Punship Express (Issue 1 - 1995)

Hill Wins As Schumacher Goes Fishing


Damon Hill was still celebrating well into the night after winning the inaugural Dot Asian Grand Prix. Michael Schumacher, an unhappy loser, ended up in the local Fugi Pun river, nursing a sore bottom and a bruised ego.
"Get nicked," he was heard to exclaim to an ugly local seeking an autograph "I'm off to catch some trout!" and promptly took a fishing rod and a wad of worms out of his nightgown, worn under his insulated pants.
Gerhard Berger had an interesting race killing 8 spectators and 2 African Alpacas as he made his way off the circuit, over the crowd, through a toilet block and into a ladies auxiliary auction. His teammate Jean Alesi, had similar problems, blowing his engine on the 23rd lap.
The win for Hill wasn't, however, a highlight for Tiki Inoue, whose homeland advantage was lost when he was mobbed by a bunch of ugly females, after welding his car to the pit wall. The race was stopped for nearly ten seconds, while the females were rounded up and carted off to the nuthouse, which was temporarily evacuated after a small fire.
At the conclusion of the race Damon Hill was seen jumping up and down on his car while travelling at about 250km/h down the main straight of the Dooashi Circuit.
"How he did it I'll never know," was all Schumacher had to say as he tackled a rather large fish. He then went on to use some rather colourful language as he realised that it was actually a Barrimundi he had caught, not a trout.
Many English galloots were seen running down Herachima street at 3:17am waving their Williams banners and shouting,
"G-g-go D-d-da-m-on, d-d-do i-it for ya co-oont-t-try!"
They were later rounded up and shot by disturbed German supporters. Dot Asian Police are still searching for the group of Neo-Nazi terrorists.
Damon Hill now leads the World Championship by 32 points over nearest rival Schumacher, but with Schumacher threatening to take up trout fishing, Hill seems to be unbeatable for this years prize.

The next scheduled race is the Ethiopian Grand Prix to be held at the Zamblashi circuit in Ethiopia, but the International Formula 1 body is having trouble finding marshals and officials for the much loved event.

In other racing news Michael Andretti (the Indycar driver) has told journalists from the U.S.A. Today newspaper that he will not be continuing on with his Indycar career next year.
"I hate it!" was all he said when asked why.

In golfing news, Greg Norman was playing superbly in the World Championship of Golf at Mauna Kea, Hawaii. Until the last hole that is. Off the tee he duck-hooked into the crowd, rebounding off a spectator, killing the poor soul, and landing in the Pacific Ocean. But one cheery critic commented too soon. One must never underestimate a shark under water. The Shark blasted the ball off the ocean floor and landed it about 12.756cm away from the pin. He then went on to make a complete hash of the putt and lose the Championship.

Australian cricket Captain, Mark Taylor, decided to comment on the most ordinary performances by Pakistan in the three Test Match series, Australia won three nil.
"They were just plain crap - nothing more to be said."

INFERNO LASHES TOWN


Last night at 9pm fire crews were called to a blaze at the town's most famous address, City Hall. They battled the blaze for over half an hour, but were unable to save one of the town's most prestigious buildings.
"It swept through the place like a flock of majestic wildeebeasts," exclaimed a young homeless boy.
Many buildings were evacuated for the risk of the fire spreading to the Nuclear Power Plant over the road. The Plant's advisor had this to say,
"The !#?$* idiot who started this fire ought to be shot. My manager lost his hot-dog running from the building and I can tell you he is not jumping up and down for joy.
Other buildings to be evacuated included the nuthouse over the river, the school next to the Nuclear Power Plant, the state prison and the preschool next door to it.
Inmates from the nuthouse and the prison combined forces to run wild in the streets when they realised they were free.
A psychedelic man in the gutter summed up the whole incident stating,
"I done nutin' ! I done nutin' ! Why me ? This is all I 'ave left. It ain't fair! Nobody deserves this excruciating pain this quite diabolical disaster has layed upon my person" The fire chief was later asked what he thought about the fire.
"This was a tragic mishap that could have been avoided if the mayor got off his butt and did something about the town's water pressure. It's just not strong enough."
All through the night there were traffic problems on the nearby Freeway 103, with the Nuthouse escapees halting traffic and stealing cars, creating havoc in nearby towns.
"There should be more equestrian events in the Olympics " was all the Police Commissioner could say from his horse riding adventure in Alice Springs.
This was certainly a tragic blaze.


