Hockey is the greatest game. You know it. I know it.
But in the grand scheme of things,we are little more than a lone voice calling out in the sports wilderness. The average American,for instance,cannot comprehend that hockey is a better game than baseball,football,or basketball. It is sacrilege to even consider the notion. God help his soul. And even in Canada,there is growing evidence to support the theory that hockey fans aren't as furvent as they once were. Toronto,which set a major league attendance record with the Blue Jays,has become,gads a baseball city first and a hockey city second. We must have mercy. The fans simply have lost their reason to believe. We are fighting a losing battle. Baseball,football,and basketball fans are either too dumb or too loyal to consider opening their minds to the great game of hockey. We could extol hockey's many virtues,but they wouldn't listen. They do not appreciate the speed,grace,beauty,contact,and confrontation of the world's fastest sport. So to those who need reasons to back up their argument that hockey is indeed the greatest sport of all,we offer the following:
Why Hockey is Better than Baseball
Baseball is boring. Spare us the baseball as a metaphor-of-life lecture and all that other elitism nonsense. Baseball is myopic. To compete to win the World Series. World Series? Cincinnati vs. Oakland,San Francisco vs. Oakland,Los Angeles bs. Oakland. A real global affair isn't is? Baseball is violent. There are now more bench-clearing brawls in baseball than in any other sport. Why,a guy I know went to the Holyfield-Douglas card and a baseball game broke out. Ha,ha,ha...Baseball knows no bounds. The sport literally reveres quality. Which is just swell,given the game is into the 16th inning,and you have to rush home because the babysitter,unlike the game,has a curfew. Hey you didn't really want to see the winning run did you? Baseball Managers wear uniforms. C;mon now admit it. Have you ever seen anything more ludicrous than a grown man who doesn't throw,catch,field,or hit crammed into one of those plyester knits? Baseball games,in most cities,can be rained out. Nothing like a night in the drizzle waiting for word on if the game will resume.
Why Hockey is Better than Football
Football plays one game a week. Just what the attraction to the sport is the other six days a week. We're not quite sure. Football pays no heed to the elements. If God intended for human beings to expose their flesh in Green Bay in mid-December,he would have said so in the Bible. Or Sports Illustrated. Football is responsible for the advent of artificial turf. Sure. It's functional. And yes,hockey is played on artificial ice. But it wooks like ice,feels like ice,and in pinch,you could put it in your drink. Football has too many time-outs. Three in the first half,three in the second half. Is this a football game or a civil service convention? Football games are too crowded. now you know how the tailgate party tradition got started. You have to take supplies and cooking utensils with you,lest you parish in a parking lot designed to accommodate 80,000. Halftime shows,marching bands,baton twirlers,co-ed cheerleaders,and onfield formations saluting this or that. Enough said. The Soviets don't play it. If those crafty Reds aren't into it,then it isn't worth it.
Why Hockey is Better than Basketball
You don't have to be seven feet tall to play hockey. And never mind Spud Webb. He's small potatoes. Basketball has too many time-outs. Didn't we have the same complaint about football? Sorry gridiron fans. The last 30 seconds of a basketball game looks like a Charlie Chaplin movie on fast forward. In basketball,the last basket usually wins. Great excitement,but why bother with the first 47 minutes?
Hockey is the greatest game. You know it. I know it.