A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, and pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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You are now a Catholic...
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighbourhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbours were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighbourhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism, so they went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbours and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighbourhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes.
The neighbourhood men could not believe their noses!
WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
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The Three Bears ! The mystery of the three bears solved ! Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating m porridge?", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?," he roars. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For heavens sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry selves downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was
ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started
it!" Adam said "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on
yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a
piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

Father Heffernan
Father Heffernan rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his parish in Douro, Ireland. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the Animal Control in Lakefield for assistance. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Animal Control, Fred Flood speaking. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father Heffernan at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Fred, an orangeman, considered himself to be quite a wit and couldn't resist the temptation to reply with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father Heffernan then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, Fred but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."