The Brett Hull Conspiracy Theory
By Serena Laight
"Man, it's great to be back!" Brett Hull said as he pulled into the driveway to his luxurious Dallas home. The Dallas Stars forward was tired after a long road trip, and he couldn't wait to get back to his normal routine. The minute he got inside his house, his wife started to yell at him. "WE NEED MILK!" She yelled. Brett got scared. "Ok-kay honey," he said fearfully. "NOW!" She barked. Brett turned around and walked right back out the door. "Hmmmph. I bet Mike Modano's boyf--er--partner doesn't treat him that way!" He was pretty pissed off now that Mrs. Hull was out of earshot. He got in the car and drove to the grocery store. He turned on the radio. The song was familiar to him right away. "Everybody...yeah...rock your body...yeah...everybody rock your body right...Backstreet's Back ALL RIGHT!" Brett recognized the song as the one Mike plays every night before bed. "I never was much of a Backstreet groupie," he said, smiling at himself in the rearview mirror, "but if Mike likes it, then so do I!" When he got to the grocery store, he couldn't find a parking space. "Goddammit...if I still lived in St. Louis I would have a special parking space RESERVED for me every where I went, since *everybody* loves me and recognizes me. Of course only prettyboy MIKE gets that kind of treatment here...I don't see why...I mean his hair is SOOOOO 80's!" He finally found a spot far away from the front entrance. "The only plus side to being a Dallas Star is the fact that I can do regular stuff without a zillion people mauling me for autographs...I mean Texas rednecks only seem to recognize MIKE." Brett often enjoyed talking to himself, since he was his own biggest fan. As he walked toward the store, he glanced into a car window and saw his own reflection. "Now THAT is the most beautiful thing I have seen ALL day!" He said, smiling at himself. He walked into the store and headed straight for the dairy section and grabbed a carton of milk. Suddenly, he heard whispers from behind him. 'Oh Christ...' he thought to himself, 'is my hair ok? I bet nobody whispers behind MIKE'S back. Oh Dammit, do they recognize me?' He tried to listen more carefully. He heard a deep whisper, "Oh my God, it's really him!" He turned around. "Since when do Texans watch h--" he was cut off by a chunky young girl wrapping her arms around his neck. "It's REALLY you! I can't believe it!" Brett forced a smile. "Of course it's me. You all love me...I am *the* Br-"
"OWEN will you PLEASE sign my WWF magazine for me?" The girl interrupted. "OWEN? OWEN? Who the hell is Owen?" Brett asked. He was furious that someone could make such a mistake. 'I bet no one mistakes MIKE for any Owen Hart character...' he thought. His face turned red like a big tomato. "Excuse me, Mr. Hart," the girl said angrily, "are you going to sign it or not?" Brett snapped back into reality and realized there was a huge crowd standing around him now. "Owen! Owen! Owen!" They chanted. "I AM NOT OWEN HART DAMMIT! I AM BRETT HULL! ALL-STAR NHLer! YOU SHOULD DAMN WELL RECOGNIZE ME, I AM FAMOUS!!!!" The crowd quickly ran off. Suddenly, a security guard came up behind Brett and grabbed him by the arm. "Excuse me, Mr. Hart. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the premises..."
"Pardon?" Brett said. "I said, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the premises." Well Brett loses it. He SNAPS. "SEE IF I BRING YOU ANY FREE WRESTLING STUFF! AND SEE IF I EVER INVITE YOU TO WRESTLEMANIA!"
Mike Modano, who was coincidentally at the grocery store buying some marmalade poked his pretty little head around the corner. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
Brett put his hand over his mouth and turned red. Damn MIKE was always there to embarrass him. "Nothing...nevermind."
Could it be true? Could Brett Hull and Owen Hart really be one in the same? I mean, sure, there are some differences. Brett's hair is more reddish, and Owen's beak is bigger. But the similarities are just too freakish. Not only do they look alike, but both Owen and Brett have king-sized egos and seem to love themselves. Hmmmm....
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