The Tales:
"A dead dog was found with it’s head sticking out of a frozen pond and we used it as a goal-post for a pond-hockey game."
"During the summer, I would attend the Ground Round on a daily basis at the same hour every day. Buffalo wings would be served to me upon my arrival at my reserved table. Every day I received the same amount of wings, the same amount of sour cream, and two glasses of water served by the same waitress."
"They make tires that never wear out. They may be purchased in Billerica."
Just recently Ernie said: "I never said anything about buying tires that never wear out in Billerica. I don’t know where you guys come up with this shit."
"I skated on the Atlantic Ocean."
"My friends built a snowman on the railroad tracks which happened to freeze overnight. The next day it was struck by a train, resulting in the derailment of the train and the death of two engineers."
"I know the Prince of Pakistan."
"My friend was arrested for throwing away a quarter and a penny."
"I had $9000 worth of free dental work done as an experiment."
"I couldn’t breath out of my nose for the first nine years of my life."
"Drowning isn’t really that bad."
"At NMH(prep school), we ran a minor racketeering syndicate. We sold booze at exorbitant rates to all the students."
"The best girls are at a strip-bar in Billerica."
Ernie’s feeble attempt at logic:
"Look at those Irish bagpipes. They must be Irish bagpipes if Irish people are playing them."
"My grandfather could look at a housing complex and guess how many boards comprise the complex, with a margin of error of only two boards."
"I used to be in a reggae band in prep school. We used to jam and smoke dope. I played guitar."
"I used to read the Prince of Pakistan’s Koran(the Islamic holy book) from time to time."
"My uncle swims with the whales."
Ernie knows a kid who "takes the Bible word for word and soon the Jews will rule the world."
"When I was in prep school, I used to bang my head to Metallica with my mid-back length hair in my mouth."
Ernie’s teacher was Bill Clinton’s R.A.
"At a bar in Ohio, you can get eight buckets of beer for $3."
"I found a skunk in my room."
"I want to be Marty Quirk’s sidekick."
"The reason why I can’t score is because my skates are too wide."
"There was a girl who baby-sat on my street. She used to make the young kids eat her out."
"Haz and I broke into a house to have a party, but we couldn’t get the keg through the window."
"When I was five years old, the general synopsis was that I was either blind or retarded. My parents sent me to the hospital to determine my ailments because I kept walking into walls and knocking myself out."
"I had professional golf status in high school. I could be on the tour."
"My father engineered the construction of Air Force One. He knows all the nuclear launch codes on the plane. If I look hard enough in my house, I may find them. They may be set off by pressing the correct combinations of buttons on a touch-tone telephone."
"Spinach is no good for you. Too much can kill you."
"I never put anything unnatural in my body."
"My father used to ‘round-up’ rattlesnakes. They would bite his boots and he would catch them with a net. He caught them for their expensive venom."
(here is a picture of Sully listening to Ernie's stories for over two hours)
"If war breaks out, the president boards a top-secret plane and flies around until the war is over."
"Aids is so small that it can penetrate a rubber."
"My friend Frank can kick his foot 74MPH. He can knock a gun out of anyone’s hand."
"I drove by a gasoline truck that was exploding while I was driving home on Route 3. I could feel the heat from the fire in my car, so I rolled the windows up."
"On an average day of golf, I used to be able to sink 40-50 foot putts with ease."
"If you are bitten by an alligator while intoxicated, the alligator will spit you out because they don’t like the taste of alcohol."
"You can hold your breath for at least 15 minutes under-water in a hot-tub by sucking on the air hoses."
"My brother’s friend is one of the richest guys in the USA. He has a knife that shoots blades."
"My brother was a better pitcher than Tommy Glavine."
"I am the smartest person in the Psychology department."
"If I win on the poker machine, I tell you. If I lose on the poker machine, I still tell you. You know me, I never lie."
"I know a kid who was born with a mustache."
"My brother is the American Collegiate Foosball Champion. He won at the U-Mass Tournament."
"I could easily play for the Providence Bruins."
"Billy, I take better care of my car than you."
Ernie knows a Russian drinking secret:
"If you roll around in the snow while you are drinking, you won’t get bloated. My Russian friend at Waterville Valley told me."
"Professor Rand is putting me in charge of his new security service at the Waterville Valley Condominium complex."
Ernie missing a pool shot at the Pub… "This fuckin’ table is tilted!"
"I know the guy who owns the golf-course where Caddyshack was filmed. It cost a mint to fix and renovate the course."
Upon learning that Dapper writes notes to be converted into poetry when drinking heavily, Ernie immediately became aquainted with those times that he, himself, would experience mystical illusions when also drinking heavily.
Ernie receiving his Cutlass from the garage after receiving his second engine and second transmission:
"Oldsmobiles are the best cars. They last forever."
"The Prince of Pakistan is entitled to choose his future spouse and all other mistresses from a catalog obtained by the Royal family."
At NMH(prep school), upon hearing that there were conflicting rivalries between Ernie’s friend, the Prince of Pakistan, and fellow classmate, the Prince of Jordan, Ernie was careful not to take sides but was often caught in the middle of heated national conflicts.
"Renegade is the best television show."
Billy running into Ernie at the concessions stand at the Boston Garden during a Bruins game:
Ernie: "You hear that last chant the crowd was yelling?"
Billy: "yeah, so what?"
Ernie: "Well, I started it!"
"My grandfather’s brother worked top-secret on the Manhattan project."
While it takes most of us at least fifteen hours to drive from Manchester, NH to Myrtle Beach, SC; sometimes even driving at reckless speeds, Ernie claims he made the journey in just under twelve hours.
"So what if my brother hasn’t graduated from law school or even passed the BAR exam yet; he is still a lawyer."
"All dogs are shy. They will not go to the bathroom if someone is watching them. You have to turn your back to them and then they will go to the bathroom."
The Haz Chapter
(Ernie’s sidekick and lie verifier)
"My mother opened up a bag of chips and got one big chip instead of a bunch of small ones."
"Ralph Sampson now drives a cab in New York City."
"During the 1986 NBA Championships at the Boston Garden, there were one-thousand people hiding in the rafters watching the game."
"Bigfoots don’t eat meat. They’re vegetarians."
"When I was younger, I went skiing with my friend and his father (who was in the Mob). While we were eating lunch in the lodge, a hit-man from a rival Mob family came in and opened fire upon us. We ducked and managed to escape unscathed while an innocent bystander was shot in the commotion."
