Getting A Pay Rise     Home     Humour

UPDATED  EMPLOYEE  HANDBOOK  -  Effective Immediately

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not
need a raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy
nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.   If you dress
in-between, you are right where you
need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are
able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should
not consider removing  anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows:
 Dec. 25 & 26,  Jan. 1

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad
 to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided your share of
the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to
 train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.  In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order.   For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to
8:20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so
on.
If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to
wait until the next day when your turn
comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with
a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in
writing.   In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in
the
stalls.  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, the stall door
 will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.
 Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
 Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast
and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input  should be directed
elsewhere.


Have a nice week.    Management