Post Committed. GSR.
Thanks to Nessa Owen for the beta work. I gave her a workout! Screw correct tenses – I’ll have Nessa fix them!
And thanks to Laura Katharine who probably never thought I would actually post this story.
This is a response to the Unbound challenge.
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"What is that suppose to be?" she asked, with a grimace, the hosts of the infomercial. Moments like this made her wonder why she paid for cable only to have nothing to watch. After ten minutes of being told why the Eggstractor was the way to go when peeling eggs, Sara reached for the remote and put herself out of misery. This was supposed to be a distraction, not an annoyance.
The silence was welcoming for the first few moments. In those moments she could breathe freely and think clearly. When the familiar thumping resumed she closed her eyes tight. It was the thumping that kept her up at night. The thumping that, day to day, guided her determination at work, and motivated her more by need than want. She wondered if everyone could hear their heart this loudly or if it was just her.
With her eyes still shut she reached up and brushed the side of her neck with her fingertips. There was a slight sting and she knew that if she were to look in the mirror she’d see some redness. It was a superficial injury likely to be gone tomorrow. The memory, on the other hand, would take its place in a line of events that were supposed to make her stronger.
After all – it hadn’t killed her.
It could have killed her.
She never would have guessed when she started this case that she would be in a locked room, on her knees, with her life in the hands of a mental patient. She wouldn’t have guessed that later on she would feel sorry for that patient and wish him a better life. And she surely wouldn’t have guessed that Grissom would drop by her home on his way to work this evening.
It wasn’t really that he stopped by that surprised her – it was the reason.
Sara sighed as she opened her eyes. He’d been right here – in front of her. He’d told her that he wanted her. That the incident scared him and that he was too tired and too upset to hold back any longer.
She remembered the way his eyes had looked. In them she’d seen sorrow, pain, pleading and - oh God, so much love. It was the moment she had wanted for so long and yet …
She’d said no. She wasn’t ready and wasn’t sure she ever would be.
She thought she’d seen a twitch of surprise as he took in her answer, but the veil of her pending tears might have deceived her. Her ears had not, however, when she heard a strangled … something emerge from him.
Grissom had asked why. Was she afraid he wasn’t true? Did she think this the act of a desperate man? He explained that he was sorry – he’d only wanted to protect his heart.
She’d told him that she didn’t doubt his sincerity. She could always see his heart through his eyes and it’s a beautiful heart and he had every right to protect it. The reason they couldn’t be together was because of her and her uncertainties. She doubts her ability to love properly. She was never loved unconditionally, so how could she give the way that she‘d need to?
His answer had broken her heart.
“But you already do.”
It was just too late … or too early. She couldn’t tell which.
When he’d left she was right behind him, wishing him a good night knowing that he wouldn’t have one. That was when, for a second time that night, she’d hurt him.
He’d wanted friendship. To rebuild and grow and begin again - to use those bonds as a foundation for more. For two seconds it had sounded like the most wonderful idea. They could laugh and smile again, call each other again, share journals again but …
She’d said she wasn’t ready for that either.
They were too damaged – too scarred - and mending their friendship would be too much for her right now. Her past was her priority. She needed to work on herself before she could work on them and she wanted to do both with all that she had. Dividing her attention wouldn’t help either of them.
His hand had cupped her jaw and she remembered the tingling sensation of his thumb stroking her chin. That was the moment that he told her he loved her and that he’d be waiting for her. She’d kissed his cheek and then he was gone.
And here she was, an hour later, sitting alone listening to the beat of her heart subside. The thumping became a soft, slow beat and she was able to breathe again. Even though she had refused his friendship for the time being, she knew that he was helping her just the same. Thinking of him always soothed her anxiety.
Grissom. He was waiting for her.
Sara smiled at that thought. For the first time since … she couldn’t remember when, someone told her that they loved her. And it was Grissom. And she believed him.
Sara was happy and sad and tired and … hopeful. She got up from the couch and gathered her keys. She was going to take herself out to dinner. Something terribly fattening and creamy and she’d have a glass of wine.
She was going to battle her past, enjoy the present and enrich her future. She made a promise to start over and for the first time she meant it.
Sara opened the door and turned back to look her apartment over. With a smile she reached over to the light switch and then the lights went out.