"Hey Patch, check it out. Your soul mate is a dog!" Toddy said as the satanic dog jumped around Patch’s legs and yapped.

"Yeah, and a little shit at that!" Ronaldo said. "Ah guys? What are we going to do about this? It says we’re going to die." Ronaldo looked like he was about to cry.

"Dunno, but it sure seems to have taken a liking to Patch!" Toddy laughed as the dog kept jumping around Patch, who was trying to shoo it away.

Toddy and Ronny started arguing about what they should do while Patch grew more and more agitated with the other Patch. Toddy was repeating his idea to befriend the dog and make it their pet when he was interrupted by Patch’s shouts.

"That’s it! You could be the spawn of Elvis fucking Presley for all I care, just leave me alone!" With that, Patch delivered a kick to the dog which sent it flying into the air. They watched as it flew about fifty metres and landed in a field of poppies where the once cute little puppy exploded.

"Or we could just do that," Toddy said. Suddenly the ground began to shake and smoke rose from the cracks in the road.

"Good one McSporrin. Now we’re all going to die thank you very much!" Ronaldo said as the three guys turned and ran as quickly as they could away from the smoking road.

They ran and ran until they could run no more and fell to the ground gasping for breath. Toddy looked back but saw no sign of the smoke or anything out of the ordinary. That is until they heard a giggle, then another, then another. Soon the air around them was filled with the sound of bell-like laughter.

"Alright shut the fuck up! We know Ronny looks a little funny ... show yourselves right now or he’ll start playing his banjo." This was Patch yelling of course. He looked around as a hundred little people appeared from out of their hiding places.

"Anything but that ... please!" one of them said.

"Great, a fucking midget convention!" Patch again.

"Yeah well you should fit right in," Toddy said.

One of the little people stepped forward. "We owe you many thanks for you have rid us of our enemy, the Devil Dog of Due East."

"That what?" Ronaldo asked.

"Patch, the satanic spawn of the Devil Dog of Due North."

"Oh, of course," Patch mumbled.

"You have freed us, how can we ever repay you?" another little person asked.

"A thousand dollars would be nice" Toddy suggested.

Suddenly the ground began to shake and smoke seeped through the cracks in the road ... woah! Dejavu!

"Oh no, we must hide! It is the satanic spawn of the Devil Dog of Due North" the little people all screamed.

"I thought we killed Patch," Patch said.

"Yes, but this is his sister. She’s the Devil Dog of Due West, and much nastier than her brother. You must hide ... oh ... umm ... too late!"

Well ... I just read over that last bit there and realised that it may have been a bit confusing for some people. I mean I wrote it and yet have NO idea what it means, so let me try and summarise it here.

There were three Devil Dogs - The Devil Dog of Due North and her two puppies (or Satanic Spawn if you wish) one from Due East, one from Due West. Patch killed the dog from Due East, which was coincidentally also named Patch. Now the dog of Due West is pissed off and wants revenge. Alas the boys have no ruby slippers to help them out of this mess. Now I’ll take you back to the strange yet oddly familiar story line.

"What ever are we going to do?" Dorothy ... sorry ... Patch asked.

"Here," one of the little people said and she gave Patch a package. "Take these, they will help you." Then all the little people disappeared again.

"What is it? What is it?" Ronaldo jumped around Patch in a not dissimilar way to the puppy Patch before it was killed.

"Whatever it is, it had better work, and quickly. Look!" Toddy pointed as a cute little puppy trotted towards them. Patch opened the box and took out a bowl of dog food and a collar.

"This looks surprisingly simple," he said as he put the bowl on the ground. The puppy came straight over to him and began to eat, which gave Patch the opportunity to put the collar around the puppy’s neck. A mechanical voice came out of nowhere.

"This puppy will self destruct in five seconds. FIVE ... FOUR ..." The three guys ran as fast as they could away from the explosive dog. The force of the explosion knocked them all to the ground. They dragged themselves to their feet, glad that it appeared to be over. Little people, now black and charred, began appearing again.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" they were saying.

"It was nothing really. It was actually dead simple. Why couldn’t any of you do it?" Patch asked.

"Oh ... well thanks to a genetic screw up we are all allergic to dogs. One piece of hair up the nose and we die."

