I haven't written in a while...been kinda busy with work and stuff. OK, well let's see. I started at Dorney on April 29th...that was our "practice" day where we run the rides for other workers and stuff to just get the hang of it. Anyways, I met a nice girl on that day named April and we hung out all day and ate at Wendy's and stuff. Then I found out that she works the same rides as me so I see her every day now. My job is pretty cool...it's alot better than some jobs although sometimes people can be very annoying. Lots of girls to look at in the park...LoL...and money is always good to have. My sister started working there with me but ended up quitting. I only had two out of the ordinary type of things happen so far. On May 6th, opening day, I cut my finger open on the Paratrooper...it's no biggie...it's fine now. And the other day, some girl asked me if she could ride me ...LoL...okay...whatever. Everything is going fine. My hours seem a little much so I may get them reduced.

As far as my relationship with Jen goes, everything is better now. But she's away in Florida with her parents for three weeks so I'm kinda missing her since I have off for four days. She's not gonna be here for my birthday in two days but she said she'll call me. She bought me a bunch of stuff, including an ice cream cake for my birthday. I just got Goo Goo Dolls tickets for the Allentown Fair which we plan on going to. I'm also bringing Jackie but to be quite honest, my relationships with females just aren't meant to be or something. Jen is always jealous of Jackie, whom I have never met and have not shown any interest in other than being friends. And Jackie...well she's a long story.

I started out talking to her on the net in '98 but not much at all. Then, in late '99, I started talking to her more and began to like her. Well, I just don't know if this whole internet thing is gonna work for me anymore. I've become more involved in the real world over the past couple of months and the net isn't a big part of my life anymore so I want those "net" friends to become actual friends. The majority of them don't talk to me anymore anyways and probably don't give a flying monkey's turd about how I am so...whatever. I'm not sweating it. I've learned that "friends" are very difficult, if not impossible, to find. Nobody is loyal or trustworthy enough to be really good friends with nowadays...or at least the majority of people aren't. I figure if people don't want to have a relationship with me, then screw 'em. I don't need anybody. If there is anything that I have learned over the past couple years, it's that I don't need anybody to be happy and successful. I don't need to throw my life away for some no good bitch and I don't have to get all worried and depressed because somebody doesn't like me. I can handle anything right now so if someone doesn't want to get close to me, then they can go jump off a cliff for all I care. I'm sick of putting my feelings and effort into making things work with people only to have them just kind of shrug it off as though I'm not important enough to bother with.

So, back to more specific people, Jackie is like the only person other than Jen that I talk to on an almost daily basis. I don't know why I'm dumb enough to keep talking to people on the net and actually think I'm going to have a normal friendship with these people. I mean, it happened with many before, Deanne, Robin, Korin, and Christy, just to name a few and now they never talk to me or hate me for some silly, lame-ass reason. I, although it sounds stupid, have really gotten to care about Jackie and worry about how she is doing and stuff daily. I don't know why. It's just I am like that with people...I worry and care about everybody aside from myself, which usually gets me hurt. Well anyways, I wanted to see her and do something with her but she is busy all this week so I dunno. Sometimes I think maybe I want to see her more than she wants to see me or maybe I'm not really that important to her and I'm just a "pen pal". I honestly don't know. I never think people give a crap about me anyways so maybe it's just my low self-esteem that is making me feel this way. What I do know is that she is a very pretty girl who seems to get involved with the wrong types of guys, which is common for good looking girls. They always go for the assholes and immature loser, dickhead types. I dunno why. And then they think they are too good for other people...ha! Well, Jackie isn't like that or at least I don't percieve her to be that way. She just gets me upset when she is upset and I always want her to know I'm there for her but, not to sound nasty, I don't want to be the person she tells about all of the jerks she is involved with. I care for her but she IS the one choosing these guys. I'm sorry if the guys she is with suck and are jerks but not all of them are. I dunno...maybe it's best if we write to each other less and not meet each other because my emotions are a very strange thing and in caring for and looking out for people, I tend to tell them things for their own good and end up making them hate me. Truth is not a popular thing...people never want to hear it...especially about themslves. Hell, she'll probably hate me after she reads this for all I know. Oh well...my life is getting too busy to deal with people hating me for stupid crap. I can only be there for her when she is upset and try to help her with stuff. I only see her as a friend. I have no romantic feelings for her as I've never met her and she has made it clear she wouldn't be interested in me anyways. But, like I said, I have Jen right now and don't plan on being with anyone else. All I can say is life is busy and girls are hard to figure. Any comments about this...please e-mail me with a civil and calm response and I'll address it next time. Until then, take care of yourself and each other.

May 23, 2000 - 6:25 PM

Yesterday I blew off some steam on this thing and it's apparent to me now that I let my emotions get the best of me and said some things that could very easily be taken out of context. First of all, I got an email from someone I have never even heard of trying to be all psycho-analyzer or something and telling me the reason I am feeling the way I am is because I'm jealous. Well, I don't know why I would be jealous but this person went on to say how I'm in love with Jackie and that's the reason I feel the way I do or something...I dunno...I erased it cuz it was pretty silly. I haven't even met Jackie yet so there is no way I could even know if I like her...but I'm sure I will. Anyways, I've been kinda down this week cuz it's my birthday and nobody to spend it with other than my family, which isn't a bad thing. So, I do still want to write to Jackie and stuff but I really don't want to be pen-pals anymore. I want to hang out and do stuff...we'll see. The summer is coming up soon so maybe we'll do some stuff together. I just worry and I want to look out for her...I wish I could look out for everybody but that's impossible. The other thing that I kinda really didn't mean the way it sounds is that I don't want to hear about her problems because I really do and will as long as she trusts me enough to tell me about them. It's something I just need to talk to her about I guess. As far as other stuff goes, I work all weekend and all next week aside from Wednesday, which doesn't bother me since I won't have anything else to do. Tomorrow, I'm going out for my birthday. Ummm...not much else to say...I guess that's all then.

May 29, 2000 - 11:50 PM

I'm such a guy...because even though I try to be sweet and nice to everybody, I still act like a hormone driven male at times. I mean, unlike alot of losers, I wouldn't ever cheat on my g/f or anything like that but I just have the wandering eyes. I check out girls all of the time and I can't help it. Now that my g/f is gone, I've been doing it I guess as much as before but it seems so much more guilty or something. For my birthday, I went out to eat and was looking at some waitress. The next day, we went out again for my dad's b-day and I was checking out two girls there and yesterday at work...oh boy...there were Miss Pennsylvania School girls there and they were quite the hotties so I just couldn't help myself. Staring and staring some more was my day...LoL. Not much else going on except for work. I got my tickets to go and see the Goo Goo Dolls in September. I'm taking Jen and Jackie. My parents were kinda but not really flipping on me for buying Jackie a ticket since I haven't even met her yet. I dunno...I've always been generous with my money and even though I got hurt in the past, I'm not gonna stop being who I am. Maybe I should take that philosiphy into my relationship now since I have changed in that area but ok...this is getting too long. I just hope everything works out for the best and Jackie likes me and stuff. Jen should be home in a couple of days...I work the next 11 straight...oh well...gotta get to bed.