stands for avoid well also not possible. Then we look at accept. Here Towns says this involves equipping oneself mentally and physically. B stands for building resistance. I did strive to exercise slowly as I built on to my personal program.. C stands for change. By this you must change your perception of your situation. This is the one most helpful strategy I used in recovering from my wreck. I had misconceptions of being the best and succeeding at everything. This was completely unrealistic and ignorant. It was time I woke up and saw the facts. That the best medicine for my body was time. I could not out run time and needed to learn patience. Lessons that hit hard.
What I did effectively.
Of everything I did, I believe the number one reason that everything worked out was because I never gave up hope on my life. At no time was I considering suicide. I always knew I would live through this.
I also see how effective not hiding my feelings helped others help me. Leslie Faught tells us "Don’t play Ostrich," when you are feeling helpless or hurt. (8) I didn’t play Ostrich. I was out there trying to make sense of all the madness in my life. I also credit my recovery to a constant search. When I decided to take an active role in my own recovery I felt like a better person.
I set goals. Steven Covey states that one of the best habits a person can have is too set and maintain goals. (9) With this accident I did just that. I always had specific goals for each day, for each week, and for each month. I worked every waking minute on those goals.
Dorothy McMullen states, "one thing anyone can do to lower stress is to find some quiet time daily, taking ten minutes a day to be alone with ones thoughts". Each day I would do just that. In the woods behind my house I would take a walk every day. I would pray and listen to nature. These times during my crisis were the most relaxed and most helpful. (10)
I became a jokester. McMullen also states
There are many medical studies that document how laughter lowers blood pressure and triggers the release of endorphins, the bodies natural painkillers. It is believed that 100 to 200 laughs a day is equivalent to about 10 minutes of jogging.…Laughter eases the tension that stress produces in our bodies.
I believe if any thing I was forced to develop a sense of humor.
What those closest to me did effectively.
My mother — Of all those who stood by me my mom did more. She quit her job in order to stay with me in the hospital. She slept each night in the hospital with me for months. She gave up smoking because she would have to leave the room to smoke and she could not do it. I never asked her for anything but yet she still gave more than everything. I cannot describe the love I felt from her. No one person could sacrifice more for another without giving their life. I know she would have done just that. Chad Brantly said it is just important to be there for someone so they do not feel alone. (11) My mother was there every minute. I woke up one night in the hospital after a bad dream and turned my head to see my mother crying. I asked her why and she said, "I see your pain and can’t stop it, I wish it were me." I never forgot that and will always remember that dedication and love.
What did my mother do that was effective? She loved me.
My brother Jason — Growing up a year apart in age from each other Jason and I were the best of pals. For the first week I was in the hospital so was Jason. I remember calls during the day, Jason would call ICU and tell the nurse to let him talk to me. He was so persuasive that even though we were not allowed calls, the nurse held the phone as Jason talked to me. At one point he even got an orderly to wheel his entire bed with traction and everything to ICU so he could see me. When I moved to my new room Jason would visit daily and we would watch TV, tell jokes, and pull pranks on the nurses.
What did Jason do that was effective? He made me laugh.
What I did ineffectively.
The most ineffective thing I did was expect too much from myself. My expectations of being successful at all things was over done. I wanted to be my old self and had to realize It could never happen. I also refused help from my friends they were not listed in those who effectively helped me because I would not let them. I shut out all communication with them because I was ashamed. I was too independent. Doing more than I should. I would be come irritated easy. I sometimes had outbursts of anger where I blamed everyone for my problems. My body was already overloaded and I threw more on the plate. I kept myself super busy in order to forget about the problem, hoping I was fixing it without thinking about it. Dr. Michael Carr says that people tend to overload themselves when dealing with problems and cause further stress because of this overload. (12)
What others did ineffectively.
My school & church — At school it was the constant pity that drove me nuts. Everyone meant well but I’m very independent and did not want the type off attention I was getting. I could hear them say how they felt sorry for me or how they were glad it was not them. The school would not allow me to be me. Everyone at church asked millions of questions, giving my family all kinds off foods. It was appreciated but not needed. The bombardment of food and questions made it hard to go to church because I did not want people to feel sorry for me.
My brother Eric — In all of my blaming I never blamed him for what happened. Yet the first time I saw him after the wreck was when I left the hospital. He would come to see Jason and wait outside my room when he came with the rest of my family. I never understood why. Of all the events occurring after my wreck this hurt me the most and remains a mystery.
Personal Impact
Value what you have! This is the most important lesson I have learned from this crisis. I feel that as we grow as humans we need experiences like this to wake us up. I look at the person I was before this happened and thank God for waking me up as to who I can really be. My life before the wreck revolved around popularity and myself. I cared more about impressing others than I did my family. I loved my friends above all. I learned the meaning of family when this happened. Family are always family, friends come and go. My life now is about having fun and helping others. I believe that I am more of a servant. I learned that you can find happiness in helping. I learned that I can do anything with a little patience and hard work. That year in football I was voted all-district, but it didn’t matter that I was successful it was the fact I could do it and have fun with it win or lose. I have learned that people are for the most part good. That life is precious and we should stop to smell the roses and look to the sky. I have become the outgoing person I have always wanted to be. I was shy and cared only about sports, but my wreck has taught me to ‘Seize the Day’ I have often thought ‘what if none of this had ever happened’ and I’m become frightened by the person I would be.
I believe in many ways we cycle through every situation in the pattern of Towns Diagram of Normal Grief Process. We travel along in life waiting for something to happen. It happens whether we expect it or not and we have a choice to actively deal with it or passively sit and watch the parade go by. We then cycle through emotions using a theological, or philosophical approach. We then come to life after the event with certain occurrences triggering the memory of the event in our mind.
I believe that stress like many other terms used is solely dependant upon perception. If an individual thinks they cannot handle something, then they can’t. A self-fulfilling prophecy. With Towns AAAbc model of stress intervention. Wee see three ways to deal with stress, alter, avoid, and accept. The key in any stressful situation is evident in his statement in order to accept stress you must change your perception of the situation. I believe that a positive attitude can help solve this problem also.
Proactive Response and Future Application
I will never let opportunity to tell my friends and family how much I care for and love the pass me by. I will take advantage of the gifts God has given be. I will always be thankful for this second chance at life. These are a few resolutions I have come up with because of my wreck. They seem lofty but I can do it. Towns Diagram of Normal Grief Process has shown me just how normal my reaction to the wreck was. At the time I felt as though I was singled out or being punished, but I now know that I was feeling the same thing many people feel everyday. It is what I choose to do with this knowledge that helps me stand out. I am now a people person. I believe that through a positive servant attitude I can fulfill a purpose in my life.
I know if an event such as this were to ever occur again, I would be better prepared to handle the crisis. I know that I am a stronger person because of this. I have applied the lessons learned here. I give thanks to God who has given me the ability to be strong and survive despite odds. I value my family who offer love, care for, and give hope to me everyday. My eyes are now open. I would suggest to any person who might read this to think about whether or not yours are open, if not open them it is worth it.