Puffer: Ladies and Gentleman, for the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching across the globe...welcome to the Bar Room Brawl SEEEMIIIIIIII FIIINAAAAAAAALLLLLS!!! Tonight's match up will pit two of the most fearsome warriors ever to step into the squared circle against each other...in the first ever RHOOOODE ISLAAAND DEAAAAAAATH MAAAAAAAAAATCH!!!!
"The Yellow River" by I.P. Freely blasts over the PA and the crowd pops as Barbarian steps out onto the ramp. Looking ever-so-fearsome in his Fred Flinstone dress, he has a bottle of tekillyou in one hand and his club in the other.
Puffer: Now stumbling to the ring, standing 6 feet 3 inches and weighing 265 pounds, representing the CGW and 160 Proof, master of the Barbaric Brain Squeeze...BARBAAAARIIIIAAAAAAANN!!!
Barbarian hops into the ring and finishes his bottle. The music changes to "Oops, I did it Again" and the crowd shifts to a mix of boos and cheers Antispawn walks out. He has his left arm bandaged up, but he still seems focused on his way to the ring. The Bar-tron lights up with the "I wish I knew flash but I don't so here's a pic ya whiney bastich."
Puffer: Now walking down the ramp, standing an even 7 feet, weighing in at 300 pounds, representing the AWO and VENOM, master of the No Sell...ANTIIIISPAAAAAAAWWNNN!!!!
Antispawn climbs into the ring and stares at Barbarian. Looking into each other's minds, they know that both of their lives will soon be changed forever.
Kronus is walking down the hallway in search of the kidnapped Britney Spears. Coming to a door labeled VENOM, he puts his ear up to the door. He waits for a few seconds of silence, then quickly picks the lock and lets himself into the room. A few cursory glances around don't reveal anything, so he walks deeper into the room. As he cautiously approaches the closet, a muffled voice can be heard. Opening the door, he finds Britney tied up with a gag in her mouth. He quickly unbinds her and helps her out of the closet.
Kronus: Britney! I finally found you...are you okay?
Britney: Yes, thank you so much. I am forever in your debt!
She jumps on Kronus and throws her arms around him.
Kronus: Oh...thanks. It was nothing, really.
Britney: No, you don't understand! I've been through hell!
Kronus: What did that sick man do to you??
Britney: Oh, horrible, HORRIBLE things!
Kronus: Like what?? Tell me!!
Britney: First there was the orgy with the midgets....then the goats and the donkey. And my body is still sore from the spankings with his huge, hard, wood!
Kronus: What??
Britney: I don't think I could take anymore of that ruler! And to top it all off he made me watch this video.
Kronus: What, like a porno?
Britney: No, it was called Commishing for Dummies. It was written by some guy named Kronus. My GOD, the AGONY!!!
Kronus: Come on now...it couldn't have been that bad...
Britney: I don't care...it's all over now. All thanks to you! Give me a kiss you big hunk of man.
Kronus smiles like a little schoolgirl and leans in for the kiss, only to be greeted with a swift kick to the nuts.
Kronus: Ugh....why did...
Britney: Man, I know you're stupid but COME ON!! You think a girl like Britney would ever go for someone like you? I was just staying in character.
Kronus: Huh? I don't understand...
Britney: You're dumber than I thought. COME ON OUT SISTERS!!
Kronus's jaw drops as hundreds of Britney Spears look alikes filter into the room.
Britney: I know you always wanted to be ****** by Britney. Now here's your big chance.
TVDOA moves in and starts attacking Kronus with moonsaults, planchas, and other graceful high flying moves. They start to argue amongst themselves, as there are so many women, and so little Kronus. After a few minutes of fun, they begin to retake their places in the shadows. Opening his eyes, Kronus grunts in pain. But no matter how bruised his body is...his ego hurts more.
I can't think of a question that gets asked more than this one. There have been many shots at answering this question...and some valid ones. Finding happiness, etc. etc. etc.
But what happens when your life gets so consumed by something that you think of nothing else but fufilling that one solitary goal?
I don't know if it's my warped little head, or just the psychology of man. Whatever the case, I can't rest until this is finished. This is why I am even here today. I don't care how it gets done, I am putting an end to this.
