People - please note! The following new computer viruses have been detected. Please be alert for them when you scan your computers!
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
You're in California, but your data is in Massachusetts.
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. The computer locks up and then the screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jus cant figyour out watt!
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing but claims to be the most important part of your computer.
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your bank account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. After it had tried to spend it through CompuServe but was unable to find anything worth purchasing in their mall system.
Your programs can never be found again.
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them all in "self defense".
Keeps taxing more and more of your computer resources while accomplishing less and less, meanwhile your computer becomes totally dependent on it. It takes over all your media so that the truth about what it's doing is obscured.
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Just does it.
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks from Sears.
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Screen goes black and mesmerizing displays appear on the monitor. When it feels it has the user under control, sound board makes unusually noises sounding like a maniacal laughter then slurping, sucking sounds as the RAM, disk space and hard drive configurations slowly decrease. There is no scan that can detect it however, if caught early, exposing the CPU to sunlight will destroy it.
