THIS IS THE JUNK E-MAIL HALL OF FAME
(OR SHAME).

INDULGE YOURSELF...

You may be addicted to the Internet, if...

1. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... and your child in the overhead compartment.

4. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5. Only communication in your household is through email.

6. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

7. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

8. Choice between paying CompuServe bill and paying for kid's education is easy -- if a little painful for your kids.

9. Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.

10. Your dog has its own home page too.

11. Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.

12. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

13. You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.

14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

15. When your car is crashing through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the Back button.

Got a better joke? Email them to jobjokes@bridgepath.com

"Fifty Fun Things To Do On The First Day Of Class,"
by Alan Meiss

  • Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"

  • Wear x-ray specs. Every five minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

  • Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
    Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

  • When the professor calls your name in roll, respond, "That's my name, don't wear it out!"

  • Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute."

  • Give the professor a copy of the Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

  • Wear eramuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

    Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

  • Squint thoughfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of the lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

  • Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

  • Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
    Sing your quesitons.

  • Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

  • When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "That's meeeee! Oh, no, sorry."

  • Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.

  • Page through the textbook scrathing each picture and sniffing it.

  • Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.

  • Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "Check your fly."

  • Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

  • Stare continually at the professor's crocth. Occassionally lick your lips.

    Address the professor as "your excellency."

  • Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.

  • Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.

  • Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

  • Ask whether you have to come to class.

  • Present the professor with a large fruit basket.

  • Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.

  • Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay." Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.

  • Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

  • Watch the professor through binoculars.

    Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

  • Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

  • When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAHG! MY EYES!"

  • Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even if it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

  • Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.

  • As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put sa problem on the board. Ignore the prpofessor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.

  • Claim that you wrote the class textbook.

  • Claim to be teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "imposter!"

  • Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

  • Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "signup Sheet #5 at the top, and start passing it around the room.

  • Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

  • Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".

  • Interrupt every few miutes to ask the professor, "can you spell that?"

  • Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

  • Wink at the professor every few minutes.

  • In the middle of the lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

  • Laugh heartily at everything he says. Snort when you laugh.

  • Wear a black-hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

  • Ask your math professor to roll the chart above the blackboard of ancient greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.

    "Answering Machine Funnies"

    We are borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. But we're not home right now, so leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

    Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done...(Cachunk!)

    Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

    Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. OR Hello, you're caller number nine!

    (Very fast) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your name and the the time you killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

    This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

    I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

    I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

    Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear?...BEEP!

    (Rod Serling imitation) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead - this is no ordinary telephone answering device. You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

    Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big-time phone system.

    (In a bored voice) Heaven, God speaking...

    Lucifer speaking. What in hell do you want?

    Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's Commandment is Number 6: Thou shalt not...er...bear a...er....Shalt not witness thy...uh...neighbor's, oh, I mean, false...er...shalt not commit a bear...darn...

    This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

    I can't come to the phone right now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

    (Recorded directly from AT&T) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

    Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os, won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

    The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

    You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

    (Klingon Voice) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

    You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

    Now, I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

    Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.

    My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

    Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left and right...real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

    A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

    Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

    (Narrator's Voice) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes in a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind-milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

    The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

    Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

    BACK TO TABLE OF CONTENTS

    Geocities