My thanks and gratitude go to Nessa Owen. She is a great beta and friend.
ETA- I also need to thank Laredo Grissom for her suggestions. This edited version of the chapter reflects some of those corrections and suggestions.
Her vacation started thirty minutes ago and Sara was already running late. She anxiously rummaged through her locker looking for her keys, thinking how it was just her luck that she would lose them now. She was supposed to meet Alex in an hour and she still had some last minute packing to do. All of her luck must have been already used up this week-these last few days had been just busy enough to avoid unnecessary contact with Grissom. The latest case had him, Warrick and Nick working overtime and away from the lab. The moments that she did see him, either in passing or during briefings, were nothing short of strange. After their breakfast she expected him to avoid her-ignore her even, but what she got was just the opposite -- and it was a pleasant surprise, not encountering the expected hostility.
Finally finding her keys, Sara shut her locker, breathing a sigh of relief. She didn't know exactly where these nerves were coming from. Her excitement over the vacation had turned to anxiety. She no longer held the enthusiasm she originally felt when they'd made the plans. She didn't know if it was just jitters about going away with Alex or if it was the short-but telling-conversation she'd had with Grissom that was to blame.
She had already said almost all of her good-byes earlier that morning. Nick, Warrick and Greg had worked together and given her their own handwritten version of Vacationing for Dummies. They found the fact that she was actually taking time off amusing. This prompted them to create their own parody of the book, their excuse being that she needed a crash course in how to survive without her lab kit and that it would also serve as some entertainment during the four hour drive. Catherine gave her a firm hug and told her to have fun and not to think about the things back home. Sara knew it was easier said than done.
She had one more person to say goodbye to. She had put Grissom off till last in hopes that he would leave the lab before her. Sara didn't want any awkwardness, but not checking out with the boss before vacation generally didn't go over well.
Walking down the corridor to his office, she noticed that his light was still on and as she got closer she could see him working at his desk. She slowed her pace, taking time to observe him. She had always thought of him as attractive - since the day they met - but she would have to say that age did wonders for this man. The speckle of gray through his hair and his beard, his boyish nose and blue eyes-a perfect contradiction. She smiled as she watched him get up from his seat to get a file from the cabinet. He had gained a little weight over the years but that also suited her just fine. She often imagined unzipping those jackets of his to freely snake her arms around his waist and hold him close. She knew that it would be warm, firm, safe – it would be wonderful.
Feeling the familiar lump in her throat and pang in her heart, she pushed those thoughts aside. Grissom couldn't do it. Their breakfast was the same old song and dance – the same pull after the push. The difference this time was that the stakes were higher and so his words were prettier. She knew how he felt, but the conflicts were still there and so was the pain that was inflicted. He couldn't do it.
Even if he could do it, she was in a relationship. A good one. A caring one. She took these things seriously and there was no way she was going to risk hurting Alex – or herself, for that matter – only to have Grissom push her away again.
Leaning up against the doorframe, she checked her watch. She needed to make this quick and get going.
"Hey," she said, startling him into slamming the file cabinet more forcefully than usual.
Grissom didn't turn around; busying himself with the case file he just retrieved. "Hey, Sara. So, uh, I guess you're off. Venice, right?"
"Yeah."
"You know, that's not too far from where I was born – where I grew up. Actually, my mother has a gallery in Venice."
"A gallery?"
"She pretty much sits on the sidelines now. A couple of years ago she hired some people to help her run it, but she still goes in everyday."
"I didn't know that. You've never been so open about your mother before."
Finally turning around, Grissom placed the file in his briefcase and sat on the edge of his desk. "Well, I did some thinking that morning after our breakfast and there are some changes that I need to make."
"There is no reason why we can't behave like we should."
"I agree. This is good, I'm glad that we can get past this and that you are moving on."
"Sara, I said that changes were going to be made – moving on is not one of them."
"What?"
"I'm not going to be giving up anytime soon – I can't."
"You can't? I don't understand, I…" Sara stopped talking and swiftly turned around to shut his office door. Turning back to face him, she leaned against the door for support. "Grissom, why now? After all this time why are you trying now?"
"Not trying was my mistake all along."
