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Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of to help his maths!

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.  Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said:

"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Zachary looked at her and said,

"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

NEW ENGLISH
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as EuroEnglish.

In the first year, s will replace the soft c. Sertainly this will make the sivil servise jump with joy. The hard c will be dropped in favour of the k. This should klear up the konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be repaced with the f. Words like fotograf will be 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e is disgraseful, and they should go.

By the fourth year peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th with z and w with v. During the fifz year, ze unesesary o can be dropd from vords kontaining ou and similar changes vud of kors be aplied to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve wil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer wil be no mor trubls or dificultis and evrivum wil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

SE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU.