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Historically speaking, other branches of Christianity have tended not to 'get along' with Catholicism particularly well. The Catholic church (historically speaking, of course) pretty much hates anything that isn't Catholic. I learned these things as a child, much to my dismay. Despite my protestations that I wanted to be a "normal boy", mother insisted that she knew best and, 26 years or so later, I'm having a fully blown Catholic wedding.
Here's some old-fashioned Catholic know-how to make the 2 hour ceremony fly by and seem like only a 1 hour 45 minute ceremony.
- The water in the recess under the statuette of the Virgin Mary located at the inner doorway is Holy Water and is used for crossing yourself. (That's crossing, not cursing.) It is not a toss-a-coin-and-make-a-wish fountain, although the church always appreciates financial donations, even if you commit sacrilege in order to do so.
- Swallow or spit out (not in the Holy Water) all chewing gum before entering the church. The priest will not appreciate being interrupted by incessant *pop!*s and may smite you with a nearby metal staff before exiling you to the car park.
- Kneeling and crossing yourself before you enter your pew is nice, but not necessary. That is, unless, my mother sees you. In which case she may insist you not only kneel, but say 10 "Hail Mary"s and renounce your current belief before you take your seat. (She's done it once before and it's incredibly embarrassing. Trust me on this one - I know these things.)
- That strange, musty smell is the church, not my father.
- That spicy smell is the incense burning, not my father's hair.
- That funky foot smell is not the priest, but my father's genetic dysfunction.
- There should be no grabbing of the bride's arse as she walks down the aisle, no matter how hot she may look. (Take heed, David G. I'll be watching you like a hawk...)
- The man standing at the front with his hands in the air and reading from the Big Book is not wearing a dress. Officially, it's a robe, but I'm sure he giggles all the same when the wind blows up his ginger. (This is unlikely to occur during the ceremony. Sorry.)
- No throwing of projectiles at the priest, bride or groom. This includes tomatoes, apples, all stone fruits, rolled up newspapers with stone fruit inside them, shoes (unless they happen to be my size), and the large, portable wooden cross located at the front door. Doing so may disrupt the ceremony and earn you the ire of the groom's mother. (Not recommended.)
- There is nothing wrong with the groom's hair. I've meant it to look like crap.
- The groom is not sleeping, but "resting his eyes".
- The groom is not snoring, but participating in an ancient 'hymn'.
- When the groom lifts the bride's veil and kisses the bride, please refrain from howling, barking, whistling, slurping or making any other primordial sounds. (These noises can best be made afterwards at the reception when everyone will be too drunk to notice.)
- When I kiss Katrien in the church, there is no tongue involved. Well... no porno tongue, at least. I hope that answers your question, Evie. You dirty girl, you ;)
- And finally, Catholic weddings are the same as all weddings - longer than they should be, more boring than they need to be, and something ALWAYS goes awry. Let's just hope it's something simple, like dad forgetting to zip his fly and having loo paper stuck on his shoe.
Fingers crossed!
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See also: Tying the Proverbial Knot
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