HELP!!!
MY BABY


Gutter dwellers impression of the flames.

This weeks:

CRICKET BANNER COMPETITION WINNER
was Jack Me-Man, whose fine little effort is printed below:

GIVE THE PACKI'S SOME CURRY,

THEY NEED THE RUNS !

VERY amusing Jack ! Hope all you guys and gals can find something to top that whopper of a joke !

Alfonso Bloggs, caught up with Australia's brightest young stars, NICK WORKMAN and TIM HAWKINS for this interview: AB: So Nick, Tim, how are you?
TH: I'm fine!
NW: Alright.
TH: Stupid thing. Better delete that. You're an idiot.
Chris Bourne: (butting in rudely) Oh me. Ha. Ha. Ha. No one is laughing at that .
AB: So boys. The war over in Bosnia. Pretty shocking stuff, right?
CB(miming):I'm not telling you!
AB:Ha ha. Yopa. But seriously, how are your respective families?What about you Nick, you idol of women,you.
NW:Ooooow. Oooooowww.
No. Don't put that.
CB:(with silly look of pleasure)I'm clever!!
AB:Thanks for your time guys . But before we leave, have you anything to say to the adoring mob of fans who would sell their own mother to stand within breathing distance of you?
NW:What do you want me to say?
AB:What a funny fellow !!

NEXT WEEK OUR STAR REPORTER WILL BE SPEAKING TO ALLAN BAMFF , WHOSE SUCCESS WITH HIS HOLDEN CAMPAIGN HAS LED TO HIS INSTALMENT AS CHIEF OF A MID - WESTERN CULT IN LOCAL
CABRAMATTA !

IT'S NOT EVERYDAY YOU WILL FIND SPORTING EQUIPMENT OF THIS CALIBRE! In fact, you probably would think yourself lucky if you did at all! But your dreams have finally been realised ! Come on down to
'TUNNI'S HALL OF BALLS'
located in a dark, shady part of Parramatta .Come on Mondays and be mugged at half price.
Merchandise will be flowing out of anatomy when you see these bargains !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BARGAIN 1 -
Jockstraps suspendersonly $49 ninety five !

BARGAIN 2 -
Sorry ! We have only
one crazy offer to make
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Punship Express (Issue 2 - 1996)

