Back to Everton
Two boys are playing football in a park in Liverpool when a huge, vicious
rottweiler runs and starts savaging one of them. The other child sees the
opportunity and picks up a plank they where using to mark the goal. He
slides the plank under the beasts collar and with a quick twist breaks the
dogs neck, killing it instantly. The other child is shaken but otherwise
unhurt.
A passing reporter saw the whole event and sees his chance to fill the front
page. He rushes over and, whilst congratulating the boy on such a brave act,
he begins to scribble the headline of the story.....
"LIVERPOOL FAN SAVES BOYS LIFE!", he writes. "But I'm not a Liverpool fan",
says the boy, somewhat offended. "Oh sorry", says the reporter changing his
headline to -
"EVERTON FAN IS HERO IN DOG ATTACK!" "But I'm not an Everton fan" says the
boy. "Well which team do you support?" asked the exasperated reporter. "Man
United" says the boy proudly. "Oh", says the reporter changing his headline
to:
"SCUM BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET"
If you look on the Unofficial Manchester United page (you can click on that btw - I don't know why it hasn't changed colour!), you can find a truly GROSS picture of Paul Scholes, if you are so inclined and have a very strong stomach!!! (WARNING: nudity!)
This is an article from one of our newspapers (the Mirror, if I must admit to it!) after Beckham was sent off in Brazil recently. Miriam Stoppard is an agony aunt in England.
I am dictating this to a security guard, I mean writing this to you, from the steps of a big stadium in Brazil, where I will be sitting tonight watching my mates at work.
First, let me assure you it is not a stamp on the front of this letter but a mistimed tackle, okay?
Anyway, I am a 24-year-old married man with a serious problem.
It is something I have tried to raise with my boss, but his nose turned even redder than normal and he screamed: "I cannae sort yer hid out, ya big jessy. It's no me ya need, it's Miriam f****** Stoppard. So here goes. The problem is my wife. Everything was fine before I met her.
I loved my job. All I had to do was to kick a ball accurately on to the heads of my pals for 90 minutes every week, and they would give me £2 million-a-year.
Then I met her. A pop singer, well a pop something nearing the end of her career, who told me we could make our massive piles of money even bigger if we kept being photographed at night.
The deal was simple. She would get to look deep and mysterious and I would look like a pretentious transvestite. Well, not knowing what either of those words meant, Miriam, I went along with her because she has a lovely bum.
Anyway, she made me dye my hair, wear matching clothes and head-bands, own a matching dog, tattoo our baby's name above my bum and buy matching rings. (She told me afterwards that meant we had to sit on a throne and say "I do" to a glossy magazine editor with a big cheque.)
It got worse. She said the vows meant we had to share all our earthly goods, and that unless I wore her skirts and knickers she would tell everyone I wanted to leave my job and work abroad.
So I did. But we were getting so much publicity out of it she wanted to go further. And last week she told me that unless I changed my name to The Artist Formerly Known As Beckham she would go on live TV and tell everyone I wore her knickers, thus making me the saddest sight at a football ground since Peters and Lee (ancient singing duo: man was blind!) played Maine Road.
All week it's been hell. I walk along Rio beaches trying to look anonymous in my designer shades, skimpy clothes with two dozen security guards. But I am very confused. As I stare at all the tall and tanned and young and lovely girls from Ipanema in their bikinis I can't help thinking: "I wonder if you can buy that skimpy little number back home?"
During Thursday's game I reached rock bottom and am convinced I now need help. I was up against this Mexican, trying to suss him out, when just before half-time curiosity got the better of me.
A high ball came over, he threw his leg in the air, and using my studs I tried to drag back his shorts to find out if, like me, he had decided to wear a thong in this searing heat.
Before you know it I was sent off and all over the newspapers again, which made my wife very happy. But I am in despair as the man with the red nose keeps swearing at me.
What can I do? I keep trying to tell her all I want to do is play football.
But, unlike me, she just won't wear it.
Yours
The artist formerly
known as Beckham.
(Thanks to "The Mirror")
Introduction
Warning - vitriolic drivel follows (it's a laugh remember - Fergie's a darling). Mainly for the benefit of overseas fans, everyone in the UK knows it already.