"How do you know if trying now isn't also a mistake?"
"I don't think it is -it feels too right to be a mistake. When Gerard told me about Hank, I – lets just say that I handled that poorly. I shut you out - pushed you away. I pushed even harder after you asked me to dinner. I can't push anymore, Sara. When you started dating Detective Vartan-"
"Alex," she interrupted.
"Right, Alex. When you started dating Alex, I thought that it wasn't all that serious. I thought that it was just friendly. I didn't want to misinterpret things like I did with Hank."
"He isn't Hank."
Grissom's wince did not go unnoticed, nor did the sadness in his voice. "Yeah, I'm realizing that."
"I know how you feel, Grissom. You know that I heard your conversation with Lurie."
"No, Sara, you don't know how I feel. You don't know because I have never told you."
"You said all I needed to hear. It doesn't matter what you feel or what I feel."
There was no stopping the tears this time. She struggled to speak through her already tightening throat. "You said that you couldn't do it and that's all that it really comes down to." She turned her back toward him and quickly wiped the tears away, but not without a few muttered curses.
Grissom got up and slowly crossed the room. "Is that when you gave up?"
"That's when I should have given up but, no, I gave up the night I was pulled over. I was, uh, tired-drained. You won. So, I let go."
"This isn't a game."
She spun around to face him and if she was stunned by his proximity, it didn't show. "Isn't it though? How many times have we done this, or a similar version of this? It's always been hot and cold with us, Grissom. Can you honestly say that we would be having this conversation if I weren't with Alex? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you would have come to me, that you would be fighting for me if he weren't a threat?"
"You wouldn't. I know you wouldn't."
"I have made many mistakes, Sara. Mistakes that I am paying for - dearly, but they are mistakes that I am constantly learning from. It may not have been last week or even today, but Sara, I would have come to you. Do I feel threatened by Alex? Yes. Did that provoke me to do this right now? Yes."
"Then how do you know that you would have still come to me?"
"I know for the same reason as to why I can't give up - because we belong together."
He took that last step into her personal space and grabbed her hand with both of his. They stood there for a moment, both looking at his fingers caressing her hand as if they were willing her to hear his words-feel his heart.
"It has taken me forever to admit it to myself and even longer to admit it you. God, Sara." He painfully whispered. It was his turn to swallow down the burn in his throat-to fight his tears. "Do you know how much it is killing me -- knowing that somebody else has their arms around you at night in what should be my side of your bed?"
"He's not just somebody. He loves me."
"Do you love him?"
Her silence and bowed head answered for her.
"Oh, honey," he said. He took his hand and brought it up to cup her face and bent his head to meet her eyes. "Please tell me that you are not just playing it safe."
"I need a little 'safe' right now Grissom. I care for him. I can trust him-I can't trust you. I have no way of knowing that things will change."
"I know. I promise you that things will change. I'll prove it to you – I'll regain your trust."
His thumb stroking her cheek felt like heaven and was distracting her heart, but not her mind. "I can't put my life on hold while you do that."
"I know. I'll wait."
"Grissom-"
He brought his other hand to her opposite cheek and leaned his forehead against hers, whispering, "Forever, if I have to."
"You can't do that," she said, bringing her own hands up to cover his.
"I can. I will. You're worth it, Sara-you're worth risking it all for."
"Grissom, please." She had to close her eyes before removing his hands from her face and gently pushing him away. This was all too much to bear. "I have to go. I'm running late."
"Right." Rubbing the back of his neck, he continued, "Listen, uh, did he work last night? What I mean is, you worked all night and it's a bit of a drive to make right after a shift-I just want to make sure that you get there safely."
She could tell that this was hard for him and was amazed by his effort. "He got off early to rest."
"Good. Uh, I have one more thing to say before you go. I just – I need you to promise me something."
"What?"
"I know that this relationship is progressing but, uh, if he – or any man, for that matter - ever asks you to marry him, only say yes if you love him. Not because it's easy or safe, but because he's the person you can't imagine your life without."
"Griss-"
"Is it really that unreasonable?"
"No. No, it's not. I really have to go. I'll see you next week."
She didn't wait for a response and, not for the first time, she left him alone in his office.
TBC…