**** happiness. I just want the pain to go away.
Chip: Hello to all and welcome to the Bar for tonight's Semi-final action in the Bar Room Brawl! We've got an exciting match tonight as Antispawn of the AWO will be taking on Barbarian from CGW. I'm Chip Young, and with me are Jim Dale and the Bar Room Brawl Founder Grimm.
Dale: Yo!
Grimm: I'm looking forward to how this match unfolds. We've got Antispawn, a complete unknown who looked impressive last round, and we've got another relative unknown as his opponent.
Chip: Yes, but don't forget that Barbarian beat two very hard opponents in Reject and Luckee last round!
Dale: What happened to the old days with Shangoe and Inferno? These new guys suck...
Chip: The Bar Room Brawl was meant for up and coming stars! There were times when those two names were those of newcomers also.
Dale: Yeah...but these guys still suck.
Chip: Well I have it from the man himself that there is going to be another stipulation added to the match before the introductions.
Grimm: You got that right. After all the chaos that went on after the first round, I am banning TVDOA from ringside.
Chip: That's a very smart decision. There is no way Antispawn can lose with those hoochies out here.
Dale: Oh GREAT!! Now what the hell am I supposed to look at all match? Grimm's fat ass?
Grimm: Sorry Jimmy...but I can't afford any more boxers.
Dale: Anyone find the real Britney yet?
Grimm: No...runmor has it that Antispawn kidnapped her. But the police didn't have any evidence, we had to realease him.
Chip: That's a shame...dirty skank. And I almost forgot, not only is TVDOA banned from ringside, but this is going to be a Texas Death Match!! This will certainly shake things up.
Grimm: Oh, I forgot...there's been a lawsuit...we can't have that match anymore.
Chip: Lawsuit?? What are you talking about?
Grimm: Seems the Surpreme Court just passed a new version of the Affirmative Action law...you can't keep referring to Texas as big.
Chip: Well, it is the second biggest state in the nation.
Grimm: I know...but it seems the other states got together and filed a complaint. So we are having a Rhode Island Death Match instead.
Dale: Great....this day just keeps getting better and better.
Chip: What in the heck is a Rhode Island Death Match??
Grimm: After a slammer gets the pinfall, instead of having to answer a ten count, they have to answer a one count.
Chip: Oh, haha I get it. It's a one count because Rhode Island is smaller!
Dale: Gee....don't use all your brain cells at once Chip. You might get hurt.
Chip: Thanks. Now let's go to the back where Robbie Everton is in the 160 Proof locker room.
In the Proof locker room...
Phantasm and Charlie D are holding up Choke Hold for a kegstand, and Silky is sipping on a Coke reading pamphlets on alcoholism. Barbarian is fixing his Fred Flinstone dress and trying to down a flask of Devil Water at the same time.
Everton: Robbie Everton here with CGW Proof member Barbarian. Barbarian, how do you consider your chances of following in the footsteps and winning the Bar Room Brawl like famed Proof members Aguirra and Truth?
BWB: *Gulpgulpgulpgulpgulpgulp....BURRRRRRP*
Everton: Okay...well what do you think of your opponent Antispawn?
BWB: My brother Snake told me about him...seems like an alright guy. I invited him over for a drink before the match.
Everton: Really? Did he show?
BWB: Um...none of your damn business!
Everton: Actually it is. I'm a reporter.
BWB: Want some sauce?
Barbarian holds up the flask to Robbie, who shakes him off.
BWB: Suit yourself.
In the background, the Proofers drop Choke Hold and on the way down his leg bashes into the keg and snaps off.
CH: ...........
Phanta: Sorry bro, my bad.
CH: !!!!!!!!!!!
CD: Man, I don' know what you talkin bout, he feel no pain.
CH: ...........
Phanta: You're such a kidder Chokey. You really had me goin!
Everton: What IS that smell?
BWB: Oh, sorry. I haven't showered in a few weeks.
Everton: No, it smells like a rotting corpse.
CH: .........
Phanta: He didn't mean it Chokey. Don't pay any attention to him.
CD: Hey get the hell outta here man. Who you think you are talkin to a Proofa like dat?
Everton: You gotta be kidding me? Is he dead?