Ronaldo burst out laughing, unsure of quite why he was doing it.

"No you must find the hidden city of Dlareme and talk to the Draziw of Zo. Only then will you find your way home" one of the little people said.

"What a load of shit! All we have to do to get home is to come back the way we came," Toddy said.

"Yeah. If we follow the road in this direction we’ll be back where we began, at home." Ronaldo pitched in.

"Look, you’re really stuffing up the story here. Don’t ask questions, just follow the slightly off white brick road to the city of Dlareme! Go now! Before that tornado comes and takes us all back to Sasnak!" The little people all went back into hiding.

"There’s no tornado. What drugs were they taking?" Patch asked as the guys looked around. "Oh well, we might as well keep going." They wandered up the road, the smell of barbequed devil dog making them all a little hungry. They decided to try and find somewhere to eat.

"Why don’t we ask her?" Ronaldo pointed to a short blonde young woman who was walking towards them.

PART EIGHT

"Umm, excuse me, could you tell us where we could find something to eat around here?" Ronaldo called out. The girl looked at him.

"Yeah, sure. Just follow the slightly off white brick road about two miles and there’s a diner. But I’d be careful if I were you, there are some pretty nasty guys around." The girl had an American accent.

"B...b...bad guys?" Ronaldo stammered. "What sort of bad guys?"

"Umm ... big, pale skin, pointy teeth."

"Yeah, u-huh. Let me guess. They can’t go out in the sun and can be killed only by a stake through the heart." Patch sneered.

"Huh? What planet are you living on?" the girl asked.

"Well you are the Slayer aren’t you?" Patch said.

"Oh yeah!" Ronaldo said. "The girl from that really crappy movie, now a great TV show." Ronaldo looked up at the sky. "Hey, keep your opinions to yourself!" Patch punched Ronaldo and began muttering about the bloody sky and Ronaldo being stupid.

"Slayer? Dunno what you’re talking about," the girl said.

"Then who are you?" Toddy asked. "And who are these bad guys?"

"I’m Bunny and..."

"Nah, you’re a person!" Ronaldo said.

"What?"

"You’re not a bunny, you’re a person!"

"You ass! My name’s Bunny! The bad guys are members of a demonic cult of daylight vampires. They can go out in the sun but if they get wet they multiply, and they turn into right proper little shits if you feed them after midnight. Luckily I had a thing going with one of them, a real spunk, so they left me alone. I don’t think they’ll like you though, they don’t much like stupidity."

"Hey, what makes you think we’re stupid?" Ronaldo asked.

"Well for starters you’re wearing your underwear over your trousers." Bunny pointed out.

"What? How the hell ..." Ronaldo wandered off behind a tree muttering to himself.

"What should we do?" Toddy asked.

"Well your best bet would be to kill them ... but you all look kinda weedy. Maybe if you take out the head vamp, he’s strangely easy to kill."

"How do we know who he is?" Patch asked.

"Umm ..." Bunny looked at Toddy. "I think you already know him. He talked about a guy fitting your description all the time. Yeah ... I’m sure it was you. Is your name Toddy?" Toddy nodded. "Well then he should be easy to find. He has quite a thing for you! Good luck, you’ll need it!" She turned and left as Ronaldo appeared, still muttering.

"Should we go?" Patch asked. Toddy just stood there shaking, Ronaldo was deep in conversation with himself about the underwear thing, convinced that it was somehow Fleecy’s fault (the strange boiled egg man they met earlier, just in case people didn’t read that part!) so Patch answered his own question. "What the hell. At least I won’t be alone with these two for a bit. C’mon you dicks, let’s go." He led the way towards the diner.

PART NINE

As they approached the diner they heard loud yells and shouts coming from inside.

"Umm ... I don’t think that this is such a good idea" Toddy said as a huge figure crashed through the window. He stood up, dusted himself off and climbed back inside through the now-broken window. "Things look pretty rough ..." Toddy whimpered.

"I’m hungry," Ronaldo said.

"We could get hurt," said Toddy.

"I said I’m hungry!" Ronaldo’s voice got louder.

"We might even die!" Toddy was nearly crying.

"I’M STARVING!!!!!" Ronaldo shouted.

