The Colorado Avalanche Visit the Calgary Zoo


By Serena Laight

"Why does Coach make us take these gay team outings together?" Sandis Ozolinsh asked. "Because!" Peter Forsberg replied, "It will help develop team chemistry, don't you ever pay attention in the dressing room? We have to beat the Flames!" The team was standing at the zoo entrance, waiting for Claude Lemieux to arrive. He was late, as usual. "Where the hell is Claude?" Patrick Roy said. "Hi guys!" Claude yelled. He skipped towards his friends, wearing a "cool" khaki safari outfit. He was carrying a real masculine looking picnic basket. "Like my outfit? Khaki really is my colour! " The guys all observed his outfit. "Who wears short shorts?" Adam Deadmarsh sang. "CLAUDE WEARS SHORT SHORTS!" Everyone replied. "Sorry I'm late, I had to pack us a scrumptious picnic!" He waved the basket. Sandis, the only cool member of the team, rolled his eyes. It was always an embarrassment to be seen with his teammates. "Enough chit-chat," Sakic said sternly, holding up a clipboard "we're on a tight schedule here. Thanks to Claude's tardiness, we have to cut down our playtime and head straight for the reptiles!" He checked off something on his clipboard. "Ya slap a lousy C on the guy's jersey and he thinks he's a tour guide," Sandis said under his breath. "To the reptile house!" Joe cried. "To the reptile house!" The rest of the team cried. The team skipped their way through the reptile house, tiger cage, and sea animals. "Is it lunchtime yet?" Keith Jones asked for the hundredth time. "You could stand to skip a few meals, Fatass." Forsberg snapped. Keith pouted. "I'm not fat. I'm festively plump!" Keith replied. "I'll find some shade." The gang found a nice patch of shade by the bird area. "I brought a blanket!" Corbet cried with enthusiasm. He opened up his backpack and spread out a pink flannel blanket. Unfortunately, the blanket was from when he was a baby, and it surely wouldn't fit the entire teams fat asses on it. "Oh geez." Sandis said with a snicker. "You are not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, are you Rene?" Rene looked hurt. "Well FINE then! See if I ever take out Tie Domi again!" He cried. "Rene, you couldn't take out Tie Domi if I was there to help you," said Jeff Odgers. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Rene grabbed his blankie and ran away. "Lets EAT!" Keith said. Claude opened his picnic basket, revealing a lovely meal. "Wait til dessert guys, "Claude said with a huge grin, "I made Apple Brown Betty!" Sandis burst out laughing. "HAHA Apple Brown Betty!!! Damn North Americans!" The boys sat down and dug in!

Meanwhile, Serena and Amber were hanging back, watching the group through binoculars. "This is too good." Serena said, laughing. "Claude Lemieux wears short shorts!" Amber was too busy snapping Polaroids to reply. They both knew espionage was evil, but this was just too hilarious to stop.

"Ohhh I am so full!" Keith moaned, clutching his stomach. "Gee I wonder why, Saddlebags." Forsberg replied. "Yeah Keith! How do you expect to be on your game tomorrow night with those love handles?" Captain Joe asked. "You guys are assholes!" Keith started to tear up. "Oh shit, now my mascara is gonna run!" He ran away with his face in his hands. "That love handles comment was going a little too far Sak!" Forsberg snapped. He was so angry, he also left. "This trip sucks," Deadmarsh said, "I don't want to be here anymore." Roy growled. "Once a traitor, always a traitor!"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means what it means, dumbass. You aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer are you?"

"Whiner!" said Adam. "Traitor!" Roy yelled. "Choker!" Adam shrieked. "Room-trasher!" Roy screeched, proud of that last one.

Adam got mad, kicked a peacock, and ran away. "I think I am going to go complain and blame my teammates for everything that goes wrong in life!" Patrick said, then ran away. Joe's face fell. "WHY isn't anyone having fun?" Sandis smirked. "Because you have no leadership skills!" This hurt Joe. "I am leaving!" One by one, everyone got pissed off at each other and left the Zoo. Soon, all that was left was Sandis, who was rather enjoying the little outbursts, and Claude, who had just returned from the washroom. "Where did everyone go?" Claude asked. "They left and I thought we were having fun!" Sandis replied. "Oh well. Calgary blows. I like Dallas better, that Modano sure is something." Sandis' eyes widened. "WHAT?" he was shocked. Claude was equally shocked at his slipup. He was ready to make up some excuse when 2 girls jumped out of the bushes. "HAHA you like Mike and we got it all on tape!" Serena said. The blood drained from Claude's face as Sandis stood back, laughing his head off. Her friend Amber was holding a tape recorder and had a camera around her neck. "We got pictures of your outfit too!" Claude tried to grab the recorder but stopped abruptly. "Hey! There is nothing wrong with my outfit!" Sandis decided to gang up on Claude. "That's not what Mike will think!" All 3 started laughing, as Claude looked fearful. "Please! Don't show him! I'll do anything!! ANYTHING!"

Needless to say, both the Flames and Oilers won all their games against the Avalanche, due to some "costly mistakes" made by a certain player. Not to mention the fact that both Serena and Amber miraculously were able to afford Seasons Tickets and fancy new cars. (They did have to pay some of their little "settlement" to Sandis, of course). They also received all the autographs and hockey stuff they could ever imagine. And Mr. Lemieux lived in fear for the rest of his life.

THE END


Home
Back