Jacques Belches, Mika Captured and Schumacher Runs Away


It was a trying time for patrons of the annual, inaugural, magical spectacle of the Chinese Grand Prix at the Alwashi Circuit on the weekend. Difficulties arose from the beginning and continued throughout the weekend, marring what could have been a most wonderful spectacle for all of China to be proud of. The first problem arose when a most irate Mongolian fan jumped onto the circuit during the Friday practise session. Rounding the Malboro-Fosters-Mobil-Repco-Mitsubishi-Nike corner, little known Fin, Mika Salo, cleaned up the young imbecile while trying to overtake pacesetter Jacques Villeneuve at a most inappropriate time on an utterly dangerous part of the circuit. Jacques later said that he felt sorry for Mika who is only young and a bit on the audacious side.
"I feel sorry for Mika who is only young and a bit on the audacious side."
One whole hour of practise was lost while rescue crews tried to piece together the tragedy. One noble English gentleman noted after the mishap,
"I was merely sittin' eatin' my Goulash, when this eyeball came and landed in my lap. I was greatly disturbed and I think I will be emotionally scarred for many years to come. I'm suin' these lumber eatin' reptiles. They don't deserve to live as far as I'm concerned."
The problems for race officials continued throughout the next session as a Turkish built Nuclear Power facility became the centre of a predicament when it melted down just 2 seconds into qualifying. Jacques Villeneuve ignored this somewhat unfortunate mishap and decided to stay out on the track despite the officials' warnings. He went on to clock a radiated lap of just 22.781 seconds, crushing the existing best by 97.438 seconds. The time was later discounted, as it was radiation assisted - a total breach of FIA guidelines.
"I'm going to cry," was all Villeneuve said when the news came through, but the tears just couldn't fall.
In Saturday qualifying, Hill was the early pacesetter in his FWR Arrows, clocking a swift, although sluggish at times, lap of 1m 18.993s. Gerhard Berger began to dance when his Benetton was extinguished after earlier catching fire due to a fuel leak. Five mechanics were killed instantly and a cameramen later died in hospital due to complications resulting from a twisted ankle. FIA boss Elur Tluaner Smailliw said simply,
"There must be an inquiry. There just must be. All these freakin' imbeciles, who can't put petrol in a car. Why should we have to waste money on 'em. They all should be shot!" This was stated before he realised they were already dead.
With half their pit crew deceased, Benetton had no choice but to pull out of competition leaving Jacques Villeneuve an easy run to pole. He lapped 2.958958 seconds faster than his nearest counterpart, Heinz-Harald Frentzen. Bad luck continued for Fin, Mika Salo, who was never able to complete a lap due to a problem with "intestines in the engine", and was relegated to last on the grid. Michael Schumacher, who earlier in the week had some misfortunes making it to the other side of customs due to thoughts he was Neo-Nazi terrorist, managed to put his Ferrari third on the grid.
Race day started flawlessly, Mika Salo excepted, whose car blew up when he turned on the ignition. After 25 minutes 37.865 seconds, the track was cleared and the race began. Eddie Irvine managed a good start, flying into the first corner, his Ferrari never to be seen again. The race leader, Villeneuve experienced no problems at the first corner and continued to lead the depleted field for the laps to come. On lap eleven, Schumacher closed up on the flying French-Canadian and waited for the perfect opportunity at the end of the long Mild Seven-Hahn Ice-Shell-Gitanes-Toyota-Fuji TV straight, performing a "simply stunning" manoeuver to outbrake, pass and slip away from Villeneuve.
From then on the race looked over. The double World Champion led, the Canadian was slipping back and Damon Hill was wiping out the rest of the field. On lap 75 of 82, Schumacher was looking for one of the most impressive victories of the season. That was until the major disaster of the weekend, came into view. It became apparent that one enraged Australian citizen was making her way through the crowd. She climbed the reinforced fencing, jumped over and landed on top of Ukyo Katayama as he was manoeuvering his Tyrrell through the 20mp/h Renault-Sony-Yamaha-Carlton & United-China King Restaurant-Asian Woks-AST-Wally From Fairstar, "We Want Your Business Today"-Fosters-Some shop in the shady part of Shosta Chicane. Blocking Katayama's view the Aussie trouble maker decided she should be driving the car. Ukyo was ditched at 317.45345km/h on the freaking straight with the long name, and the middle-aged convict took over control.
"IT'S PAULINE HANSON!!!" stated one outraged Australian fan.
This so called "Hanson" took out Rubens Barrichello, Ralph Schumacher and a disturbed David Coulthard on the first bend. Ralphy hit his poor little shoulder on the side of the cockpit and was rushed to hospital.
After being informed that his Brother had been hospitalised, Michael Schumacher began to panick. He was visibly upset as his car swayed back and forth down pit straight. Hanson overtook him and then without any apparent reason, ran Michael off the track. She then stopped, debarked the vehicle, then took off on foot chasing Schumacher away from his dusty Ferrari, across the track and out of the Circuit.
"AND DON'T COME BACK YOU #%!^?@* NAZI!!!" This was Hanson's immediate response to the quick exit. "We don't need people like you. We don't need youse. All you Nazis, Asians and any other immigrants, GO HOME. The people of MY country don't want you."
Jacques Villeneuve, with no-one else left in the race, went on to win in convincing style, his first Chinese Checkered Flag.
Jacques belched the Canadian National Anthem triumphantly as he made his way out onto the presentation stage. Unfortunately, though, there was no-one left in the circuit. They were apparently dealing with a certain Australian loud-mouth who earlier had caused some controversy. The Coroner would not comment on her condition, but Australian supporters, were most visibly upset.
Michael Schumacher is still yet to be found and it is feared that Mika Salo has been taken hostage in Mongolia due to a certain incident during practise for the Inaugural Grand Prix.
There was further vile news for the future of the Chinese Grand Prix yesterday when it was announced that Wally From Fairstar "We Want Your Business Today" would no longer be sponsoring the race. With this debarcle, it is almost certain that this most exciting circuit will be overlooked next year for the supposedly improved Ethiopian circuit. One must certainly hope so.

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