So universally despised, they deserve a whole section to themselves. Never in the field of football conflict has one team been so hated by so many for so much. Why? Jealousy would say Man Utd fans, I think not. People are envious of their success, but NO-ONE is jealous of a Man Utd supporter, it's the last thing in the world you would want to be. The great sides of the past, provoked jealousy at their success, but never the widespread hatred of Man Utd fans and the team. 3 main reasons :
- The biggest bunch of whingers and moaners gathered at one club, ever!. The biggest culprit of the lot Mr Alex Ferguson, leads by example! They've won everything and they're still bloody whinging!
- Favouritism. Your more likely to hear Alex Ferguson criticise one of his players than see an opposition penalty at Old Trafford, and if they did get one it would be disallowed. If Utd get a penalty they’re allowed to retake it until they score. If you're one nil up towards the end of the game, you'll get 15 minutes injury time (or until Utd score), if you're one nil down, you'll get 2 seconds injury time.
- The Fans. Lets make a clear distinction here, there's football fans and their Man Utd fans and hardly ever do the two go together. For Man Utd fan read Glory Hunter, one of the biggest jokes about Man Utd fans is that they all live outside Manchester. The thing is it's no joke, it's fact. You'll see more kids walking round London wearing Man Utd shirts than you will in Manchester. Most of these kids will never of been north of Watford in their lives, that ain't what being a footballer supporter is. You don't support a club because they win trophies, you support them because fate made you a supporter and you stick with them through thick and thin. Man Utd are one giant bandwagon with nothing in common with real football supporters. Man Utd fans are arrogant, smug, glory hunting, non-mancunians who shouldn't even be classed as football fans.
If there's one thing that unites Everton/Liverpool, Spurs/Arsenal, Newcastle/Sunderland fans is the dislike of Man Utd fans.
To be fair there are some good United fans who can claim to be legitimate fans and are OK people, if you find one make sure you shake their hand and take a photo - they're very rare!
OK - got that, you're now up to speed about Manchester United.
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Jokes
Money saving tip for Man Utd fans - rather than waste more money on yet another replica kit, simply strap a large rubber dildo to your head, it'll be perfectly obvious to everyone who you support.
Anagrams : Manchester United
- Urine Detatchments
- Cremated Nun Sh**e
- Hesitant Crude Men
Q.What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and a jet engine??
A: A jet engine eventually stops whining!!!!
Q.What's the difference between Schmeichel and Pamela Anderson?
A: Pammy's only got two tits in front of her
Q.What have a three pin plug and Man U got in common?
A.They're both useless in Europe.
Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a lightbulb? ...
A: Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!
Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
Andy Cole is ill, so Alex Ferguson offers to go shopping for him. While in the local supermarket, he bumps into Roy Evans. "Hello, Alex, what are you doing here?"
"I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Andy Cole."
"Sounds like a fair swap to me!!"
Andy Cole.
What do posh Spice & Andy Cole have in common?
They're both f***ing sh** footballers!
What do Man Utd & a 3 pinned plug have in common?
They're both useless in Europe
Have you heard about the new Roy Keane alarm clock.....
It goes off every 20 minutes
Did you hear about the Conservative MP who was found dead in a Man United strip? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarassment.
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Man U fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable."
I have just heard that Alex Ferguson has appealed to UEFA regarding the latest failure to win the European Cup despite Man Utd being the richest club in the world. Apparantly, he has said that if his request for a goal extension had been granted then United would have won 5-1. He said if nothing else UEFA should consider increasing goal sizes, and this should be used retrospectively, to include Wednesday 23-4-97. Therefore, the video can be studied and through the use of a panel made up of Bobby Charlton, George Best, Alex Ferguson and David Ellary the real result of last nights game will become apparant.
He also went on to say "I don't want people to think that I don't like losing, its just that we were fantastic, and if it wasn't for the whole world being against us, we would have won comfortably. The least UEFA and the FA can do is award the result to us, if they don't then I will have no choice but to stamp my feet and scream until I'm sick !!!"
UEFA have not issued a comment at this stage.
An antique collector walks into a store in a place called Hamlyn. He sees a small brass rat on the shelf. After looking for any other bargains in the store, he decides he wants to buy the rat. He asks the storekeeper "How much for the brass rat?" The storekeeper says "Ten marks for the rat. One hundred and twenty marks for the story." The guy says "What's the story?" The storekeeper says "I wont tell you unless you give me a hundred and twenty marks." The collector says "Skip the story", pays for the rat, and walks out of the store.
