Tomorrow is the 4th of July...yippee!! Well actually, whatever. I don't have any plans. But I'm thinking that's a lot better than last year when I had plans...made sure to get out of work early, and then get blown off. Sooo...I'll probably just sleep or some shit. As far as the things that happened in June...

Let's just say that my life is pretty much the most pointless and worthless thing that has ever existed on this piece of crap planet. I have always tried to be nice and good...but somehow, things still always seem to get screwed up. I always make the dumbest decisions and do the stupidest things. But you know what? Who gives a crap? I guess that's part of the learning process. Well, anyways...I started spending time with someone who I only ever intended to be friends with for a number of reasons. But then I went and started to like her and she liked me so once again, Jen and I are not together. She deserves someone who is ready for a serious committment anyways cuz I can't handle it apparently. I'm just not at that point in my life yet I guess.

Last Tuesday, I was mowing the lawn and when I was at the bottom of the yard, my dog started flipping out. I turned around to find a big dog standing at the fence. Some dude was in the baseball field across the street with his dog and had no leash on it so it was at my fence staring at my dog. The other dog was just watching my dog bark and try to go under the fence. The moron eventually came over and got his dog. Later that night, my mom came home and brought a little black poodle in with her. She had found it wandering out by my car. Someone must have abandoned it or something...who knows. We took it to the vet the next day and found out she was an older dog and had bad teeth, tumors, and bad eyes. We took it to a shelter then and an ad was in the paper for it the next day...

As far as friends and girls go...blah. Not a whole hell of a lot to say. The people who swore to me that they were good friends less than a year ago now seemingly ignore me. Because ya know, they have such great lives and wonderful friends and are unable to squeeze me in to their lives. Their friends are soo "cool" and wonderful and all of that monkey crap. It's so funny how people can claim to be your friend when they have no idea what the word "friend" even means.

July 5, 2003 - 3:00 AM

The 4th of July was just peachy! No...I'm lying. It was actually a day plastered on my calendar from the depths of hell. Yeah, that sounds a little more accurate. Not much to share. I talked to Jen online. And I realized that she is seemingly the only person who I have met in my entire life that was trustworthy and cared about me. Well...not positive but I'm just waiting for it to be confirmed. We'll see. Everyone is acting weird like they have some big secret to hide...like they think I'm dumb and I don't know what is going on. God...it's really pissing me off how hypocritical some people can be. They will tell me not to act a certain way and then they act the same way and it's ok when they do it. People are so lame and fake. GRRRR!

July 7, 2003 - 2:00 AM

I flipped out a little last time...and rightfully so. People want to know why I don't have more "friends". You really want to know why? It's because every single time someone comes along that I think is great and fun to hang out with, they turn on me. I know some of you are probably saying, "Yeah right, they couldn't possibly ALL be backstabbers." Well...I wish that were true. Not necessarily backstabbers but they mess with my head and lie and are just all-around shady. The way some people treat others...it's really hard to figure out how they end up with people who want to be around them. I suppose most people nowadays are just sub-consciously selfish. They don't even realize how they hurt people. But whatever...let them be like that.

Saturday, I had an interesting day. I was told by someone I consider a good friend that I need to get more friends and that I'm pathetic. Sweet, huh? True, I do need to get out and start hanging out with people I haven't seen in a while. But I don't understand the need to directly bash me...hmmm. I went and saw X-Men 2 also...it was pretty good. Sunday, I went to dinner at the diner. I had ziti parm or something. Not much else happened. I was hung up on by someone just because I called her dude. Hmm. Lovely. I'm so happy with the way that people have been treating me lately. It just makes me feel so much better.

July 11, 2003 - 1:30 AM

On Tuesday, Courtney invited me to go to an auction with her, Nicole, her friend Matt, and Nicole's mom. I really didn't get to bed until late the night before and so Courtney's younger sister calls and wakes me up at like 9:30 am. Needless to say I was kinda tired. We went to this auction, which was like an hour or more away, to sell Nicole's hamsters and Courtney's iguanas. It was...interesting. OK, I'll be honest...it was really boring. Of course, I was rather tired so maybe that played a part in it. Nicole made a whopping $1 and some odd change for her 7 hamsters....LoL. Courtney got like $10 or something for her 2 iguanas. I slept on the way home. Then I had some turkey and stuffing at Courtney's house, we said goodbye and that was the night.

