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USEFUL TIPS AND OBSERVATIONS:
1. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it wa s a valuable plant.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
3. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
4. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
5. There are two kinds of pedestrians-the quick and the dead.
7. Life is sexually transmitted.
8. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
9. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
10. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull terrier.
11. Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
12. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
13. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
14. Mental floss prevents moral decay.!
15. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
16. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
17. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
18. Budget: A method for going broke methodically
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WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's
office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with
horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure
he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare
an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably
had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only
make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10
months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health
completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied. –
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1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good, either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be ppromoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
22. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
25. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
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1.If you love something,
set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back,
it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you
had set it free .... you either married it or gave birth to it.
2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class
pulls a hamstring.
3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "body, how'd you
like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as
a bell my body said, "Listen fatty .. do it and die."
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're
doing, someone else always does.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Amazing!!! You hand something in your wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two
sizes!
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too
much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a
perfect day.
Q: How many women going
through menopause does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know
WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for
THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the
chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID
LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A
WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT
WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!
I'm
sorry.... What did you ask me?