He puts the rat in his backpack and starts riding his bike across the nearest bridge. A short time later, the guy looks behind him and sees a rat following him. This strikes him as odd, but not unheard of, so he pedals on. A moment later he hears cars honking behind him and turns around to see a pack of about a dozen rats following him. He turns and pedals faster. Finally, as he nears the other side of the bridge he looks behind him and sees hundreds of rats chasing him. He concludes that the rats must be chasing the brass rat and decides this is too much. He stops his bike, pulls the rat from his pack and throws it off the bridge into the river.
He watches as the huge pack of rats jump off the bridge and drown. Relieved but curious, the guy pedals back to the antique store. The storekeeper sees him come in, shakes his head, and says "You should have bought the story. You can still have it for one hundred and twenty marks." The guy shakes his head and says "Forget the story. How much for the brass Manchester United Supporter?"
Miscellaneous
*******************************************
OFFICIAL MANCHESTER UNITED PLC SUPPORTERS QUESTIONNAIRE. WE WANT TO ENSURE THAT ALL OF OUR FANS GET SERVICED BY THE CLUB *******************************************
SECTION ONE - ABOUT YOU
United Membership Number : __________________ This number can be found on back of Official United Megastore Club card, probably blu-tacked to your headboard, underneath pictures of Ryan Giggs and Pamela Anderson. You don't have a girlfriend do you? Thought so.
Cost of membership? £_____
How much are you prepared to pay next season? £_____
Even if it doesn't guarantee you any tickets for any of the games? ___
Sorry, I forgot. You get free admission to United reserves games. In Bury. And a badge. Bargain.
Your Preferred United Kickoff Time: Sunday 4pm / Monday 8pm
Your home town: London / Basildon / St Ives / Manchester (like really)
Your big match seat: Sofa / Armchair / In bed (with Giggsy bedspread)
Your view: Biased / Blocked (picture of Beckham) / Blocked (beer belly)
Have you ever considered going to Old Trafford? ___
Where were YOU when United were s**t?
TICK all of the teams that you've supported over the past five years:
Blackburn Rovers ___ Leeds United ___ Arsenal ___
TICK all of the teams you'll be supporting next year?
Newcastle United ___ Glasgow Rangers ___
Number of your mates who now support United? _____
Number of mancunians (if any): _____
Number claiming to be lifelong United fans? _____
SECTION TWO - UNITED FACTS AND FIGURES 1995/96 SEASON
Number of punches thrown by Beckham, Keane and Butt? _____
Number of times Beckham, Keane and Butt told ref to F*CK OFF? _____
Define, in your own words, the meaning of the phrase "role model".
Number of yellow cards United got? _____
Number of red cards United got? _____
Number of disciplinary points accumulated this year? _____
Number of dives by Beckham? _____
Number of unsporting guestures to opposition fans? _____
Number of bookings got away with due to referee's being scared of Fergie? _____
Number of bookings reversed by the FA due to the FA being scared of Man Utd? ____
_ Take time to express your true feelings of pride at these statistics. In fact why not set up your own internet page just to broadcast the fact. And while you're about it. let's hear why Eric shouldn't have been kicked out of football again...
SECTION THREE - THE FOOTBALLING ESTABLISHMENT
1. Number of decisions that go Uniteds' way when they're losing? ___
2. Number of incorrect and blatantly biased decisions? ___
Does Total 2 minus Total 1 equal zero? It does? Thought so.
Now define the word "cheat". Extra marks for using the word "bribery".
Tick HERE ____ for your very own personalised copy of the Official Salford Refereeing Alliance Handbook
SAMPLE:
If United are losing, how many minutes does "injury time" last?
CIRCLE 1 2 3 7 25 120 9538
If United are winning, how many minutes does "injury time" last?
CIRCLE 0 0 0 0 0 0 5 mins early
Just why do BSkyB TV host, update and sponsor the United WWW page?
Just why do the BBC hold shares in Manchester United PLC?
Just explain the concept of fair and unbiased football coverage. Go on.
SECTION FOUR - UNITED IN THE FUTURE
PLAYER OF THE SEASON
David Beckham ___ (he's such a sportsmen and role model for young kids)
Nicky Butt ___ (even if he's been suspended for half the season)
The Referees ___ (get United more goals than Cole and at half the price)
THE TRANSFER MARKET
Name the next youth player you'd like to see approached by United. What underhand, illegal tactics and incentives should be employed this time?
Now, amaze all your friends by turning Sheep Sh*t into King in just ONE season with "The Cross Pennines Transfer Request" kit. Truly astounding!
Available at your local United Megastore and endorsed by Howard Wilkinson.
UNITED COLOURS OF MANCHESTER
What colour would you like next seasons kits to be???
Home kit:
Away kit:
Second Away kit:
Sunday Afternoon kit:
Monday Evening Exclusively Sponsored by Ford and Sky WWW page kit:
Midweek Print-your-own-Money European Super League kit:
Do you intend buying them all? You do? Thought so.
SECTION FIVE - THE QUIZ ON MANCHESTERs FAVOURITE SON - ANDY COLE
1. How much did Andy cost? £__,___,___,___,___,___,___,___,___.00p
2. How much? You must be joking???
3. Number of shots Andy had during the season??? ___
4. Number of Andy's shots that hit the bar? ___
5. Number of Andy's shots that hit the post? ___
6. Number of Andy's shots that hit the corner flag? ___
7. Number of Andy's shots that hit the keeper? ___
8. Number of Andy's shots that hit the roof (of the stadium)? ___
9. Number of Andy's shots that hit the bar (of the nearest pub)? ___
Now add up the totals for questions 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.
They should add up to the total for question 3. They do? Thought so.
Which ONE of the following DID Andy Cole manage to hit this season?
Back of the Net ___ Decent Cross ___ Barn Door ___ Opponent ___
BSkyB's best excuse for Andy Cole missing an open goal this year???
Re-arrange the following words to form a popular mancunian expression:
"Andy Cole a is crock of sh*t".
And...just how far up Alex Ferguson's a**e are most of the 'journalists' in this country.
Read this to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.
Is this the Moss Side? Or is this just Fantasy? (gone AND forgotten)
Taught by the lies from Matt Busby's theatre of dreams
Open your eyes, look right through the lies and see
He's just a French g*t
Deserving no sympathy
Because he's hit them high
Hit them low
Karate kick or body blow
Anyway the s*d goes doesn't really matter to me
To me
Mama, just kicked a man
Put my studs into his chest
Then I slapped him round the head
My career had only begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, je suis merde, didn't mean to blow my top
If I p*ss off to France some time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, cos ze Manc's dont really matter.
Lately I have done wrong
That's what I tell the press
But I really couldn't care less
Goodbye everybody, I'm due in court
But by the start of October I'll be back
Mama oooooooo
I don't want to sign
I sometimes wish I'd never left France at all
I see a little leather jacket on a man
Sacre bleu, sacre bleu! I will kick his f**kiing head in!
Adidas or Nike might take all those ads off me
Manchestero (Manchestero)
Manchestero (Manchestero)
Manchestero, I've got to go (so pay me moooooooore)
I'm just a French boy, nobody loves me
(he's just French boy from a French family, can't blame the parents for this monstrosity)
Easy come, easy go - red card you will show
Referee? Noooo! You must not send me off (send him off)
Referee? He's going to send me off (send him off)
Referee? He's gone and sent me off (sent him off) I'll have my early bath (early bath)
Another early bath (early bath)
Non! Non! Non! Non! Non! Non! Non! Non!
Man Utd, Man Utd, Man Utd will not let me go
Dementio has a pay rise put aside for me, for me, for meeeee
Yes I think I can kick them and spit in their eye
Yes I know they hate me and I don't care why
Oh baby, I would like to join AC
I'd like to sign for Milano
Nothing really matters, anyone can see
None of all this matters, nothing really matters to me.
Anywhere that pays well for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Manchester United 7 Chelsea 1
Manchester United's march towards the double continued today after a stunning Semi-Final display at Old Trafford where it had been switched due to a request from referee Neil Dunn who said it was the only venue where he could ensure fairplay and get away with it.
United went ahead just before the kick-off when Gary Neville's through- ball sent the linesman away down the right flank. His cross was handled on the half-way line by a Chelsea defender, and Eric Cantona stepped up to slot the ball home for his 65th penalty of the season, after hitting both posts and the bar. It was no more than United deserved.
The 15th minute saw the Super Reds go two up after Steve Clarke was penalised for coughing just outside the area. Eric Cantona's free kick was handled by Dan Petrescu , struck first time by Giggs, hit the back of a defender's boot, bounced up, struck the rim of a spectator's spectacles and floated, assisted by a freak wind, into the top corner of the Chelsea net. It was no more than United deserved.
The 21st minute saw more trouble for Chelsea, when Ruud Gullit was sent off for enquiring about referee Neil Dunn's red shirt. Two minutes before the interval Chelsea struck back after an amazing piece of good fortune, Dennis Wise hitting home the rebound after a shot had been stopped on the line by the referee. Man U could scarcely believe their bad luck. Alex Ferguson threw down his programme and wouldn't talk to anyone for ten minutes. The restart saw unsportsmanlike Eddie Newton making ridiculous claims for a penalty after Steve Bruce had accidentally beaten up Scott Minto. The referee had missed the incident due to his red scarf flowing in his eyes. Ten minutes later Ferguson took off Andy Cole and replaced him with three other players.
Man Utd's third came after Zola had been caught offside in his own penalty area. Ryan Giggs took the free-kick, which bobbled home after hitting the underside of the floodlights. The referee claimed the final touch. It was no more than United deserved.
Super-marvel-wonder-Reds goal number four came after ninety-eight minutes after Steve Clarke had conceded a penalty for blatantly glancing at the referee. It was no more than United deserved.
So 4-1 at full time, but referee Neil Dunn sportingly agreed to call it 7-1 after Ferguson threatened to cry and stamp his feet if he didn't. It was no more than United deserved....
Interpreters reported that most of Man United's fans said they had never seen United lose and so would seriously consider going to a second game as long as it was the FA Cup Final, held at Old Trafford and refereed by Neil Dunn, and they could get a better hotel room the next time they came to England..
DO YOU COME FROM MANCHESTER ?
DO YOU HAVE RELATIVES IN MANCHESTER ?
DO YOU LIVE NEAR MANCHESTER ?
If you say NO to these three questions, you are an ideal person to become a fan of
MANCHESTER UNITED
Yes, this is your big chance to join the ever-growing army of glory hunters who can be seen around the country in the colours of The Sc*m. To join the newly-formed club, simply send in a map with a cross marking where you think the city of Manchester is. In the unlikely event of there being two correct entries and thus a tie, fill in the tie-break question at the bottom of the page.
* YOU COULD WIN *
FIRST PRIZE: Brand new, 'S' registration Ford Bandwagon for you and the others to jump on. This prestige vehicle comes with many features, including stereo radio ( pre-set to come on at 4:45pm every Saturday as you, of course, won't be at the game ).
SECOND PRIZE: One years supply of new design Manchester United shirts. These will be despatched to you weekly.
THIRD PRIZE: A complete supply of Manchester United programmes from the games that you have attended. Both will be sent in the same envelope.
Tie Breaker ( in no more than 12 words )
I feel it necessary to follow a football team that I have absolutely no connection with because:
......................................................................
......................................................................
Name: ...........................
Address: ........................
........................
........................
Age:....... Mental Age:.......
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Choose United
To the tune of Choose Life (Trainspotting!)
Choose United.
Choose 7 failed attempts at the European Cup.
Choose to be knocked out of Europe 9 times in 10 seasons.
Choose to be the European laughing stock.
Choose to waste countless millions.
Choose to support a team from a city you've never even been to.
Choose whining.
Choose to wear shit grey shirts then blame them when Southampton stuff you.
Choose to release Cantona because he's the only one who recognises how s**t Cole is.
Choose cheating.
Choose not to condemn your player after he has just been convicted of murder.
Choose to spend your career in the reserves because the money's good.
Choose a psychopathic Irishman for your captain and call him a gifted visionary.
Choose to waste 7 million on Cole.
Choose the arrogance to field your reserve team and then bleat about the consequences.
Choose not to be liked by anyone and pretend not to care.
Choose your own referee and assistants - except in Europe.
Choose a Scandinavian paper boy as your top goal scorer.
Choose to have the biggest squad in British football and then complain about injuries.
Choose your club before your country.
Choose Wales before England.
Choose Paddy Roach.
Choose to be arse-licked by the media and then accuse them of anti-United bias.
Choose to forget 1975 to 1989 ever existed.
Choose to change the team you support every 10 years.
Choose to shield your players from TV interviews until they can read and write.
Choose Remi Moses.
Choose to change your kit 6 times a season.
Choose self-deception and delusions of grandeur.
Choose the highlight of your club's history as an air disaster.
Choose to poach your "impressive youth policy" from other clubs.
Choose to sign a world class centre forward beginning with SH and pretend not to care when you get Sheringham instead of Shearer.
Choose to go for the Triple then end up with f**k all.
Choose embarrassment. CHOOSE UNITED!