Beckham Joke Book
Posh Spice and David Beckham meet in a bar. After a few drinks they go back
to his hotel room. Dave begins to undress, removing his shirt to reveal
a "Reebok" tattoo. He explains, "When I play football, the cameras pick up
the tattoo and Reebok pays me for the advertisement." Next he takes off his
pants to reveal the word "Puma" tattooed on his leg, and he gives the
same explanation. Finally, the underwear comes off and Posh sees the
word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back, screaming, "You didn't
tell me you had AIDS!" David says, "Relax, in a minute it's going to say
"ADIDAS."
Q. Whats the difference between Posh Spice and Beckham?
A. Posh Spice doesn't kick back when taken from behind.
Q. What's the difference between Becks the lager and Becks the footballer?
A. One comes with it's bottle and the other lost it's bottle.
Q. Did you hear Posh Spice was re-considering the wedding?
A. She fell for David after being told he lasts 90 minutes.
Q. How do you change David Beckham's mind?
A. Blow in his ear.
Q. Which Spice girl is a vegetarian?
A. Posh, because she loves nothing better then a vegetable.
Q. What has a bottle of Becks got in common with Becks the player?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.
Q. Why did Beckham never go on boozing sessions with Gazza?
A. He couldn't last a second half.
Q. Have you heard the new Spice girls single?
A. Eleven become ten.
Q. What will Ginger Spice and Beckham be remembered for?
A. Huge boobs and deserting their team.
David Beckham is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if
anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stands up and
offers that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street
and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy. "No," Beckham
says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus
carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved.....
that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Beckham. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent, none of the children volunteer. "What?" asks Beckham,
"Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally
a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says "If an airplane
carrying David Beckham was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful," Beckham beams. "Marvellous, and can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well says the boy because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
Q. What is the difference between David Beckham and an Airfix model without any Adhesive?
A. One is a Glueless Kit...
Q. What's the difference between a chubby baby with angel wings, holding a bow and arrow jumping over a bus on a motorbike... and David Beckham??
A. Well, ones a Cupid stunt and the other is a...
Q. What do Beckham and Posh Spice have in common?
A. They've both screwed the entire country.
Q. If Beckham was a Spice Girl what would he be called?
A. Waste of Spice.
Q. What did Posh Spice say after she gave a blow job last night?
A. Great goal Michael.
Q. What's the difference between a woman after a hysterectomy and David Beckham?
A. One's a complete cunt.
TEN REASONS WHY BECKHAM DID THAT THING HE DID
1. Involuntary leg spasm brought on by wearing too-tight pair of Posh's panties.
2. Mistook Simeone for Darren Anderton.
3. Posh had got them VIP seats to the opening of Diana memorial at Althorp.
4. Bizarre clause in Adidas contract demanded he got red card (see also P.Kluivert and Z. Zidane).
5. After Jamie and Louise stole their thunder, needed to get self and missus back on the front pages.
6. After mistaking bowl of Pedigree Chum for high-protein pre-match chilli, was seized with urge to cock leg and mark centre of pitch as his territory.
7. Scared off by idea of having to dye hair with teammates, Romania-style, if we went through.
8. Had tickets to see Tim Henman play in Wimbledon.
9. Thought the nation simply had to hear that Kevin Keegan anecdote about the play-off semi-final against Grimsby.
10. Didn't fancy taking a penalty.
David Beckham goes into a sperm clinic to make a donation.
"Have you been here before"? enquired the receptionist.
"Yes", said Beckham, "don't you have my details on your computer"?
"I'll just check", said the receptionist, "ah yes, here they are".
"Shall I call Posh Spice to assist you"? asked the receptionist.
"Why do we need her"? asked Beckham.
"Oh, because it says here that you are a useless wanker", said the receptionist.
David Beckham walks into a pub. The barman asks, "Is yours a pint then sir?"
Beckham replies "No. Just a half and then I'm off."
Q. What is the similarity between Beckham and a Gucci watch?
A. They both come in a Posh box!
Every good football team must be built like a man, take England for instance, Owen the feet, Adams the head, Ince the Heart, Beckham the Arsehole.
David Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off
after a nightmare first half of the Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's
lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and everyone and
his dog hates him, Posh spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and United
have put him on the tranfer market for 10 quid because he's playing shite.
As he's about to jump off Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
"Are you OK David?" asks Father Christmas.
David explains his life is a mess and gets ready to jump!
"STOP!" shouts Father Christmas "I'll grant you three wishes on the
understanding that you do me a favour".
"That would be top!" says Beckham "Cheers Father Christmas, thank-you"
Father Christmas grants him his three wishes:
1) In the Argentina match Beckham doesn't kick the argy but shoots from the
freekick and scores. ENGLAND go on to win the World Cup and he is a National
hero.
2) He marrys Posh Spice and they live in happiness.
3) He is made best footballer in the world by fifa and his wage goes up to a
million a week.
"Oh thank you thank you!!!" says Beckham "What do I have to do?"
Father christmas tells Beckham to drop his pants and bend over. After a
brutal rogering, blood everywhere, Father Christmas asks Beckham how old
he is. "24" replies Beckham.
"You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the fat Gay City
fan.
Q. What woman has two cunts?
A. Posh Spice!
Q. What's the similarity between David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates?
A. They both come in a posh box!
Q. What's the difference between DB's teacher and a truck carrying water?
A. one's a water tanker and the other taught a wanker!
David Beckham wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best tracksuit,
ready for another hard day's work of being an over-privileged little shit.
Catching sight of himself in the mirror, he says "By God, Dave, you're
looking good this morning." He admires the fine cut of his outfit and flexes
his biceps. "Feeling good, too" he notes proudly at the firm swell of
muscle underneath the Red Shites kit.
He walks into the kitchen downstairs and Posh hands him a bowl of
cornflakes. "You're looking fit this morning Dave." "To be sure," says the
thick pillock appreciatively, "I feel good as well."
"Mind you," comments his beloved "you're not smelling so good." Dave takes a
sniff. "You're right there," he says worriedly, "I am smelling a bit rough."
He finishes his breakfast and sets off for Old Trafford.
"Good morning to you, sweetie" he grins at Alex Ferguson. "It's a fine
morning, Dave" says Alex, "and you're looking really good."
"Why thank you. I look good, and I feel pretty good as well" says Dave,
flexing both arms admiringly. "Oh Dave!" Alex shudders in disgust. "You
smell awful!" Very worried, Dave visits his doctor.
"Doc, I've got a problem. I look good, and I feel great, but I smell awful."
The Doctor reaches for his medical encyclopaedia and leafs through,
thoughtfully. "Hmm... you look good...." he scans down the page "...and you
feel great... but you smell awful." He puts the book down.
"Well, Dave, it's really very simple" says the doctor. "You're a c*nt."
3 Lions Remixed
Everyone's seen it all before,
He's shagging posh 'till 4,
In the hall, On the floor,
And now he's going to,
Get a blow job,
Leave some sperm in her gob,
And then pull out his nob,
And posh spice loves it,
Three lions on his shirt,
Doesn't deserve to wear it,
Should have left him home,
And Glenn Hoddle knew it,
He's going home,
He's going home,
He's going,
Beckham's going home.
He's going home,
He's going home,
He's going,
Beckham's going home...
Shouldn't have tried to trip him up,
cos now we're out of the cup,
David Beckham,
You're an arse.
Bee - cause you have, Let down your side,
And your national pride,
You should lay low and hide,
Cos we all hate you,
Three lions on his shirt,
Doesn't deserve to wear it,
Should have left him home,
And Glenn Hoddle knew it,
Glenn Hoddle knew right from the start,
That Posh spice is a tart,
And her bloke's,
A lairy twat,
But no one listened,
"You must bring him on",
said Alex Ferguson,
Now our chances are gone,
And it's all over...
He's going home,
He's going home,
He's going,
Beckham's going home,
He's going home,
He's going home,
He's going,
Beckham's going home.
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