Chapter 7
Alex found his new favorite pastime.
From his perch on the coffee table, he observed the woman on his couch, deep in slumber. His eyes wandered from head to toe, taking in every line...every curve. Some he knew by heart and some were still left to be discovered. It amazed him how someone so strong and tough could at the same time be delicate and fragile. Seeing her eyes flutter under her lids, he knew that she was dreaming and wondered what, or rather whom, she was dreaming about. Alex hoped her dreams were about him, but feared they were about the man who had captured her attention long before he came into the picture.
On his way home that morning, he stopped by Paul's Bakery for muffins. While he was filling the bag with his favorites, as well as Sara's, his thoughts wandered to the breakfast he knew she was sharing with Grissom. When he left the bakery, he glanced up the street to the direction of the diner and scanned the parking lot to see if Sara had arrived. Her car confirmed her arrival but that wasn't what held his interest-it was the figure resting against the hood. Sara sat looking at the door of the diner as if going in was her biggest decision yet, and -- not for the first time -- he wished he was privy to her thoughts. Snapping from his reverie by the shaking of her head, he watched as she got up, placed a hand over her stomach and took a deep breath. Closing her eyes briefly, in what he would call a prayer, she entered the diner. He wasn't sure he really wanted to know what was going on inside.
Sitting here now, with her laying in front of him, he still wasn't sure. Because right now she is still his. Right now she is the woman he loves, waiting, sleeping on his couch-not the woman with butterflies in her stomach outside the diner. He watched as peacefulness morphed to restlessness and knew this precious moment was nearing its end. Wanting her first waking thoughts to be of him, he leaned over and trailed his hand along her cheek while giving her a light but sweet kiss.
Stretching to rid herself of the kinks acquired from napping on a couch, she opened her eyes and smiled. "Mmm. You're back," she said, closing them again.
"Yeah," he whispered. "I took longer than expected. Why don't you go lay in the bed, you're beat."
"Do I look that bad?"
Getting up from the couch, she headed to the kitchen and grabbed two bottled waters from the fridge. Alex followed her in and hopped up on the counter. "You look beautiful."
Sara cocked her eyebrow and tossed him a bottle. He continued, "Well, in a tired, overworked, in need of a wonderful vacation in California kinda way."
His smiled faltered when the statement didn't have the effect he thought it would. Sara's eyes shifted south before turning back to the fridge to rummage through the fruit drawer.
"Thanks for the muffin this morning," she said over her shoulder.
"No problem."
He sat there, toying with the label on the water bottle, trying to figure out a way to sidestep the topic that both were willing to avoid. Watching Sara expertly prepare the fruit for a salad, he noticed that her back was a bit straighter, her movements more deliberate. They were going to have to talk.
"Sidle. Babe .."
In all the time they have been together, this was the first time that Alex had felt distance. Even in the beginning, it was reluctance, not distance. Hopping down off the counter, he turned her around and removed the knife from her hand, for fear that it may end up in his heart.
"What happened this morning?"
"Don't worry about it. Everything is fine."
She tried to turn back to her task when Alex caught her arm, turning her again to face him. Framing her face with his hands, he looked into her eyes and silently begged her to talk.
"Sara. What did he have to say?"
He was thankful that she closed her eyes when she told him that Grissom wanted another chance because her voice was already too much to bear. He dropped his hands from her face and took a step back.
"Oh."
She opened her eyes and looked at Alex, both waiting for the other to speak.
Every question asked so far had not yielded a favorable response, so when he spoke, it was with great trepidation. "What did you tell him?"
"That I am happy."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes." She said, taking his hand. "We have talked about all of this before, Alex. I needed to let go."
"But you love him though, right? You're right, we have talked about all of this before. When we first started dating you said that you would always love him."
"Yes."
"And he loves you."
"It isn't enough. He can't give me more than that. The more he gives- the more he gets scared... and the more he ends up taking away. He could never give "us" a real chance."
"What if he can?"
"He can't! He thinks he can, but he can't." Letting her anger at his insistence get to her, she continued, "Why are you asking me this? How long should I have waited?"
"I don't know. I think you waited long enough, but that is just my opinion. I think that after years of putting you on an emotional roller coaster, him asking for another chance with you -- while you are dating me -- is pretty fucked up. Again, my opinion. What's also fucked up is that fact that you knew what he wanted and still, you went to meet him! Why the hell didn't you blow him off, Sidle!?"
"I don't know."
"Are you sure?"
She looked at him with confusion and disbelief-that was the second time today she was asked that. "What do you want me to say? I'm here. I'm right here with you."
He took his free hand and toyed with the ends of her hair. The loose tendrils eased his worried mind with every turn of his finger. He just had to have faith that Sara knew what she was doing. Pressing the issue was only going to cause problems.
Taking a deep breath, he decided to lay it all on the line. "Sara, I love you. This is not how I pictured saying that but I need you to know where my heart is. I need you to know that I want our relationship to last-for a very long time."
"I know, Alex," she said, pulling him into a hug.
"If you say that this isn't a problem, well, then it isn't a problem."
Sara turned her face and kissed his cheek. Resting her chin on his shoulder, she replied, "It's not a problem." The conviction in her voice contradicted the uncertainty in her face.
TBC...