"Or even worse, I might get hit in the face!!!!!"

"I SAID..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!" Patch yelled. "Toddy, forget about your face. Ronaldo, if you’re so bloody hungry then go in there and get some food!" He gave Ronaldo some money. Ronaldo glared at Patch and went inside the diner. A second later he came flying out through a window and landed in a heap at Toddy’s feet.

"Umm ... I think we should find somewhere else. This is a bit too ... ah ... expensive. Yeah, too expensive." Ronaldo stood up as Toddy vigorously nodded his head. Patch just ignored them both and marched towards the diner. The other two watched him, expecting to see him get thrown out a window too. But a few minutes went by and nothing. No shouting, no screaming, nothing. They crept closer and peered in the window.

They saw Patch sitting at a table with four of the biggest guy in the place. He was smiling and laughing, deep in conversation with them.

"Well how do you like that?" Ronaldo said. "I get thrown out a window and he becomes their best friend."

"I s’pose it makes sense, they’re his kind of people...creatures...whatever. They can probably relate to him," Toddy said as Patch came out carrying a pile of food which he gave to Ronaldo. They just stared at him.

"What?" Patch asked.

"What the hell did you do in there?" Toddy asked.

"I talked to them. Turns out they’re not as nasty as that Bunny chick made out. They only did that to Ronaldo because they don’t like people with overly large heads!"

Ronaldo said nothing, just glared at Patch with tears in his eyes.

"What about this head vamp she was talking about?" Toddy asked.

"Oh ... umm ... well they didn’t really know much about him. All they could tell me is that he’s pretty much nuts. C’mon, lets just keep going." Patch wandered off with Ronaldo following him. Toddy was about to follow as well when an arm shot out from behind a tree and yanked him towards it.

"Hello soldier ..." a voice said as a gun was pressed to his temple.

PART TEN.

"Umm ... umm ..." Toddy really didn’t know what to say or do. He turned to look at the person holding the gun but was stopped by the sound of the trigger being cocked.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I’m Slob, and you’re got a problem," the person said.

"Well actually I’d say you’re the one with the problem," Toddy said. "Just because your name’s Slob doesn’t mean that you have to ignore personal hygiene. You stink!"

"Oh yeah? Well this gun here says that I don’t and I’d listen to it if I were you soldier."

"Look, I’m not a soldier. I think you have the wrong person," Toddy managed to stammer. He was very close to wetting himself.

"Are you refusing to do your duty to your country? We need you, the USA needs you, Uncle Sam needs you!"

"B...b...but I’m not American."

"Are you trying to deny your proud heritage? What’s the matter soldier, too scared to hold a gun?"

"Well ... yes actually."

"Well then I have no choice but to kill you now." Slob aimed the gun at Toddy’s right eye. "Uncle Sam, this one’s for you!" He pulled the trigger but the gun didn’t go off. The only noise was a loud crack coming from above their heads. They looked up to see a large branch falling towards them. Toddy jumped out of the way as the branch landed on Slob, a stick piercing his heart.

"I’ve got a problem," he said.

"Yeah, you could say that," agreed Toddy.

"I’m Slob ... and I’ll be back. Oh shit!" Slob disappeared in a cloud of dust.

"Oi! Furglebottom! Hurry up!" Patch yelled as he looked around the tree.

"Did you see that?" Toddy asked.

"See what? What the hell were you doing?

"Never mind, you’d never believe me anyway." They headed off to catch up to Ronaldo who was happily skipping his way along the road.

Some time later ...

"Ease on down, ease on down, ease on down the road ..."

"SHUT UP!" Patch screamed. He was so sick of Ronaldo singing that he really couldn’t take any more. Ronaldo stopped singing and pouted. He slumped his shoulders and stomped off. But his face brightened when he saw what was next to the road.

"Hey guys! Come look at this!" He ran off the road towards an odd looking house. "It’s made of gingerbread and lollies!" Ronaldo pulled a bit off and ate it.

"Gee," muttered Toddy. "Can you say ‘plagiarism’? How about unoriginal?" Suddenly a rock was dropped ... ah ... fell from the sky, hitting Toddy square on the head.

Patch wandered up to the front door. "I wonder who lives here," he said.