Warped Wisdom 

-smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips

-sex is like air, its not important unless you aren't getting any.

-never take life seriously. nobody gets out alive anyway

-no guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

-if quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool
 that first said "quit while you are ahead"?

-never sleep with anyone crazier than you.

-everybody should believe in something-i believe i'll have another
 drink.

-if everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.

-sex is like snow.  you never know how many inches you are going to get,
 or how long it will last.

-one good turn gets most of the blankets

-there is no difference between a wise man and a fool when it comes to
 love.

-it is better to be looked over than to be overlooked

-women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

-if con is the opposite of pro, then would the opposite of progress be
 congress?

-there are three kinds of people: those who count and those who can't.

-it is not what a teenager know that bothers his parents. it is how he
 found out!

-since blue and white is the international sign for handicapped, what
 does that say about the iowa licence plates?

-there are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

-if elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his
 coffin.

-life is sexually transmitted

-everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.

-if at first you dont succeed-give up! no use being a damn fool.

-time is nature's way of making sure that all the shit doesn't happen at
 once.

-falling in love is awfully simple.  falling out of love is simply awful

-you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people
 some of the time, but you can't fool mom

-no job is so simple that it cannot be done wrong

-you can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

-everything is possible, except skiing through revolving doors.

-disco is to music what the etch-a-sketch is to art.

-Fundamental law of the universe: nothing travels faster than a
 bouncing check.

-the man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame
 it on