On Wednesday, I realized that I am starting to become bitter and angry just like mostly everybody else in society. That's one thing I swore to myself I would never be. My whole life, I have never tried to fit in or be "cool" by doing stupid shit like smoking, drugs, pot, and alcohol. That has always been my goal. I have always tried to remain an individual and be nice and respectful and courteous no matter what. It doesn't matter how many heartless shits treat me like garbage and get me down...I always try to remain the same and not let it change me. I never have and don't ever want to become like all of these other brainless morons in this world who are nothing but followers and can't think for themselves. But at the same time, I can't continue to let people walk all over me and treat me like dirt. So I did something totally out of character. I was coming out of my back street and this truck was coming down the side road to go into the parking lot back there and decided he wasn't going to stop and wait for me to get around the corner. Too bad...I wasn't stopping either. He yelled something out his window like "C'mon!". So I yelled back "Fuck you asshole! You fucking cocksucker!" Ah well...dumb dick deserved it. He's just lucky I wasn't in a REALLY bad mood. It just made me think, take a step back, and wonder. I need to go back to the way I was before people started screwing me over 5 years ago. I need to just forget all of the shit that has happened, all of the unlucky things that have happened to me, and be a really great guy like I was back then. I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me...I never did then. I need to just have fun and enjoy my life and just forget about the scumsucking pricks who treat me like garbage. And so it will be done.

Also on Wednesday, I had plans to see Jen for the first time in a couple of weeks. She had a half day of work so we were gonna go to the movies to see either Pirates of the Caribbean or Anger Management. Since it took me too long to get ready, we weren't gonna make it before 6. And since the price of the movie tickets goes from $5.50 up to $8 after 6:00pm, we decided to go to the cheap theater and see Anger Management. It was pretty good...as were my tasty, fruity Skittles and my large Hi-C. OK, so I was rather thirsty and finished my large cup of Hi-C before the movie started...so I went and refilled it. :o) Afterwards, we went to Burger King for a bite to eat and then to my house to watch Crank Yankers. It was really nice to see Jen again. I have missed her a lot. She's the most special person I have ever met in my life...and yet, for some reason, she is the person I always end up hurting. I don't want to hurt her...not at all...not ever. I'm just not in a good place right now. I need to straighten my shit out and get my life together because right now, I have no clue where it is heading.

On Thursday, I started to see that no matter what I do or what I say, I am always wrong for some reason. It's just so funny how some people change so drastically when you see them more. They start to show who they truly are and show that they don't like you nearly as much as they say they do. People get mad over the most retarded things...it's ridiculous. I can't deal with that anymore. It's just so annoying. I care about people so much and they just never seem to be able to see that. It must be difficult to believe that there are still good-hearted, caring people in this world so when they come across one (me), they just don't know how to deal with it. Oh well...I have had headaches the past few days...really bad ones that run down my neck and make it hard for me to move my head. I take aspirin and it doesn't work. So who knows...maybe I'm dying...get your balloons and party hats out!

July 24, 2003 - 4:00 AM

Not a whole lot has happened in my life lately. My headaches continue on almost a daily basis...but they are now accompanied by dizziness and ocassional upset stomach. So for those of you hoping I die soon, perhaps your wishes will come true soon enough and you can all go out and party together. Have fun!

Jen and I have been hanging out a little more lately, which is good. I missed her. We have gone out to eat a few times and to the movies a couple of times. She is moving in a little over a week so I probably won't see her as much. We'll see.

I was trying to find a way to hang out with someone I haven't seen in a while and that isn't working out. I find it rather amusing how people can have no life and tell me how boring their life is and how they are never busy but the minute I want to hang out with them, they become sooo busy and have no free time. I have pretty much given up on having friends...it's rather pointless.

Courtney and I haven't seen each other since July 8th. That's the only time I have seen her this month actually...seemingly confirming my "guy of the month" theory. Who knows what's up with her. She never seems to want to talk to me anymore. I'll take part of the blame because I said we shouldn't talk or see each other anymore. But, in reality, that seemed to be the direction things were going anyways. Of course I want to see her...I miss her.

On a positive note, I did get an IM from Megan on the 13th. I had sent her a email postcard for her birthday and she came on when I was still in bed and thanked me. It was rather shocking since she has ignored me pretty much since September 1st aside from one email and one IM convo. I'm not really sure why she decided to thank me. She also added "talk to u later" but I highly doubt I'll ever talk to her or see her again. I hope to but who knows. Maybe people will keep surprising me...keeping my fingers crossed.