BWB: Yeah, so what? Dead people have feelings too. Now get the frag out.
Barbarian pushes Robbie out of the room and slams the door.
Everton: Well, some interesting prematch happenings from the Proof locker room. I'm Robbie Everton, back to you Chippendale.
At the announcers booth...
Chip: DAMMIT!! I thought we told him not to call us those degrading names anymore.
Grimm: Hehe, I gave him permission.
Chip: Thanks a lot. Now let's turn it over to Michael Puffer for the Match Introductions.
Pestilence is in the CRF locker room preparing for the other semi-final...
Oh man...Where the hell am I gonna find clothes at this hour?!?
I dunno...but this draft feels good on my bal-
Pesti jumps back in surprise as someone knocks in the door. He runs around the room frantically trying to find something to cover himself up with.
There's got to be a towel in here somewhere...
Who cares?! You don't need a towel. Just let your cockandballs feel the nice warm air!
Green Pesti sighs and grabs an empty pizza box off the table. He holds it in front of his groin and answers the door.
Kronus: Ummmm....am I interrupting anything?
No, that moron Batman took my clothes.
Ah...well you got a minute to talk?
No problem! We can "hang" out! BWAHAHHAAHA!!
Yeah...okay. Well anyway, have you heard anything about Britney?
Nope...I guess that Antispawn has still got her.
I can't believe that guy....what kind of prick stalks underage pop singers?
The smart ones.
I dunno man....but something tells me that guy has it in for you.
What makes you say that?
Gee let me think. How about his name ya jackass?
Hey now. It's just my instincts....somehow I feel like I know the guy.
Yeah, I feel that too. Well he's not getting away with this! I'm going to find his ass right now.
You go boy.
Kronus shakes his head at Pesti and leaves the room.
Way to go. Now you got him mad at us. Now help me find some clothes for our match.
Why can't we wear this pizza box? We can change our name to Pizza the Hut!
Antispawn walks up the steps of his bus after his morning workout. Whistling a certain familiar melody, he nods to the bus driver and walks down the aisle. He goes no further than the third seat before he freezes. Jerking his head left and right, he takes a few steps down the aisle and looks between the seats. The blood in his veins races faster as his movements quicken. Heart pounding faster, he yells out to the back of the bus. No answer. He curses under his breath and races to the front of the bus.
Anti: Where is she?
Driver: Huh? She's not back there?
Anti growls at the driver's incompetence and grabs him around the neck.
Anti: WHERE is she?
Driver: aaaaccchh-
Anti: WHERE THE **** IS SHE?!?
Lifting the driver out of his seat, Anti slams the man's head into the windshield. The glass cracks and he curses some more. Before he can land round number two, the driver passes out on the steering wheel. Anti releases him and violently starts shaking his head. Screaming at the top of his lungs, he begins to pound his left hand into the windshield. After a few punches, the glass shatters and Anti grunts in pain. Pulling back his hand, the open wounds reveal growing streaks of blood. Energy now drained, Anti lowers his head in defeat.
In the rear of the bus, a solitary head pops up from behind a seat. It is the head of a female. Her body is shaking in fear, and her eyes are open so wide that the brown could eclipse the moon. Even in this state, her radiance illuminates throughout the bus, casting a ray of light over everything that is dark.
Sensing her presence, Antispawn turns around and casts his eyes on her. The emotions of this man could best be described as agitated atoms in a molecule, racing around oblivious to whatever the hell is going on outside. Trying to speak, words fail him, and he slowly walks towards her. She stands her ground, but the look of fear doesn't vanish.
Coming to a stop, Anti breaths out heavily and runs his fingers through his hair. She can't help but crack a smile at his blatant display of awkwardness. Finally opening his mouth, the words find their way out.
Anti: I...I thought you were gone. You had a chance to leave...but still you're here. It all started out as just a game. I thought I understood everything...but the pain is still here....
He looks desparately into her eyes for a response, but there is none to be found. She slowly walks towards him...a man at the end of his rope...a man so empty...the man cries out into the night, emptying his soul. Resting a hand on his head, she runs her fingers through his blonde hair.
Be quiet now. This will all be over soon.
Antispawn vs. Barbarian